


Chasing Sunrise

by didyousaygay



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:40:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26056606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/didyousaygay/pseuds/didyousaygay
Summary: Paulo and Vester's relationship reached its fateful end three years ago. Will they rekindle lost love when reality forces them to work together or will this reunion serve as a way for them to finally accept the separation and move on?
Relationships: Stellvester "Stell" Ajero/John Paulo Nase | Sejun
Comments: 26
Kudos: 74





	1. Loose Ends

"Sir.. We are about to land, window shades up please.."

The soothing voice sounds distant but pleasant, the type that could calm your nerves on anxiety ridden days and lull you to sleep with a serenade. He would've appreciated the timbre in the extra polite attendant's voice if not for the headache that he's been nursing for the last few hours of the flight.

He opens one eye, expecting to see the flirtatious smile that has been openly directed at him since he settled on his seat. It's not something new to him, women always found ways of projecting their desires to gain his attention and he has learned how to play the game to work in his favor. He turns to her with a crooked smile and as expected, the attendant blushes and was taken aback for a moment until she remembered the reason for her being there. She leans closer to him and he wonders why women think all men will fall victim to cleavage and sweet perfume. Maybe because men are inherently idiots.

He keeps the fake smile plastered on his face, hiding the fact that he's not jumping with joy for the attention and he's ready to throw himself off the plane if that means he can get rid of his persistent headache. He mentally laughs at the grimness of his thoughts, you can blame it on the lack of sleep.

"Sir, window shades up, we are about to land." She doesn't have to say it again with a sultry voice but you have to give her credit for the effort.

"Too bad. I was enjoying your company." He replies with smugness and presses the button to lift the shades as the plane slowly descents. He knows that she is saying something overly provocative but the moment he sees the outline of the city below, unwanted memories start to flood in and now he wishes he's back in New York because he has learned how to live there with the stressful life that their family business demands but facing his past which is a few nautical miles away is a different story. There's nothing to learn about the past, he needs to accept and acceptance is not part of his agenda yet.

"..hope you enjoyed the flight with us Sir Paulo." The voice slowly resurfaces from his consciousness, together with the debilitating migraine that has been his constant but unwanted friend.

"Oh, I surely did, thank you very much, Kath." He replies with mock enthusiasm because he still needs to keep his game face on. He doesn't look at her anymore as he busies himself with the seat belt, ignoring the tremors in his fingers. He fumbles a few times but after a few curses and profanities, he hears the clicking sound at last. He settles back and closes his eyes. 

It's not about the turbulence or the rough landing. It's not about frantic passengers or chaotic airport queues. The sleepless nights and torturous headache sounds ludicrous to what awaits him. You can call him a dramatic pompous prick but his erratic heart beats cannot deny the fact that no matter how much he dreads this day, he's here and there is no turning back.

The pilot's calm voice echoes through the speakers. He's supposed to feel relief that the flight went well without a hitch but the next few words spoken was a painful reminder that no matter how much he tries to change himself for the better, he will always have bleeding wounds from the past that time wasn't able to heal.

_"Welcome to Manila, to all returning residents, welcome home."_

***

"Sir Paulo, you have a meeting with your father at 6 pm, do you have plans before that? Or you want to go home and rest first?"

He checks his wrist watch and even with that simple task, his head feels like it's splitting in two. If not for it, he can manage on his own. He swallows the bitter pill and asks his father's trusted secretary for assistance and he already hates himself for it. "Actually, what time is it Miss Rona? I forgot to book ahead for my hotel, if you don't mind, can you help me with it?" He looks out of the car's tinted window and the buzzing view of the metropolis worsens the pounding in his head and he almost wants to throw up.

"Sir, it's 11 am, I don't want to overstep my boundaries but--"

"You saw me grow up from a crybaby to an insufferable ass, you are not overstepping on anything but I'm not ready to see anyone yet." 

"Your mother is.."

"I'll talk to her, don't worry about it."

Call it mother's instinct, not that he will ever know but when his phone rings and the flashing screen with 'Ma' appears, he knew that he has a few seconds to come up with an irrefutable excuse on why he refuses to go home. Last time he saw her was two months ago when she visited him in his almost empty studio apartment in Queens and the barrage of nagging sure followed. He loves his mother, adores her so much but she needs to accept that he's an adult now. He can handle things on his own, thank you very much.

"Just help me with the hotel Miss Ro, I'll deal with my mother." He gives her a dismissive tone to prove his point but he gets a questionable look in return. Great, a few minutes in Manila and everyone is back to treating him like an irresponsible high school student. So much for votes of confidence. 

"Hi Ma, what's up?"

"What's up? Seriously Paulo, what's up?!"

"Ma, I missed you too. Why are you so grumpy?"

"You arrived an hour ago, Rona texted me and I know you're scheming something John Paulo. You better go straight home and don't make things difficult for them."

"I'm not scheming, okay. I'll meet you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow but I promise, I'm going home. I love you, bye!" He hangs up before his mother can protest. Yes, he's a lousy son. Come at him.

Rona shakes her head with disbelief and sighs. "What's your plan now Sir Paulo? You know that she will ask me where you're checked in and you know that I will tell her even if you say no."

"I know. But we can always keep things interesting." He replies with confidence. At least he has friends he can rely on when in dire luck. He can already imagine the pissed off look on one of them as he sends his devious plan. And yes, he's also a lousy friend, so what?

***

The moment he sees Ken walking towards him with a passive stare, he knows he called the right person for the job. He greets him with a lopsided grin and Ken responds with an eye roll. He looks unimpressed and confronts him. "So much for being a good friend, Paulo. I haven't seen you for two years and the first thing you make me do is become an accessory to the crime." He shakes his head in frustration. "I hate you but I missed you." Ken hugs him and somehow, he's happy to be back because he really missed his friends. 

"I missed you too. How's Justin? Did you tell him you're meeting me?"

"Do you honestly think he'll keep quiet if he knows you're here?! That's why you owe me big time. You should pay for our whole wedding for this favor alone, you jerk."

"I will pay you with my lifetime friendship and gratitude. Maybe dinner."

"You know for a rich guy, you're really damn stingy."

"My parents are rich. Not me."

"Spoken like a true rich brat."

"And this brat needs food and shelter for the next few days, now where's your car?"

***

  
Ken's apartment is conveniently located in the heart of the business district. He's happy to stay in any hotel as long as his mother doesn't know about it but when Ken offered his place, telling him that he can stay since he hardly goes home anyway, he was a bit apprehensive. Ken scoffs at him and explains "It's safer for you to be here and I already live in Justin's apartment. Most of my stuff is there, I don't even know why I keep this place. After the wedding--"

He's really happy for his friends and he can't help but tear up and smile. Ken and Justin's relationship happened as normal and natural as breathing. They met in the college steps during their freshman orientation and as cliche as it sounds, the rest is fluff history. It's a steady partnership that stayed throughout the years and he'd give anything to have the kind of gentle love that they have.

"Paulo, are you okay?" 

His sadness must have crept out from its well guarded hiding place, gaining a worried look from Ken and he curses his sudden lapse. Not everyone can have that kind of love, so he just needs to suck it up. "Of course I am. I just really missed you, Justin, Josh, everyone. It's good to be back."

"Yeah, everyone. Does.. he know? That.. you're.. back?"

There was uneasiness in Ken's demeanor when he asked because he knows he is stepping closely into a land mine. But he firmly believes that he is not the impulsive person that he was three years ago. He can deal with a simple question like that. "No, there's no reason for him to know." Even the placidity in his own voice came as a surprise. 

"How about as professional courtesy? Just a friendly reminder that you work in the same circle. Closely. He has a right to know."

"He lost that right the moment he made his choice." There was finality in his tone because he's not sure if he can continue talking about him without showing a hint of emotion. And he's too tired to deal with it right now. 

Ken considerately backs off from the topic. A land mine is still a land mine regardless of how long it's been underground and concealed from the surface. It will always have devastating results when triggered.

"Well in that case, you better fix that dejected face, you have a meeting at 6 right?"

Sometimes, he wishes that heart aches are just like jet lags. With a jet lag, you feel miserable and out of place but once you sleep off your weariness, you wake up as a new person ready to face another day. How long does he need to sleep to rid himself of this heart ache?

Often times, fate can be downright cruel. 

***

  
He walks the familiar entryway leading to the reception, recalling the agonizing years of spartan training with his father. For others who consider him lucky, it was a privilege that he never asked for. But for him, it was a responsibility casted on his shoulders like shackles. Yes, he's probably an ungrateful bastard but all he wanted was a simple life. 

"Yes? Hi, can I help you?" The receptionist asks him with a pleasant smile. 

He abandons the sudden nostalgia and replies with a likewise cheerful attitude. "Yes, you can absolutely help me, Miss.." He swiftly checks the employee's name tag and looks back at her with a smile. "..Audrey. I have a meeting, 8th floor at 6, would you mind calling me in? My name is Paulo."

The receptionist blushes and nervously checks the computer for his name. "Sure! Paulo, your, your surname please.."

"I'm Paulo--"

"Paulo?"

Josh is already sprinting towards him. "What the hell Paulo?! I talked to you two days ago and you didn't even mention this?! What the actual f---"

"Relax Josh, I know getting promoted is stressful but I didn't expect you to be this ill-tempered. Do you scare all the employees with that face?!" He turns to the receptionist who is staring at them dumb founded. "Miss Audrey, does this guy scare you every morning? You should report him to HR."

The girl greets Josh with a flustered smile "Good afternoon Sir Josh." and turns to him still looking confused. "Actually Sir Josh is always calm.."

He glares at Josh comically. "Double standards, how dare you.."

"Good afternoon, Audrey." Josh turns to him with a scowl. "You have a lot of explaining to do. We can wait at the break room because Boss's meeting will take a while. Let's go." 

***

The elevator ride up to the 8th floor consists of Josh berating him for keeping his home coming a secret and no matter how many times he tries to apologize, Josh just screams at him to shut up. So shut up he did. He kept his head low trying to tune out the continuous tirade of insults on how shitty he is as a friend. It's like listening to his mother scolding him. That is why when the elevator door finally opens, he animatedly jumps out to escape only to crash into someone, their bodies slamming into each other with an aggressive thud. He loses his balance but steady arms grabs him by the waist, breaking his fall. 

"I'm really sorr--" The moment he looks up and sees the person who is still holding him like he's something fragile, everything around him stops. He's staring back at those deep dark eyes that never fails to keep him entranced, making him believe that he can drown in them forever and nothing else matters. 

It's been three long difficult years and yet, he's standing in front of him as if he's 12 years old again without a care in the world but at the same time, every ounce of pain feels like it all just happened yesterday. This is not the kind of first meeting that he expected and he hates it. He hates himself, he hates this person in front of him with all of his heart but this person also took that heart and never returned it. And he's left longing, spiteful and angry.

He gathers the wits to free himself and the person willingly lets him go. He laughs at the scornful irony of it. 

The human equivalent of his lost love, didn't change that much. They're still within the same height and he still has the same haircut from years ago although it's now a bit longer. He still does that tight lipped smile when he's nervous but he will always have that piercing stare as if he's seeing right through all the bullshit that he's fronting. He's wearing a very sinful tie that is loosened haphazardly and you know he's had a rough day. 

And all at once, it hits him really hard.

He will always love Vester Ajero with his entire being. He's eternally cursed.

Vester tilts his head with a smirk. "Are you done with the inventory Mr. Nase?"

"Yeah." He replies shamelessly because there's nothing for him to lose. He already lost it that fateful night.

"Are you satisfied?" 

There was no hint of arrogance in Vester's words, it was all playfulness but it still makes him furious.

"No, nothing I've never seen before." He replies with a disinterested tone. 

If there was a shadow of sadness that crossed Vester's eyes, he'd rather not dwell on it. He trapped himself in the past for too long, look at where that got him. He starts to walk away without looking back.

"It was nice seeing you again Paulo." 

"See you around Vester."

_This is where it all ended. And this is where I will begin. I'm home._


	2. Vivid Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suffering is unseen from the surface.

The usual one hour drive that it takes for him to reach home turned to two ruthless hours stuck in traffic. Talk about bad luck, the rain decided that it's a perfect time for a heavy down pour. An ominous sign that he should stop hating the rain so much, the feeling is starting to be mutual.

He blankly stares at the flowing raindrops against his windshield, stubbornly believing that the moisture in his eyes are caused by the opposing humidity and the air conditioning unit that he set on full blast, not for any other reason. He's numb from everything, there's no reason for him to cry.

The rain continues its wrath outside and if he wants to reach home unscathed, he needs to pull over. And maybe answer Josh who has been calling him for the last hour or so to check if he's still alive or passed out drunk in a ditch somewhere.

"Hello." He wipes off the wet trails on his cheeks and wonders why he needed to do that, Josh can't see him. Or maybe for his own sense of pride.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Where are you?"

"I pulled over. Heavy rains." 

"Vester, are you really okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You tell me."

"He's still a whirlwind, isn't he Josh?"

"Paulo will always be Paulo."

He laughs bitterly. "He looks.. content.. maybe he found happiness in New York.."

"Vester.."

Josh stayed on the line, listening to his pitiful sobs patiently. "You two are idiots, do you know that?"

"Yes, you mentioned. More than I can care to count."

"Good. Because you two owe me and I'm not the forgetful type."

"How about I treat you for dinner?"

"You can buy me two restaurants if you want to and no, I don't have time for dinner, I still have to deal with your whirlwind here in case you're forgetting."

"He looks so good Josh.."

"Not listening to you pine over him like a total idiot. Take care in driving. Bye." 

  
There's nothing left for him to do but move forward, he brings the engine back to life, praying to whoever's listening up there to make his hands and knees stop shaking. His knuckles turning white as he grips the steering wheel with desperation.

***

When he safely reached the cornerstone, the security posted outside gives him an acknowledging nod as he drives towards the automated gates of their house. The drive way is clear, meaning his mother is not home yet. His father, as always, is still at work and the intimidating silence of their house reflects everything in his life for the past three years. Empty.

  
"Sir, welcome back."

Their trustworthy housekeeper greets him with a warm smile. 

"Evening, Nora."

"Are you hungry? I'll prepare dinner."

"No need. Thank you, go and rest. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Sir."

  
He just wants to go straight to his room and sleep off the events that happened today but he remembered that he needs to thank Ken for the message that he sent earlier. It was a straightforward text in all caps, the animosity visible in those few words saying 'HE'S BACK.' was enough to turn his world upside down. It didn't help that he read it in the middle of a board meeting and he was called out a couple of times for being inattentive, earning him a disappointed look from his father. 

Ken picks up after a few rings.

"Why?"

"I just want to thank you."

"How did it go?"

"Why do you want to know? Thought you hated me."

"I just want to know how it went so I know what kind of Paulo I'm dealing with later."

"Thanks for the heads up, it didn't turn into bloodshed."

"Good."

"You sound just like Josh."

"That's what happens in a divorce, each gets an annoying son."

"How many times do I have to tell you, we were never married."

"Tell that to yourself. Oh, he's here! Bye Vester."

  
And he's back to the overwhelming quietness. Instead of retreating to his own room, his feet lead him to the end of the hallway. The very last place in their house where he wants to be but some unknown force pulls him to the room that he has tried to forget for the last few years.

It was left exactly how it was. The helpers clear it from dust and change the sheets every week but everything else is still the same. Even the bottle of perfume that is halfway used is still on top of the dresser as if the owner is expected to come back any time soon.

The framed pictures on the wall grabs his attention.

A professional photo of his parents when they got married.

An oil painting of their first house outside the city.

A picture of him grinning while holding their two month old Siberian Husky, Shadow. He was 9 years old and he still remembers how much he cried when they had to put him down when he suffered from cancer.

Photo collage from birthday parties, wedding anniversaries, family reunion.

It's like a time capsule of days long gone.

The next shot was from high school, Paulo who was 13 years old with his braces, frowning because he has a severe case of tooth ache. He's standing beside him, a cone of vanilla ice cream in hand, taunting his friend with a big annoying smile. It was a Polaroid taken by someone who was laughing so hard, it was out of focus.

They have photos all the way until graduation and it just painfully shows how much of his life involved Paulo.

Days long gone indeed.

A cheerful girl, two years younger than them always follows with a gummy smile. The curly locks of hair making her look almost angelic against the sun. She was always there, following them like the persistent moon. Bright, full of dreams and very much alive.

He reached the last frame, tears flowing in his eyes as he traces the smiles captured in what turned out to be their last moments together. Paulo and him holding their university diploma and the beautiful young lady standing between them with the most precious smile on her face as she holds them both in her arms.

And he has a lot of things to tell her such as sorry and I miss you but after years of avoiding her like a haunting nightmare, all he managed to say was

"He's back Vicky. I don't know what to do.."


	3. Fragments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The toughest enemy one can face is their own demons.

  
_"Paulo, my Dad said I'm gonna marry you."_

_"Victoria, no one gets married at 14."_

_"Very funny. In the future, obviously."_

_"When that time comes, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to marry me."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because I have other plans for my future."_

_"What if I let you play that guitar forever? Will you consider marrying me?"_

_"No one lives forever, Vicky. So I can't."_

_"So you don't want to marry me even if I'm extra nice to you because you have plans, like what?"_

_"Like maybe I want to marry someone else?"_

_"Paulo, you can't marry your best friend."_

Paulo wakes up in cold sweat, breaking free from the vivid images of the past. While he slowly sits up to shake the remnants of fatigue from his system, the onslaught of a massive headache follows and the clothes that he's been wearing since yesterday uncomfortably clings to his skin. There's no other way to start his day but to feel like a disgusting piece of filth and it's absolutely perfect.

"So you're finally awake." Ken sits on the opposite couch, not bothering to hide the cynicism in his smile. "How's that hang over treating you huh?!"

"Nice and peachy, wouldn't want it any other way." The aroma of freshly brewed coffee caused his stomach to make an unappealing sound, the smell of caffeine wakes up his senses and coincidentally, his sore back muscles curses him for crashing on the couch last night like a hopeless vagrant. 

Ken extends his hand, still with that pestilent grin and offers a cup of coffee but the moment his almost sober friend tries to take it, Ken withdraws and drinks it for himself with a satisfied smirk. "Good to hear that. So happy for you." 

Paulo ignores the blatant teasing because it's too damn early in the morning to be a grudgeful human being. The room feels like its spinning violently, he closes his eyes, praying that he doesn't throw up and replies nonchalantly. "Yeah, maybe I should do it again tonight." 

"Paulo, you know that I'm always here for you.." Ken pauses, setting his mug down on the oriental table in front.

Everything now feels like a drugged up version of a carousel and to be honest, he'd prefer to be kicked out homeless instead of discussing his emotional baggage with a vengeful hangover because he can see it coming any minute now. "Are you kicking me out? I overstayed my welcome, I know. Sorry. And sorry if I took the Macallan without your permission." 

"It's been five days man, what are you avoiding? Of course you're welcome to stay as long as you want but you know that staying here won't solve whatever that is you're running away from."

Yeah, it took less than a minute. 

Ken continues when he doesn't reply. "Spend time with your parents and besides, you know what day it is tomorrow, right?

"I don't even know what year it is."

Ken sends a cushion pillow flying and it hits Paulo in the cheek with a gentle thump. "How about now? If you miss out Justin's birthday tomorrow, I am not kidding, I will literally end you."

It's now Paulo's turn to return the cynical grin. "Ah, so all along, you allowed me to stay, not because you care about my well being but because you just want to surprise your fiancé." He adds a sarcastic flare on the word fiancé because he's a petty drunk. "That's why you can't trust guys with pretty faces. Fiends."

"Are you done being dramatic?!" Ken stands up to clear his mug, picking up his car keys on top of the fridge. "I'll drive you home, get your ass ready in fifteen." He knows Paulo will use the distract tactic on him and he's not getting away with it. 

"I have a calamity 8 hang over here, can I stay until I feel better?"

"You deserve that for hogging all the whiskey, suffer in silence."

***

A brisk shower and two tablets of Aspirin later, they drive away from the business hub with Paulo distracting himself by looking out the window as the view gradually changes from high rise buildings to commercial districts and he thanks the pain killers that Ken forcefully chugged down his throat, he's feeling less like trash now. There are no signs of traffic, much to his dismay and the moment they finally hit the winding road leading to their destination, the uninvited memories start intruding his thoughts. 

It was similar to a violent tug of war inside his head that he didn't even notice they already made the cornerstone turn and within a few minutes, Ken halts the car in front of their main gate. Paulo has never felt intimidated by an inanimate object before but here he is, looking over the passenger seat with the towering contraption ridiculing his choices in life. You can tell it was recently repainted but the original shade of varnished wood and black glossy steel was maintained. When he was younger, those gates signify his freedom and he can't help but feel the sudden melancholy.

_"You're grounded for a week right? What are you doing here?!" Paulo rushed towards Vester with an umbrella as the needle like droplets of rain start to hit the ground. "Do you want to fall sick?!"_

_Vester smiles broadly, completely ignoring the unfriendly weather that is slowly drenching his shirt. "Saw the rain and I thought of you, so I sneaked out."_

_"You kind of missed the part where you are grounded?! If you wanted me to come over, I could have sneaked in your room, instead of you rushing out here like an idiot."_

_"It's just two blocks away." He replies with a pout. "Maybe because you like the rain so much and maybe because I want to walk under the rain with you and maybe that's why I rushed here like an idiot." Vester reaches out to hold Paulo's hand with a playful grin. "Not even happy to see me?!"_

_"Did you hit your head when you escaped? I think you're confused, there's a huge difference between rain and a typhoon!!" Paulo replies with fake sarcasm, biting his lower lip to suppress a smile, allowing Vester to hold his hand because it's pleasantly warm and Vester's smile alone calms his restless heart._

_"Paulo, you can just tell me you missed me because I sure did. I haven't seen you for days!"_

_"I missed you, okay? But you're still an idiot because a freaking storm is coming!"_

_"Well, it's a good thing you brought an umbrella."_

The strong winds and feral downpour was trivial because the only thing that mattered was their sturdy umbrella and the relationship that they thought would stand the merciless test of time.

"Paulo!" Ken worriedly shakes him out of his trance. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." When will he ever stop making the people in his life worry about him? At certain times, he proudly believes that he was able to achieve something through perseverance but at certain lows, he just feels helpless. "I just remembered something.. unimportant.." 

"Unimportant things don't make you cry." Ken cuts off the thrumming engine. "Face the things that hurt Paulo, that's how it becomes less painful."

"Yes, Dad."

"Smart ass."

***

  
Weekend is family day and Paulo already knows where his parents are. He gives a curt nod to the security who opened the gates for him and he trudges his way through the foyer. Out where it's bright and sunny, the rays of the morning sun shining through the serene garden with his parents having breakfast at the outdoor dining in the middle of the courtyard. His mother is reading a book while his father reads the news. They share each other's company in comfortable silence. It's almost like a picturesque movie but instead, it is reality evoking that he will always be surrounded by loving people in lasting relationships and until he finds his own way, he will always be that person appreciating happiness from far. 

He swiftly pulls a chair to sit beside his mother, kissing her cheek at the same time. "Morning, Beautiful."

An over elaborated snort was the response he got from his father, not even looking up from his newspaper with a humored grin. "You know what you did Paulo and you know she's good at giving the silent treatment."

His mother looks up and throws a threatening glare at her husband. "You didn't have to say that while laughing, Reuben! You saw this boy everyday at work while he purposely ignored me until he decided to come home after a week!"

"I work for him Ma, of course I'll report to him everyday."

"Of course, he'll report everything to you, old man!" She points an accusing finger "Why would he even bother with his own mother who missed him for the last two months." and turns her back away from the two exasperating men in her life with a sneer.

"Helen, why are you getting mad at me? I'm not the one who ignored all your calls." Reuben is obviously enjoying the moment and Paulo just wants to be invisible, the almost forgotten hang over is starting to join the family drama. 

Paulo stands up, kneeling in front of his mother with the best kicked puppy dog eyes that he can muster, holding her hand with gentle persuasion. "I'm sorry Ma, I love you and I'm home now."

His mother finally looks at him with displease but Paulo knows he's already forgiven. "Whose car was that? You didn't even invite your friend in. I didn't teach you to be ungrateful Paulo."

"That was Ken, he just dropped me off." He answers noncommittally, hoping that his mother will stray off from the topic that he is not willing to discuss with them anytime soon. If Paulo has a list of ticking time bombs in his life, first on the list is without a doubt Vester, next is his parents' opinion about his friends. He loves his mother and father, with deep respect but they have conflicting views that defines the choices that Paulo made and the well meaning future that they have for him. He's a son but he's also an individual who has a right to choose his own path. It's an enduring saga of principles and parental love that found its way in their home like a resilient parasite.

And because Helen has clear intentions that are opposite from what her son wants, she prods further but with caution and Paulo waits for the question with bated breath and a screaming migraine. "Oh, Ken, how is he? I heard that he's getting married.. to.." She subtly glances at her husband and Paulo knows they're having an internal conversation before she continues. "..that sweet boy from your junior college.. is that true?"

Paulo sits back on the chair, trying needlessly to divert his justified annoyance by plucking the petals from the fresh white asters adorning the table. "Ma, they are just like any other couple. Actually, their relationship is much more admirable than other normal straight couples that you see in this neighborhood." He didn't plan to go in an all out defensive mode but there are a few things in this world that he considers precious. Ken and Justin's relationship for one and he will protect those two with his life.

Reuben finally sets his paper down and calmly speaks. "Son, you know your mother only means well."

Paulo successfully murdered five defenseless asters, trying to control his short fused temper and he's not proud of it. "I'm sorry."

"Paulo, we love you and we want to understand you, we really do. That is why I'm trying to know more about your friends who.. are.." Helen looks at her husband again with uncertainty.

"Are what? Gay like me? This is the reason why when you tell me that you accept me for who I am, I can't help but doubt it." An important person once destroyed everything that he held dearly about selflessness and transcending boundaries, he doesn't know how to believe that he's still capable of finding the kind of love that doesn't cause him irreversible pain. He wretchedly searched for the acceptance that he needed, found it from unexpected people but what devastates him is that the ones he love the most cannot accept him completely. 

"Paulo, you're my only son, please try to understand that--"

Paulo intervenes. Call it disrespectful but he already knows that the next words despite its sincerity, will destroy his carefully re-built self esteem and he'd rather not hear it. "I'm really sorry if I did not turn out to be the son that you deserve Pa, but I'll work hard." The tears are threatening to come out and his parents need not to see his pitiful state. He's tired of apologizing, he doesn't have to seek forgiveness for who he is but their disappointment wounds him perpetually. "I'll be in my room if you need me. Excuse me."

  
The double wooden door that used to feel so heavy, now smoothly opens to his room that remains unchanged after all these years. A miserable paradox that he's claiming to be a better version of himself but in reality, he's still the same. 

Paulo managed to reign in the traitorous tears and he walks into his room like he's slowly stepping back in time. His hand grazes through the mahogany study table on which he spent hours of sweat and tears from home works, tutoring and school days that opened his eyes to how real and unforgiving society can be. Having a successful business magnate as a father came with premeditated stereotypes and he was easily judged by his classmates according to only two categories, either he is the over achiever or the stuck up idiot. It just came naturally to him that defying the norms is the reason for his existence and he valued that resolve by heart. 

The small framed photo in the corner of his bedside table is a picture of him and Vester in Tokyo Disneyland when they were 13. The very first overseas trip that they had together with Vester's parents. They were smiling from ear to ear, the iconic castle looming in the background and he wants to reprimand himself from feeling nostalgic but he can still clearly remember how Vester tirelessly visited his house everyday for three months, humbly begging his parents' permission to let him travel and that was the first time he saw how much of an earnest and dedicated person Vester was. At a young age, he was impressed with someone who is not his father and who is the same age as him. From then on, he valued him over everyone else. Respected him as an equal. Or he was just overly biased because he was smitten the first time he saw him. 

_"I'm not eating that Paulo. It doesn't even look edible. Why would you paint a Storm Trooper on top of a dessert?" Vester stares at Paulo with pure judgement when he returned with a questionable take out from the pastry shop._

_"Welcome to Japan, Vester." He returns the stare with likewise judgement because Vester is too young to act like a tired employee. "Just shut up and try, consider it an adventure."_

_"Just because you're my best friend, it doesn't mean I'll do every stupid thing that you say."_

_"I'm just asking you to try a different food, not to jump off from Tokyo Tower without a parachute." Paulo waves the box in front of Vester's disgruntled face. "Come on, it's just sticky rice with sugar and caramel."_

_Vester concedes but he's still not satisfied with the explanation. "If I end up with a tummy ache, you're taking care of me until I get better."_

_"Guess what, I actually thought of you when I bought this because you're clingy like this sticky rice but at least you're adorable."_

_"You're clingy just like me, so maybe I should start calling you sticky rice?"_

_"Vester, this sticky rice has a proper name.."_

  
Paulo turns the frame over because he doesn't like where his train of thoughts are leading to. It's infuriating that no matter how much he hates Vester, the years of growing up with him was one of the happiest and he wouldn't trade it for anything. He lies down on the bed, feeling sleepy but restless because he's still adjusting from the flipped over time difference even after five days. He gets up again, swinging his leg on the opposite side of the bed until his toe clumsily hits something at the corner and he doesn't have to look to know what it is. 

If material things can be considered sacred, what he has is the epitome of sacredness. He cradles the Gibson Hummingbird in his arm, the guitar's familiar wood finish and fluid strings always made him feel like he can dream again and anything is possible.

_"You think I can pull this off?" The self doubt is starting to consume his courage and he would have retreated like an outright loser if not for Vester, skipping his important class just to support his musical whims._

_Vester cups Paulo's face, kissing his forehead with extreme gentleness like he's glass that is about to break and he calms down in his touch. "Of course you can and it's okay to feel nervous. I'm here for you and you always make me proud. Always. Now go and impress them."_

_"Vester, please tell me that I can do this."_

_"Paulo, you're wonderful and I love you and I honestly believe that you can do anything. That's how much faith I have in you."_

  
Paulo releases the guitar as if it burned him. It's funny how words can hold such deep meaning at one point, turn to absolute lies in a fleeting moment and scar you for eternity. The comforting walls suddenly feels like it's suffocating him and he can't stay any longer if he wants to keep his sanity intact. He's definitely sleeping in the guest room for the time being.

***

  
The cab driver drops Paulo in front of the address he provided and sees that Justin's unit is a mere two blocks away from Ken's place. He mentally laughs at the couple's absurd set up, realizing that Ken managed to sneak in and out to check on him because he lives that close. The security politely asks him for the unit number and allows him to go up after verifying with the owner.

He anxiously presses the bell and Ken immediately opens the door with a smile. "What took you so long?! I was already planning on how to obliterate you in case you don't turn up."

"I will deliberately miss your birthday but not Justin's, can you feel the burning loyalty?"

Ken smirks. "Well of course, my Baby just brings out the pureness in people. Even from you. Wait.." He quickly pushes Paulo out of the hallway and whispers. "..he doesn't know you're here yet. Just wait here and I'll bring him out for the surprise."

"Well, now look at you getting all soft and cuddly. I think I'll enjoy this night far better than I expected."

"Oh you bet, you will." Ken is about to go back inside but Paulo pulls him back.

"Wait.. is he.. uhh.. did Justin invite.."

"Well, now look at you getting all nervous and tongue tied. I think I'll enjoy this night far better than I expected." Ken parrots with ten folds insult and Paulo silently gives him the middle finger.

"Babe, are you talking to someone?"

Justin peeks from behind and the two of them overtly trying to one up each other didn't notice the younger man walk towards them. So much for surprises. Justin's expression instantly changes from shock to a wide-eyed bright smile.

"Paulo! Oh my God! Paulo! When did you..?" Justin confronts Ken with furrowed brows, hitting him softly in the chest. "Babe, is that why you've been extra jumpy lately? No wonder I keep losing eggs and beer from the fridge!"

Ken affectionately pulls Justin in the waist. "Sorry for keeping a secret Babe, it was so hard to keep things from you but it was his idea, I swear!"

"I believe you Babe. Paulo can come up with something like that and I'm not surprised."

"Are we done with the PDA? I'm seriously crying for joy in here." Paulo tries to maintain a poker face because as cheesy as they are, he always finds them cute and it annoys him to an extent. They will eventually turn old and gray but he will still find their relationship admirable no matter what and now, he seriously wants to cry for different reasons.

Justin locks him in a smothering hug. "Paulo, I missed you so much!! Are you back here for good?!"

"Maybe. Happy Birthday."

"Vester's here, hope you don't mind."

The duality in Justin will never fail to impress Paulo. He can be childish one second, next thing you know, he's observing you with hawk like, calculative eyes. "It's your birthday Justin, you can invite whoever you want." 

"Are you gonna be okay?"

"Of course, the question is, will he be okay with it?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Vester walks to them with distinct strides, his face not giving off any kind of emotion and the considerably ample hallway looks suddenly narrow and stifling. This is the cold and distant Vester, the man that Paulo swore to hate for the rest of his life and its easier to deal with him like this when he's well guarded. 

Paulo returns with an evenly icy stare. "Good to hear that. It would be hard to work with you if you're still holding on to some kind of age old resentment."

"Paulo, you still sound like the same angsty teenager from years ago."

"And you're still an over bearing egoist."

"You two!" Josh traps them both in each arm with a headlock. "If I hear another snarky remark, I swear, I will lock you both in the storage room until you talk like decent adults."

"Vester will have a panic attack, please don't do that, I'll behave Josh. I promise." Paulo fervently swears because the lucid image of a 15 year old Vester suffering from sudden claustrophobia when they were accidentally locked in a container van will forever be etched in his memory and he swore that day that he will not let him suffer like that ever again. 

Paulo bites his inner cheek when the words that he said finally registers in his anger muddled brain. They are still restrained but from his peripheral vision, he can see that Vester glanced at him but Paulo's too proud and afraid if he finds out that he is looking at him with sympathy. That is the last thing he needs, to be dealt by Vester with pity and that is the lowest point he can ever go.

"Paulo.." The aloofness in Vester is completely gone and Paulo is much more afraid than he's ever been because he is not prepared to fall helplessly for him again. Vester calling his name with honey like voice is a straight gut punch to his already wavering anger.

"Don't talk to me Vester. Josh, I promise, no more snide comments, please let me go."

Vester reaches out and Paulo can't run away because Josh is damn stronger than he looks. He tries to squirm but Vester's pleasantly warm hand touches his cheek with a gentle pinch. He speaks softly and Paulo knows he's inevitably falling again.

"Don't be mad, I'm sorry Mochi.."


	4. Broken Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunions are catalysts to unwanted break downs.

  
"Don't touch me Vester."

Vester is completely aware that he is a selfish person. The egocentricity was the result of being born and raised in a cut throat world that doesn't allow mediocrity because he has a family name to live up to. He embraced his life with diligence and to be honest, who wouldn't want to be the best in everything? He was competitive because he has the intellect to back it up. A gift and a curse that made him extremely objective but less empathic.

That is why when a lanky boy his same age who lives a few blocks away challenged his utilitarian beliefs, he started to look at his eccentric neighbor with heightened curiosity. From a simple acquaintance, to a worthy rival, Paulo turned into someone essential to Vester's existence. 

Paulo showed him a different kind of purpose and he never knew that happiness can revolve around a single person. For the very first time in his life, he hated to be selfish because he finally wanted to share something with someone.

Vester would have turned into someone unlovable if he never met Paulo and for that, he wants to give him the world because Paulo was Vester's very own adventure, his catharsis and his fated half.

But things turned for the worse and now, Paulo hates him and all that's left is his lonesome selfishness. His selfishness had hurt Paulo and continues to hurt him and it's all his fault. He knows he deserves all the hate. 

The only consolation is that as long as Paulo hates him, a part of Vester lives in him because of that hatred. Vester can hold on to a piece of Paulo, even if it's just hate. If he can't have his love anymore then he will embrace all the hatred that he can take. That's how utterly selfish he can be.

"Vester, I said let go!!"

Vester can hear the rising voice but the indulgent part of him refuses to let Paulo go. How many times in his life does he need to do that? From a soft pinch in the cheek, his hand moved in its own accord on Paulo's lips, his thumb gently tracing the soft plump skin that he used to kiss with hunger and greedy passion.

He should have seen it coming but Vester was too mesmerized to react when Paulo suddenly crouches, using his left hand to stabilize himself on the ground and efficiently does a Judo two-leg sweep on Josh. Vester can still feel the burning sensation of Paulo's lips on his fingertips and yes, he has already forgotten about Josh and the vice grip that he still has on both of them.

Josh was caught off guard, falling flat on his back, taking Vester down along with him. Paulo lithely escapes as he looks down at them with contempt and flushed cheeks.

Paulo glares at Vester for a split second before he apologizes. "Josh, are you okay bro? Need a hand?"

"What the hell Paulo!" Josh sits up rubbing the back of his head with a scowl. If not for the carpeted floor of Justin's apartment, their friend's birthday celebration would have turned into his very own funeral. That's sadly what happens if you stand between two idiots, you get caught in the crossfire and if he doesn't live long enough to see them reconcile, he will rise in his grave to haunt them forever. 

"It was reflex." Paulo minus clear signs of guilt leans over to offer Josh a hand.

Josh accepts the help with disdain. "I'm still waiting for the word."

"Sorry." Paulo sighs. "I'm sorry. I will not use martial arts on my friends ever again." Reciting robotically while looking straight into Josh's eyes. "But Josh, you were at the wrong place at the wrong time." 

"Make sure to include that on my epitaph." Josh remarks with sarcasm as Paulo pulls him back up to his feet. 

"Whatever you say, Boss." Paulo replies with a sly grin and guards himself with both arms when he sees Josh's attempt for revenge. "It was your friend's fault, okay. Stop blaming me!"

Ken walks to them to diffuse the situation by shoving an icepack to Josh and then drags Paulo to the kitchen before Josh can murder him, throwing a nod of sympathy and tossing another ice pack at Vester who is still on the floor sullenly lying on his back, absorbed in his own world and self deprecating thoughts. 

Josh talks to Vester hushed, making sure the others who are now in the kitchen won't hear them. "I always knew Paulo was bipolar.." Extending a hand to help Vester who is still staring dumbly into outer space. "..but I didn't expect you to act like some crazy creepy ex boyfriend. Look at you. What happened there?"

Vester stands up, face evident with disappointment. "I was prepared he'd punch me or something then he turned all cute and.." He sighs and straightens the imaginary crumple in his pants, recalling what he did. A part of him regrets it while the other part is rejoicing unapologetically. "..he still cares.. Josh. He still cares.."

"Of course he does. Because he's bipolar and he's also an idiot just like you. Tell me why am I even friends with you two?"

"..and he looks so hot with his new haircut."

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that because the way you can say dumb things with a straight face is just.. Just. No." Josh shakes his head with plain disgust because he doesn't need to hear that information.

"I don't know how to deal with him now, what do I do?"

"You were so smooth when you saw him last week! What happened to you? Forgot how to interact like a normal person? Oh no, wait, why am I even asking? It's because you're an idiot. Why do I even bother. For crying out loud, you even called him Mo--"

"Don't say it, I'm the only one who has the right to say it."

Josh continues, unimpressed. "..you're living on borrowed time sir. Good luck on surviving the night."

"I should have extended my stay in Taiwan. Shit, I'm screwed, how do I face him now Josh?!"

"You're hopeless." He leaves Vester alone to join the others and if he caught Paulo staring at Vester like he's about to cry, Josh will pretend he didn't notice because sometimes, people need to figure things out for themselves.

***

When Vester managed to collect himself from his momentary slip up, he also joins his friends who are happily chatting in the dining area. The six seater table is already set up with a variety of food from home made sushi to fettuccine. A vase of pink tulips which are Justin's favorite are displayed on the center and the warm yellow pendant lights gives off a homey feel in the generously spaced area. There are mason jars of half filled ingredients, a coffee maker in the corner with two identical cups beside it, printed photos on the fridge held by magnets and sticky notes for reminders. The place is neat and tidy but obviously well lived in. His unreasonable envy resurfaces again. If circumstances were kinder to him and Paulo, will they be able to create a home just like Ken and Justin? 

His eyes wander back to his friends and needless to say, his gaze fixes on Paulo. He has already secured his spot beside the birthday celebrant sitting on the head seat. Justin is excitedly talking about something and Paulo listens to him with a fond smile. He has no right wishing for Paulo to look at him the same way but the pang of jealousy still hits him like a massive wave. 

Vester focuses on the seating arrangement instead because he knows that irrational thoughts will just lead to self loathing. Ken and Josh are still preparing something in the kitchen sink, which leaves the seat beside and opposite Paulo empty. For everybody's peace of mind and especially his own, Vester decides to take the seat farthest from Paulo, he pulls the chair quietly hoping that the attention won't be directed at him.

But because they are Paulo and Vester's friends, as kind and as considerate as they are when the situation requires them to be, they will never miss an opportunity to make sure the temperamental ex couple's strained relationship would at least reach an impasse.

They cannot avoid each other forever. That is their reality considering their families are business partners. Growing up together on the same social circle deemed them to have the same friends and same colleagues. Paulo and Vester's worlds are intertwined whether they like it or not. 

That includes something as mundane as a dinner table seating arrangement. Vester wonders why everything needs to be so complex when it comes to him and Paulo. Or he's just overthinking too much?

"Sit over here, Vester." Ken speaks with a pursed smile, pointing the seat opposite Paulo. He's now beside Justin, refilling his wine glass, playing the responsible boyfriend and host and Vester throws him a questioning look with a raised eyebrow.

"That's your spot, I'm not sitting there." Vester replies with his straightforward business tone. He's not gonna sit in full view of Paulo because he doesn't trust himself enough to behave. One blunder is enough for the night.

Josh places the tray of sliced fruits on the far end of the table and sits beside Paulo with an unreadable face. It leaves the chair opposite Paulo empty and Vester is on the verge of strangling Josh and Ken. 

"You can sit here because it's weird for you to sit so far away." Ken insists and the conniving smile is starting to break out. Justin gently pinches his waist, also trying to hide a smile.

"No." Vester responds with finality. 

"He's not asking you to be friends with me Vester, he just asked you to sit in front, don't be so difficult." Paulo coldly addresses him while looking at his half filled wine glass. He turns to Ken with steel gaze. "And I know what you're doing. Stop it."

Justin turns to Ken unfazed and asks. "Babe, tell me. Are you plotting something?" 

"No, why would I do that?! Paulo has trust issues, just ignore him Babe." 

Vester sighs and did what he was told. He stands up and faces his demise, taking the seat opposite Paulo who is now all focused on swirling his wine glass with a frown. "There, happy now?" He asks cautiously because he knows Paulo is starting to get annoyed. He'll really kill Josh and Ken before this night ends.

Paulo doesn't look up, irately drilling imaginary holes through his wine glass, the frown was replaced by a pout and it takes all the will power in Vester not to jump and kiss him senseless in front of their friends. He knows Paulo is not doing it on purpose but maybe it's already Vester's fate to be a love struck idiot as long as Paulo is involved.

"Paulo, he's asking if you're happy now." Justin asks with amusement.

"Justin, just to be clear, your annoying boyfriend asked him to sit there, not me." Paulo replies flatly. 

"But he did it because you told him to." Justin states in a matter of fact tone.

Paulo sets his glass down in resignation and finally looks at Vester. Maybe it was a mistake on Paulo's part because the moment their eyes meet in a mutual gaze, they both know instantly that three years of separation was not enough to break the bond that they have. It terrifies him that they are still capable of understanding each other without words. And knowing is much more painful than being kept in the dark. Because Vester still looks at him the same way and Paulo regrets knowing. How can Vester look at him with such longing when he's the one who decided to end everything?

Vester has prided himself for staying strong despite his setbacks in life but for the very first time since they parted ways, Vester feels exposed. As if the years of trying to bury his feelings for the only man that he loved was in vain. And it kills him to see that Paulo is hurting. Nothing will surmount the pain in Paulo's eyes even if he tries to conceal it with anger and defiance.

Vester needs to summon a tremendous amount of self control because he still loves Paulo. So much. And if he wants to end this night without hurtful words and tears, he needs to keep his feelings locked away even from himself. He wants Paulo to be happy and Vester is not capable of giving him that happiness.

"Don't let the teasing get to you Paulo. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to." Vester wills himself to speak calmly despite the miserable desire to steal Paulo away from everyone else.

Paulo's expression softens, he's angry but in a way, thankful that Vester still knows how to calm him down when he's about to snap. He's overwhelmed from all the emotions since returning home and Vester's presence tonight is without a doubt the icing to his bitter cake. "You can sit there but don't stare because you know I hate it when people stare."

"Noted, Mr. Nase." Vester responds with a smirk because he knows he can't keep that promise even if his life depended on it.

"Are you done flirting?!" Josh calls them out with a grimace. "Since we already established that these two won't and can't kill each other if we leave them alone, can we eat now? I'm hungry."

***

As the night deepens and the bottles of wine turn to champagne then hard liquor, the tensed atmosphere dissipated and it was easy to reminisce the friendship that the five of them shared throughout the years.

They moved from the dining to the living room, Ken and Justin shares the love seat with tangled limbs and hands all over each other.

"You're much more disgusting when drunk. I hate you both." Paulo is sprawled on the floor facing the couple, leering at them with mild irritation. He's leaning against Josh's back because the room is not spinning violently yet but he needs something to hold on to in case he throws up. And Josh is his only candidate. Vester has been staring at him since they moved in the living room and he has ran out of places to sit because avoiding him is inevitable. Vester will stare at him regardless and Paulo is highly offended that he can't do anything about it. 

"My engagement ring tells you to get a love life." Ken retorts with a devious grin. 

"Tell your engagement ring to get a personality first." Paulo replies with a sneer. He leans all the way back, causing Josh to complain.

"Can you sit somewhere else Paulo?! Vester over there is dying to be your cushion. Get away from me!"

"Nope. I'm comfy here."

"Babe." Justin excitedly grabs Ken's face between his palms to call his attention. "Vester's face lit up when he heard Paulo doesn't have a love life."

"Babe, you saw an emotion on him, that alone is impressive. You should've been a psychiatrist instead of a pediatrician."

Vester is in the adjacent L shaped couch and he knows that Paulo is just a few heartbeats away from beating him up because he won't stop staring but he missed him so much. He can't look away even if he wanted to. Every cell in his body is just screaming to reach out and touch him and the alcohol is an evil conjunction to his highly strung self control. Josh always calls him stone faced but maybe Justin was right on his observation but he'd be caught dead admitting it.

Paulo throws a cushion pillow at Justin with a glare. "It's your birthday but it doesn't mean I'm not gonna murder you and Ken in your sleep."

Josh is immensely focused on uncapping their third bottle of vodka on the colonial center table. "Justin, if those two start arguing again, it's all on you. But seriously? Vodka?! What are we? Dumb college students? Is this the best you've got?!"

"There's nothing wrong with vodka. Apologize to vodka!" Justin's slurred speech causes Ken to laugh while he supports his drunk boyfriend that is slowly sliding down the couch. "Besides, you hang out with Vester too much, not everyone drinks alcohol on a daily basis until they end up--" 

"That was years ago, Justin!" Vester sits straight up from the couch to pre-empt further unnecessary information dumps from Justin. Paulo doesn't need to know that. He recalls how he drowned his miseries in liquor for weeks when he found out Paulo left for New York. Justin wouldn't let it go because he almost died due to drunk driving. His wrecked car equally showing his state of mind back then and he regrets it up to this day. That car held a lot of good memories and he destroyed it. Like everything else.

He turns to Paulo who is suddenly looking at him intently with glassy eyes and he realizes that Paulo is almost reaching his limit. Vester looks away because he's not that drunk yet but the situation is already challenging his self restrain. Paulo looks so vulnerable when he's tipsy.

"You hate drinking. When did you even start drinking? That's just stupid Vester." Paulo asks innocently. He didn't need to ask but the image of Vester wasting his life away with booze just sits wrongly with him and his face feels totally numb. And everything doesn't connect.

Justin giggles and Vester throws a cucumber stick at him. "Hey, respect the vegetable!" He turns to Ken with a pout. "Babe, he threw a vegetable at me!"

"Babe.. I think you need to slow down with the shots." Ken kisses Justin's cheek where the cucumber stick hit him, adjusting his fiance's unruly position in the couch.

"Okay!" Josh finally manages to open the bottle because Paulo stopped disturbing him. "No more shots for that talkative drunk! This next one belongs to.." He squints, trying to remember the last person who took the shot. "Paulo! It's Paulo's turn." 

"Josh, I think you need to skip his turn." Vester slides from the couch to the floor, reaching his hand out to take the glass away from Josh.

Paulo regains his senses and snatches the glass away from Vester. He's back to being annoyed. "I'm not drunk yet!"

"I'm not saying you are Paulo but you're almost zoning out there."

"Mochi, you always do this! Stop treating me like I can't handle myself." Paulo downs the drink until the glass is empty.

Vester is not drunk and he's not imagining things. The single thread of logic left in him is starting to break. He's transfixed staring at Paulo's neck, his adam's apple bobbing as he swallows the shot of vodka. Vester absent mindedly licks his lips, his desire for Paulo whether he's looking innocent as an angel or sinfully hot when he's drunk is an intense feeling that never went away.

Paulo knows he's drunk and the liquor is starting to betray him but he knows that look on Vester when he sees it. They were bestfriends and lovers. For years. And the period they've been apart does not amount to the time they spent as a couple madly in love with each other. Vester wants him and Paulo wants to reach out, to meet the yearning and lust in Vester's eyes halfway like he always does but the pain that comes from wanting and loving him breaks Paulo and he doesn't know how to put his broken pieces back together. 

The world doesn't stop like how it happens in the movies because their reality is much more complicated than that. The years they shared together wasn't enough to save their relationship and before even Paulo realizes it, his tears also betray him as the silent streams cloud his vision and Vester's face becomes all but a blur.

Paulo didn't bother to wipe his tears because the most important thing for him at the moment is not to be in the same room with Vester. He stands up albeit dizzy. He clumsily drops the empty glass and staggers but Ken is already beside him, supporting his weight. He still can't see clearly but he knows he's guided to the balcony when the night breeze hits his damp face.

"Sit down." 

Ken drags a chair and Paulo heeds without question. He hears Ken walk back inside but returns quickly, Paulo then feels something cold gently touch his cheek and he notices that Ken took a bottled water for him to drink. 

Paulo takes the water, his throat felt parched. "I thought I could do it." He finally wipes his face that definitely looks disgusting at this point and he starts to feel much better after cooling off. "I thought three years were enough.." He sighs while looking up at the almost black but star filled sky. "..how long more, Ken?"

Ken pulls a chair to sit beside Paulo and rests a comforting hand on his knee. "Maybe you should just stop fighting it."

"What do you mean?"

"Honestly, I'm too drunk to give any advice but from what I can see, you're trying so hard to treat him like an enemy."

"So you're suggesting I try to treat him like everyone else when all I want to do is rip him and his soul to shreds. Is that it?"

"You love him and hate him at the same time. Everyone can see that. And I totally understand you but maybe you have to find the right balance Paulo."

"I hate that he still has that effect on me."

"Or you can just give in to your obvious thirst and let him have his way with you."

"Asshole! I thought we're having a decent conversation."

"We're both too drunk to have a decent conversation."

"I messed up, we're supposed to be having fun."

"No you didn't. We had fun because we missed you and your dramatic ass."

***

When they return inside, he wasn't expecting Vester to stay after what happened but he did and Paulo is not sure how to deal with him anymore. He avoids his gaze and walks past him, going straight to Justin, now uncomfortably sleeping on the love seat in a fetal position. He pokes his cheek but there was no reaction. 

"The vodka killed him before I could." Paulo turns to Ken with a satisfied grin.

Ken replies with an eye roll while trying to prop Justin up. "You just want to brag that you were not the first one to pass out drunk." 

"Fucking ironic." He keeps a somber look on Justin's sleeping form, thinking that maybe if he's the one who passed out, Vester didn't have to see that pathetic side of him. But it's too late for that now.

"Guys, I just want to remind you that it's a weekday tomorrow.." Josh pauses. "..no, it's already a weekday and if you think you have classes to skip later, sorry to burst your bubble but no. Time to go home!"

"I miss the irresponsible Josh, bring him back, you impostor." Paulo remarks with a pout.

Josh approaches Paulo with a sadistic smile and drapes an arm around his shoulder. "Oh you won't have time to miss anything because we're going home like how we used to. You, me and Vester in one car. So you and Vester have all the time in the world to reminisce the good old days."

"I can go home by myself, no thanks."

"You're not taking a cab by yourself, Mr. pain-in-the-ass. And don't bother calling your driver at this time." Josh turns to Vester who has not moved from the same spot for the last half hour. "And you, go help Ken with Justin and call Tony to start the car so we can all go home now."

"This Josh is also bossy. I don't like it." Paulo retorts with sarcasm but he knows Josh won't take no for an answer. It's gonna be a long and bumpy ride home.

***

Paulo is starting to sober up but the car's movement is making his stomach queasy. He can feel the slightest gear shift like a high magnitude earthquake and keeping his eyes closed does nothing to alleviate the discomfort. After they dropped Josh off which is just a few minutes away from Justin's place, the silence between them intensifies every minute and he's regretting every decision he made and why he agreed to this very awkward set up. There is little to no room for him to keep his distance. He curses the car's cramped back seat and Vester's high tolerance for alcohol.

Paulo's irritation reached its peak when they start the winding road leading home because the twists and sharp curves are tormenting him. He blurts out with annoyance. "What happened to your Lexus?! Why would you change it to this cramped Porsche?!! You're into sports cars now or something?!!"

Their silent driver clears his throat, maybe from surprise or relief because finally his passengers are starting to talk like normal people. He has known Vester and Paulo for years and seeing them act like distant friends is quite unheard of.

"This car is not meant for back seat passengers. I usually drive myself but since it's Justin's birthday and drinking is involved, I asked Tony to drive."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Yeah, I also miss that car."

"Well you can blame Josh later if I accidentally vomit on your leather seat." Paulo looks away to the window and regrets talking because it made the pounding on his head worse. He leans his forehead against the front seat head rest with a groan and the words he said were meant to annoy Vester but guess karma's laughing at him now. He's about to meet his dinner and the vodka for the second time.

"Come here." Vester's hand is suddenly pulling Paulo's arm to bring him closer. "You need to lie down and you know that."

"I don't want to." Paulo answers stubbornly, slapping Vester's hand away and squeezing himself closer to the window.

"Paulo, I know that I'm the last person you'll ask for help but please don't make it hard on yourself just because you hate me. Please. Come here and lie down, you'll feel much better. We still have half an hour before we reach the main gates." This time, Vester softly tugs the sleeve of Paulo's cotton shirt.

Paulo turns to Vester with a frown but he knows that Vester is right and what use is his pride anyway, there's nothing for him to lose anymore. He's been telling that to himself for the longest time. 

He slowly shifts towards Vester with hesitation but Vester gently cradles his head and guides him to lie down. And just like fine tuned clockwork, Paulo wraps his arm on Vester's thighs, resting his head snuggly on his lap with a contented sigh while Vester massages Paulo's head in soothing circular patterns, combing the strands of his hair delicately.

Within a few minutes, Paulo's excruciating pain diminishes. Literally and figuratively because he can feel the feather light kisses on the top of his head and Vester's inconsolable tears that are flowing down on Paulo's cheek and he knows he's not the only one who suffered. 

Paulo thought he was done crying. He thought his tears already dried up from all the nights that he cried himself to sleep. He thought Vester doesn't hold the power to make him cry anymore but here they are, sobbing uncontrollably in each other's arms.

If only life was that simple. If only the two of them existed in this world...

If only love was enough.

If only this moment could last forever.

Vester embraces Paulo tightly and whispers like a silent prayer. "Welcome home, Paulo."


	5. Jagged Edges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a pain that was long overdue.

_"Are you feeling better?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You're home now."_

_"I know, I can see that Vester."_

_"This was a mistake. I'm sorry Paulo."_

  
Paulo unmoving, lies awake in bed. The black out empire curtains seals off any light from shining through the room and he dislikes the suffocating darkness yet he's too exhausted to move. The physical weariness is bearable but he's completely devoid emotionally. He knows hours have already passed but Vester's scorching embrace still burns him like a helpless moth slowly disintegrating through the fiery scarlet blaze. Vester's tears momentarily gave Paulo a sliver of hope until he is pushed away again and that hope was nothing but an illusion. 

Vester will always be Paulo's unattainable flame but he tirelessly allows himself to be burned. How many rejections is he willing to take before he gives up? Will he ever learn?

The incessant ticking of the antique clock in a way is a gentle reminder that time is not patient enough to wait for his obstinate heart to keep up because the answers were already presented to him, multiple times and this is exactly the reason why he finally decided to leave New York and its temporary escapism. Vester is clear about what he wants and Paulo needs to move on with his life. He needs to accept that. He should have accepted that three years ago but he was too blinded by anger. Vester wanting him is not enough to bring back all the things that they lost. 

He returned home because he needs to face his demons and learn to let go. To set himself free from the love that he still has for Vester and the pain that disables him from moving past the things that hurt. 

Paulo checks his phone remembering Josh's crude humor that they do not have classes to skip anymore. Time sure passed and the reality that he's an adult with responsibilities beyond himself is the irrevocable truth.

***

Vester paces aimlessly inside Victoria's room, a desolate cry for help but he finds calmness within its comforting silence. The day Paulo returned was the day he forcefully gathered the courage to face whatever memories remain in its unspeaking walls because he needed a reason to be strong. And every time he feels the desire to be selfish and steal Paulo away, beg him to take him back, he stays in his sister's room to remind himself that he's doing the right thing. 

The love of his life deserves someone better. 

And Vester does not deserve someone as wonderful and loving as Paulo. 

***

_"Vester, wait!"_

_"I already told you Vicky, stop following me."_

_"I know where you're going so you might as well bring me along. I also want to spend time with him!"_

_"It's way past your curfew. Mom said no leaving the house after 8."_

_"Please?"_

_"No."_

_"I also missed him, come on don't leave me behind!"_

_"It was just a three day event, Vicky. Stop saying that you missed him."_

_"Yeah, it was only three days but you were so cranky! What if Paulo studies overseas? You'll be the grouchiest person ever."_

_"Not if I study with him overseas."_

_"Then he'll just make more interesting friends over there. He's too carefree to be bestfriends with someone as boring as you."_

_"He'll stay with me because he's mine, Victoria."_

_"Uhhh, reminder! He's not yours, my dear brother. Stop keeping him for yourself."_

_"Just because Dad said that, it doesn't mean Paulo will marry you."_

_"You don't want Paulo to be part of our family?"_

_"Not in that sense."_

_"But wouldn't it be great if the people you really, really, really like becomes a part of your family?"_

_"No it won't."_

_"But why??"_

_"Fine!! You can come along but stop asking questions like that especially in front of him, are we clear?"_

_"Yes, I pinky promise! I love you Vester!"_

***

  
Vester wakes up from the constant ringing of his phone, slightly disoriented because he was so tired, he didn't realize that he dozed off in the art deco sofa in the corner of Victoria's room. He curses, it's probably his secretary and he's already late for work. His sleep deprived brain tries to process the time and the name of the caller, finding out that it's only 5 am and his father is calling him. 

"Dad?"

"Son, are you out? Your mother said you're not in your room." 

His father sounds sick and Vester darts out quickly, running through the family area, across the library and all the way to the opposite side of the house to his parents' room with his heart beating so loud. The guilt clouding his judgement because all he's focused on is his despairing relationship with Paulo while his father continues to work despite his declining health. 

Vester didn't notice that his hands were shaking, gripping the phone tightly until he reached the door to his parents' room and knocks frantically. "Dad, Mom?! I'm here."

Deborah opens the door and sees her son trying to catch his breath, all sweaty with clear panic on his exhausted face. "Vester, sorry to make you worry." She cups Vester's face with a warm smile. "Come in."

"Is Dad okay?"

"Don't worry, that man is just trying to get your attention. You two have been working so hard lately, last time we had dinner together was almost two weeks ago. It's like we're not living in the same house. Forgive your Dad for the theatrics."

Instead of relief, Vester felt more disgusted with himself because he's working like a madman, running across countries not because of selfless goals but due to his lack of bravery, making sure he and Paulo will not cross paths at work. There's a special place for people like him in the after life and Vester will accept it wholeheartedly.

Vester walks closer and sees his father sitting up on bed looking fairly well. "Dad? What's wrong?"

Vernon smiles, prompting his son to sit on the space beside him. "You hung up so fast, I wasn't able to explain. Sit here." He speaks in a hoarse, nasal voice.

"Dad, stop giving me a heart attack! What's wrong?" Vester sits beside his father, uneased.

"It's just a common flu, don't fret. But your mother won't stop nagging so I'm taking a week off to rest."

Vester leans on the head board with a sigh of relief. "You can take two weeks or more if you need to, Dad." His body finally relaxes from the tension, the comfortable bed and lavender scented diffuser is starting to remind him that he hasn't slept well for days. "Don't do something like that again, oh my God.."

"I'm sorry son. I know you just came back from Taiwan but since I won't be around, I need you to attend the conference in Singapore."

"Yeah, sure. Of course." Vester will obviously not decline such a convenient opportunity to not set foot in their office for the next few days. "I'll call Leila so she can arrange the flight amendment and accommodation under my name." He can feel his whole body succumbing to sleep when he feels his mother gently pat his cheek and speaks softly.

"Actually, I already called Leila last night so everything's settled.."

Vester looks up with inquiry. His mother rarely involves herself with work related issues and Vester knows there's always a calm before the storm. "Uhmm, okay. Thanks Mom." He keeps his quizzical gaze on her, waiting for the catch phrase because there is always a catch phrase. 

Since Victoria passed away and things went south, his parents have been very careful with words and actions towards him and Vester just wants to know how long more do they need to keep walking on eggshells before they return to a normal family. 

Deborah continues, her warm smile is now replaced with glumness. "You leave later in the afternoon and I told Leila to make sure your flight back home will--"

"We all know what day I'm supposed to be back Mom. How can I ever forget?"

Vester leaves his parents' room feeling wretched. How many death anniversaries must they go through before their house returns to a home? Vester knows he's selfish. But Victoria took everything with her. And there's nothing left. She took their parents' genuine smiles to her grave and Vester wishes his efforts are enough to bring that happiness back. If there's a gruesome thing such as a twisted sense of sibling rivalry, Vester's living that nightmare.

***

The greatest problem in growing up with someone, sharing your fruitful and tearful years, nurturing companionship and love until the same person tosses you away like yesterday's newspaper is that Paulo can recognize Vester from every angle, be it from one corner of the room or from all the way across the freaking Pacific Ocean. He knows he's doomed the moment he saw him sitting in the airport lounge in his glorious black button down shirt and brushed up hair. Paulo is still trying to recover from his battered pride and unthinkably ogling at his ex like an absolute moron is surely not the best first step in his road to salvation. Vester is focused on his laptop, typing with a frown and Paulo curses his weak heart for beating a hundred miles per hour. 

What kind of sick humor is this?! It hasn't even been twenty four hours since he was turned down for.. for how many times now?!? He'd rather not count and fate is already laughing once again at his expense.

Paulo didn't have time for a proper meal, a big thanks to his yet again well deserved hang over when his father urgently announces that he needs to take his Uncle Ralph's place in the Singapore conference due to some kind of emergency that he wasn't able to catch because end point is, he doesn't have a choice. He was expecting to have a quick lunch at the airport until he saw Vester. And Paulo will obviously not risk his cover over peptic ulcer. He gives Josh a distressed call despite knowing that things are already beyond his control.

Josh picks up immediately. "Yes?"

"How could you keep a secret from me?! You saw me this morning! How dare you! What am I supposed to do now?"

"What the hell is your problem Paulo?!"

"This conference is supposed to be with Uncle Vernon, why didn't you tell me that Vester's coming?! I thought you were my friend??"

"Why are you so extra?! I'm not your personal spy and I am not Vester's nanny! How am I supposed to know what's happening over at operations?"

"I have a splitting head ache and I'm so hungry Josh! I don't have time for this!"

"Consider it as the desensitization process. I have something to do now, go call Ken if you're not done whining." 

Josh ends the call and Paulo calms down after that sudden outburst.

The silver lining was that he noticed Vester first and Paulo thanks his dejected mood this morning for choosing sweat pants and hoodie for his airport walk of shame. It earned him an appalled look from Josh when he went to the office earlier to retrieve his laptop but at least he can use his questionable choice in clothing to hide his very unlucky self. Actually, he takes it back, people who don't travel in comfortable clothes are the absolute morons and business trips are created to torment him. He pulls the hoodie up to hide his face and treads through the opposite side of the lounge. Vester is definitely travelling with a secretary and he needs to be on the look out as he sits in the farthest corner of the room in jitters. 

He just needs to make it through boarding without being noticed and probably a truck ton of fairy dust for extra luck that he won't end up on a seat close to him. He checks his watch, fifteen minutes before boarding. He can do this.

"Paulo?!"

A cheery high pitched female voice calls his name a few meters away and his heart almost dropped in his guts. Paulo closes his eyes, praying that there are other unlucky Paulos out there who knows this person.

"Paulo Nase?!"

The voice is coming closer and he just wants to bolt out of the room in anguish because his day is turning out into a very cliche sitcom. The person was his former band mate in freshman college when he still believed that he is the conductor of his own life and that he can dream beyond the daunting shadow of his family name.

  
"Ashley! Hi!" Paulo greets her with unfeigned fondness and a hug, her timing was indeed horrible but she's a good friend. "How are you?" He stealthily pulls her back in his corner hide out, call him paranoid but he's too scared to throw a glance at Vester's direction and see that he's also staring back at him in shock.

"I'm great. And you?! Last time I heard news about you was around two years ago. I saw Justin when my niece was rushed to the emergency but he was so busy, there was no time for catching up. He said you're in New York."

"Yeah I was, I just got back."

"You disappeared from the face of the earth Paulo! What happened to you?"

"Business school.. work, boring stuff. How about you?"

"I'm with a different group now, we met up in a gig, found out we have same tastes in music, made a few songs and the rest is history. We're not that mainstream yet but hey, we do this for love, right?!"

"I'm really happy you're pursuing it. Dream big or don't dream at all!"

"And I'm proud of you for choosing your family over music. I will always tell you how I admire you so much for that."

"Then you should hook me up in a VIP front seat on your next show."

"Of course, as long as you don't ghost us. You have a knack for disappearing Paulo. Wait. Enough about me, tell me more about you! And Vester? Please tell me you already proposed because I will seriously disown you as my friend if you let Vester beat you to it."

Paulo has mastered the art of keeping people at bay and masking his real thoughts to protect himself but he still needed a long pause for that question because everything is still a fresh, gaping wound and he doesn't have enough bandages to stop the bleeding. 

"Never had the chance."

"Huh?! Why? You've been together for so long."

"Guess it wasn't long enough."

"But.."

"Let's just say that... music and Vester falls on the same category in my life."

***

  
Fate wasn't as wicked to him as Paulo initially thought. He managed to survive boarding and the four hour flight in peace. It also helped that Vester continuously worked on his laptop throughout the flight and Paulo managed to take naps and in-between stalking to ensure Vester won't see him. He even purposely stayed behind as the last passenger to leave the plane when they landed just for good measure.

The only miscalculation was Paulo did not consider the chauffeur hired by their company. When Paulo steps out of immigration and into the arrival gates, a representative is already waiting, a small placard in hand with his and Vester's name clearly scribbled like pre-ordained destiny and because Paulo was the last passenger out, Vester is already standing in front of the hotel employee, glowering at their names with disbelief. His secretary stands behind, wondering why her boss is so hung up on something.

Paulo's mind was deciding on various scenarios on how to escape but he knows that he's just prolonging the inevitable. He tries to repeat Ken's drunken advise in his head like a chant hoping that it can help him with his ordeal. 

_"you love him and hate him at the same time"_

_"maybe you have to find the right balance"_

He curses Ken because the only thing that Paulo has right now is vertigo. He braces himself and walks to Vester with an impassive face, trying to negate the chaos happening inside him.

"Good afternoon." Paulo cannot hear his own voice over the violent drumming of his heart but he needs to keep his composure. 

Vester turns around and looks at Paulo but turns away in haste. 

"Good afternoon." 

Vester replies politely, keeping his gaze fixed on the floor and Paulo thanks him for that because he's not prepared to lose his way again. They both have a task to fulfill and the world will not wait for them to settle their personal issues.

Paulo turns to Vester's secretary with a smile. "Hi. Good afternoon."

The absolute confusion on her face in addition to the subtle head to toe assessment that she did earns a chuckle from Paulo.

"That's Paulo, Leila." Vester remarks.

The puzzled face instantly turns to shock. "Sir Paulo, good afternoon. I'm so sorry, we were not introduced yet."

"It's okay. That's what happens when you tag along with Vester."

  
The chauffeur directs them to the private SUV that will bring them to their hotel. Vester is already expecting another awkward ride with Paulo and he's praying that they won't get stuck in traffic. Vester wanted to keep his distance but Leila already occupied the front passenger seat and it's like they have a repeat scenario of what happened just a few hours ago. They're sitting side by side again and Vester is struggling to survive. Paulo still looks so attractive despite his unkempt hair and oversized hoodie, add to the fact that he's still nursing a hang over. The dark rings under his eyes and his overly pale skin clearly shows that he hasn't slept well but Paulo will always look ethereal in Vester's eyes.

"Stop staring. You know how much I hate it." Paulo scolds him, looking straight into the road with a deadpan stare.

Vester looks away. "Sorry." He can feel the blush creeping from his neck up to his face and he looks out the window to hide his embarrassment. He was so cruel last night for pushing Paulo away and now, he's gawking at him shamelessly like an infatuated idiot. He can subconsciously hear Josh insulting him.

"Sleep."

"Huh?" 

"You heard me the first time, Vester. I'll wake you up when we reach the hotel."

"Why?"

"Because you look like you need it. Have you seen yourself? Plus, it's easier to murder people when they're sleeping."

"You can kill me anytime, I won't even struggle."

"Where's the fun in that?"

Vester looks at Paulo's blank face intently and just like how mindless atoms attract each other, his hand reaches out and pinches Paulo gently in the cheek.

Paulo turns to Vester with a death stare and Vester lets go with a nervous smile but he'll risk life and limb as long as he can say what's on his mind before Paulo axe murders him. "Still squishy like mochi."

"And you're an ugly cry baby."

"Grumpy meanie!"

"Vester, go to sleep. Or else, I swear to God..."

"Sleeping now..."

Vester closes his eyes and not long after, Paulo hears the soft snores.

_"you love him and hate him at the same time"_

_"maybe you have to find the right balance"_

No, Ken is wrong. Paulo doesn't need it because finding the right balance requires him to harbor the same feelings that continues to hurt him. 

The estimated half an hour travel time from the airport to the hotel took longer than expected due to rush hour but Paulo's not complaining. Vester's serene sleeping face allowed Paulo to think things through with a clear mind. True to his words, he wakes Vester up when the vehicle stops in the hotel round about and the staff starts to unload the luggage for them.

"Wake up, we're here." 

Paulo gently taps his shoulder knowing how much of a light sleeper he is. Vester slowly opens his eyes and gives Paulo a tired smile. 

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

The check in process was efficient and Paulo laughs at his comical thoughts. If this happened to his bitter and angry self a few days ago, he can imagine himself throwing temper tantrums like a fire breathing dragon, demanding the hotel staff to give him the farthest room away from Vester. But now, even after seeing that their rooms are beside each other, Paulo accepts things calmly. Ken was right at a certain point, he just needs to face the things that hurt and do something about it.

"Paulo, do you have plans for dinner?"

"No. Just room service."

"Okay. Sleep well."

"Good night Vester."

They both lie awake in bed, calm but like wise troubled. Hyper aware knowing the only thing that physically separates them is a wall.

But peace also comes to the restless. Paulo and Vester falls asleep, dreamless in peaceful slumber because once they wake up, the bigger things in life that constantly pulls them apart will welcome their weary souls once again.

***

  
The successful partnership between an economics major with humble beginnings - Vernon Ajero and a prominent heir of the Nase family, the youngest of three siblings - Reuben, produced the most successful shipping line company that has dominated the country for decades. The company's exclusive contracts with the international market created the massive empire that covers Asia, Europe and North America. Every top dog in the business world acknowledges the enormous feat that the two life long friends managed to overcome and it is a no brainer that people will be expecting things from their sons.

Vester and Paulo's fate to continue the legacy has been decided the moment they were born. Vester is under training as chief operations officer, grooming him to succeed the CEO once his father retires. While Paulo trains under strict supervision of the Finance and Marketing Director which will eventually earn him a seat as board of directors. The Nase clan dominates the local business sector. They are renowned investors and major stock holders of various companies and Paulo is expected to be outstanding nevertheless. The inevitable life of the privileged. 

Paulo adjusts the cuff of his blazer with mild irritation. Wearing dress shirts and suits is not something out of the ordinary in his upbringing but it doesn't mean he has learned how to live comfortably with it. He finally breathes a sigh of relief when he finished his presentation and he's quite happy about the majority's response. He swore to himself that despite the emotional mess that he's going through, he will not be a disappointment to his family, especially to his father.

Which brings him to the opposite side of the coin, Vester. Sitting beside him comfortably in his two piece gray suit like it's second skin with a distant air of authority surrounding his very infuriating, handsome self and Paulo needs to douse himself with holy water for entertaining sinful thoughts in the middle of a very important meeting.

The conference also serves as a way to socialize and establish relationships with business partners and after the lengthy discussions, they finally proceed to the hotel's ball room for tea break. Paulo's mild irritation starts again when he sees Vester following him behind, his poor secretary trailing him like a lost chick.

"Why are you following me Vester?"

"Too many people."

"Don't use me as an excuse to avoid human interaction. How old are you, five?"

"How was New York?"

"Cold and at the same time, welcoming. Reminds me of someone. Stop distracting me, go away!"

"This is a public place, I'll stay where I want to."

"The moment I stood here, this automatically became _my_ spot."

"Who's five now?!"

"We can both be five but this is still _my_ spot, so go find your own!"

"Paulo, don't be so grumpy."

"I'm annoyed because you won't stop pestering me! Leila, can you drag your boss somewhere else?"

  
Leila did not sign up to babysit two fully grown men who argue like high school students. She was not expecting to see her very stern and hardworking boss show a human side that he only shares with Paulo Nase. It's beyond her pay check but it comforts her to see that the usually reserved Vester Ajero can look happy and childish around someone his age. She suddenly feels like an adoptive mother who will protect these two with her life.

"Vester, hi! How are you?"

Paulo and Vester turns to see Olivia Chen behind them with a sweet smile and Paulo knows why the daughter of Taiwan's richest businessman graces them with her presence. She has liked Vester since they first met in Hongkong for a charity event and if this were to happen in the past, Paulo would have turned to her with an icy glare, claiming his territory with a violent hiss but this time, Paulo steps back allowing her to give Vester a kiss on the cheek. She's really a sweet girl but Paulo used to hate anyone who showed interest in his man. He now realizes how self consumed he was back then.

He is painfully but slowly accepting that he will be seeing Vester more often in these types of situation and if the time comes that he will see Vester in a relationship with someone, he needs the resolve to be able to watch him from far with sincere happiness. 

"Hi Paulo." Olivia also greets her with a kiss. "I have not seen you for.. two, three years?"

"Yeah." Paulo replies flatly. 

She then turns to Vester who continuously follows Paulo like a set of bamboo tree. "Vester, I heard from Darren that you were in Taipei last week."

"Yes, it was just a quick meeting with the engineering department." 

"Darren said you had time to hang out with him at 101. Two consecutive nights." Olivia declares with a pout.

Paulo had to remind himself to keep his poker face and a mental note to also revive his dwindling social life. He tries to tune out Vester's reply because it is not in his place anymore to be concerned. Moving on starts with a turning point and Paulo has been given numerous chances that he ignored. He deserves the whiplash that he's feeling now.

Olivia's dainty hand shakes him out of his internal musings. 

"Paulo, are you okay?"

"Yeah. Never been better."

  
The conference was held in the same hotel where they are checked in and by the end of the day, as they walk back to their respective rooms in silence, Paulo takes his first step and calls out to Vester who is about to swipe the key card for his room.

"Do you have plans for dinner?" It is now Paulo's turn to ask. He's standing in his doorway expectantly hoping that Vester will not turn him down.

Vester was not expecting that but he replies with a smile. "What do you have in mind?"

"How about an adventure?" 

"I assume this adventure doesn't include us wearing these suits."

"Yeah, please remove those god forsaken things."

"Like.. right now?" Vester inquires with mischief. The twinkling perversity in his eyes makes Paulo want to punch him because he is not allowed to do that.

Paulo throws him a hostile gaze and Vester steps in his room with a playful grin. "See you later Paulo."

***

  
An hour later, they meet in the hallway with almost matching clothes that fits the country's humid weather, Vester with black Bermuda shorts and a white Henley shirt that fits his shoulders perfectly. It was paired by black loafers and Paulo slightly feels annoyed with the coincidence as he stares down at his own white shorts and black crew neck shirt wondering why his doesn't fit snugly the way Vester's does. He almost wanted to throw his white sneakers at Vester's good looking face but that will make him appear more childish than he already is. Why does he always have to look so good in everything? Paulo is infuriated again because every time he stands beside Vester, Paulo's boyish features just makes him look like a displaced foster kid and Vester always appears like a model that just stepped out of the runway even in casual clothes. 

"So, where is this adventure that you're bragging about?" Vester asks after Paulo was done checking him out.

Paulo is seconds away from throwing Vester off the infinity pool. "Are you sure you really want to go? Do you trust me not to murder you in some random alleyway?" In all honesty, it's a question for himself because there is no turning back after this.

"I trust you with everything that I have, Paulo."

Paulo walks ahead because Vester has always been honest to a fault. It's endearing and painful just like everything else about them and Paulo just wants to free himself from everything. 

  
The private car dropped them off in a quaint street behind the sprawling skyscrapers of Orchard Road. The place is lined up with landed residential houses that are stark contrasts against the bustling city. Vester observes the area with a gnawing sense of familiarity, from the random joggers out for their night run and a few people walking with their pets. You wouldn't think that they are just a stone's throw away from the metro and Vester keenly observes Paulo who walks beside him with a distant stare. 

"So you're really planning to kill me. Asking the driver to drop us off in a secluded place then walking randomly going to who knows where." Vester speaks in a factual tone.

"Yeah, that driver doesn't need to know where I will hide the corpse."

"This place feels familiar." Vester looks ahead, matching his steps with Paulo's pace just like how they always do when they go for random night walks back home when they were teens. 

And everything just clicks in Vester's mind. This street feels like home. Paulo will always be the most amazing human being in Vester's eyes and he wants to hold his hand but this is enough. Paulo spending time with him is enough. He'll take any scraps Paulo is willing to give. Vester will live through that.

They stop in front of a small shophouse but instead of going in through the front door, Paulo guides him to a side path decorated with yellow fairy lights that trails all the way behind the property's garden restaurant. It is an unassuming place that you will not immediately notice when you pass by and Paulo has mad skills in discovering hidden treasures like this. 

A staff approaches them and Paulo states his name for the reservation. "Hi, good evening. It was a last minute call but reservation's under Paulo Nase."

"Yes, we've been expecting you sir, this way please." 

The young lady directs them to an al fresco table neatly tucked in a corner. The back drop filled with low growing river tarenna plants, their yellow flowers accentuated by the fairy lights gives off a mystic feel and the well cultivated white lilies and mint plants add to the calming atmosphere. You almost forget the tropical climate because of all the greens surrounding the place. The air is fresh and crisp. 

"If you mention the word date, even once, I am not kidding, you will meet your creator." Paulo threatens while reading the menu. 

"I don't even know what that word means." Vester replies, fondly looking at Paulo with a soft smile.

Without looking up from the menu, Paulo asks excitedly. "My friend from Queens told me to try their French-Asian fusion. What do you think?"

"You haven't.. been here.. before?" Vester asks dumbly.

"As if I have someone else to bring here." Paulo confirms with an irate glare.

Vester is supposed to check the menu but his mind is still rejoicing from the fact that Paulo still wants to share something with him and he will be eternally grateful for that.

They both agreed on the tarte flambee with kombu seaweed and wagyu filet mignon. They decided not to go overboard with the wine and it was a mutual decision that satisfied their palates. By the end of their meal, the usual tension between them was set aside, with conscious efforts not to discuss about certain things until they're finally talking like the childhood friends that they are. 

  
"I'm still scared shitless every time I remember Uncle Ralph running after me with that hard bound Quantitative Finance book. He was so mad I ran outside shirtless in the middle of winter."

"You do know that you get so easily annoyed but you have an exceptional skill in angering your family in the simplest ways."

"Because they're too uptight. Remember that time when we had to stash my Gibson behind a parked dump truck so that my mother won't notice we skipped school for the audition?"

"Yeah, I was so scared for that guitar that it would end up in a land fill or somewhere."

"We were so dumb for keeping it there."

"We were, is that guitar still with you?"

_It's still in my room but I refuse to look at it, same with my bed room that I despise staying at so now, I've been sleeping in the guest room like a crazy person._

Is what's running on Paulo's mind. "Yeah." He replies noncommittally instead.

They've been together almost their whole lives and catching up is a foreign concept in their bizarre relationship. Since their break up, this is their first time to talk and treat each other like how they used to. But not every memory is full of laughter so they jump from one story to the next like carefully skimming the pages of an old tattered yearbook.

  
"That Toyota is still parked behind our garage. But I think all it needs is some fine tune and oil change, it can still give you a run for your money."

"I was suspended for two weeks because of that car, Paulo. If I see that now, I'm gonna set it on fire."

"Leave the car in peace. Not my fault you were so hot tempered."

"I've been telling you, that guy really likes you but you won't listen. Of course I'm upset."

"He was my band mate Vester!"

"Exactly."

"You had no reason to be mad and ram his car with _my car!_ He knows we're together!"

"Exactly."

"Wow, you were so possessive, I'm just realizing that now."

"Do you hate it?"

"No, I could never hate you back then." 

"Past tense."

"Yeah. Past."

They both know when the conversation starts to cause unease between them, they immediately change to a light hearted topic. It's like they're playing a very dangerous game of Jenga. One small mistake, everything falls apart in shambles.

  
They cleared their tab and left the restaurant with Vester feeling a new found sense of comfort in Paulo's company. They walk side by side through the quiet streets that really feels like a warped version of home but he can't ignore the foreboding sense that there is something Paulo is not willing to tell him yet. They spend a few minutes in silence until Paulo stops in front of pristine white laced iron gates that matches the colonial architecture of the mansion inside. 

Vester looks back when he noticed that Paulo is not just momentarily distracted. He stopped in this specific place with a purpose. Paulo always has elaborate ways of expressing himself and Vester knows his instincts were right. It's like they stepped in the twilight zone, it is obviously not an exact replica but the house in front clearly resembles Vester's own.

"How do you find these kinds of places Paulo?" Vester looks up at the house in awe.

"I wanted to say luck but.. I'm a bit short on that lately so I'll say coincidence."

There's no such thing as coincidence when it comes to Paulo. He will do whatever it takes to turn matters according to how he wants it and Vester knows that. The foreboding sense that he's feeling is slowly turning into fear because he's not ready to re-live something that he has tried to bury in his memories like a plague.

"Paulo.." There's no heavy rain but it still feels like its downpouring.

"Please Vester.. let me do this." Paulo speaks with teary eyes. "Maybe I was angry because you never gave me the chance for a proper closure." He takes a deep breath trying to contain the emotions that are pouring out like a raging waterfall. "So this time, it's a selfish request but please.. let me move on from this so I can be happy again."

Vester can't say a word even if he wanted to. To see Paulo cry again destroys him and all he can do is slowly die inside. He knows he can't do anything to stop him from crying and maybe Vester deserves to die over and over again.

Paulo wipes his tears away like an abandoned child and looks at Vester with sorrow. "I'm sorry that I was not strong enough for you to rely on. I'm sorry I failed you in the past when you needed someone."

"Please don't think that this ended because you were not enough." Vester replies with choked tears, the nails digging deep in his fisted palms and he might as well bleed.

"I don't want to think anymore Vester, I'm tired and I just want my own truth if you refuse to spare me."

"Paulo you were more than enough."

"But look at us now.." 

"I'm sorry."

"You had your reasons and I know you're also hurting. So don't apologize."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Help me. Please let me go.."

Vester thought he has already experienced insurmountable pain but this agony is something that he will never wish on anyone. There is nothing left of him. He is just an empty shell of his former self.

"I will always love you Paulo. Find your happiness. I'm letting you go."

"Good bye Mochi."

Paulo walks away from Vester. A part of his past that he needs to let go and he's supposed to feel free but all he feels is the world slowly collapsing around him and he can't breathe. 


	6. Infinite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past dictated the present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The writer hates to include intro notes but the topic ahead needs to be addressed with utmost importance. 
> 
> The warning can be easily added to the tags, a convenience and a caution for readers who prefer to stay away from sensitive topics. A reader's choice that the writer highly respects but the story should also be allowed to flow in its own.
> 
> Therefore, this is the warning. 
> 
> Consider yourself advised if you wish to proceed. This chapter involves untimely death.

_\---Nothing distinguishes memories from ordinary moments. Only later do they become memorable by the scars they leave---_

_Fourth week of summer_

The sweltering heat of March is a normal occurrence comparable to the rising and setting of the sun and amidst the blazing heat, nature has its own way of adapting as the leaves radiate the brightest shade of green and the flowers project a lustrous bloom under the harsh elements. Life creates its own will and just like how every living things strives to exist, the beginning of summer resonates the passing of time. In its own graceful speed, the present turns into memories and the ignorance of youth fades into the obscureness of adulthood. 

Vester's room is located on the second level of their three-storey mansion with a balcony facing the pool in its ground floor. Its corner slot allows massive windows that can be freely opened to a wall of perfectly lined bamboo trees that obscures it from the neighboring property. It has always been a perfect place to stay especially on summer peaks when the increasing temperature is brutal and the false sense of comfort that the air conditioning unit provide simply just falls short. 

Vester and Paulo lies motionless in bed, with Vester leaning against the head board in a lazy sprawl while Paulo uses Vester's thighs as pillow. Quite the unnecessary skin contact considering the searing humidity but the thought of not being in close proximity with each other is simply ludicrous. Even the infernal weather is not capable of separating them and they've been staring wordlessly in comfortable silence until Vester speaks.

"I still can't believe you told them a week before graduation. What did they say?"

"My Mom cried, that's expected. My Dad.. well.. he's still trying to process it."

Vester's hand finds its way to Paulo's own, providing the calm assurance that they both need. "Are you okay?"

"Their only son who is expected to have an heir came out to them as gay. I'll be lying if I tell you everything's fine." Paulo chuckles and gives Vester's hand a firm squeeze. "But they deserve to know. I'll be okay."

"You're so brave, I'm so proud of you." Vester interlaces their fingers in a tight grasp, conveying all the things that he wanted to say through the silent gesture.

Paulo sees Vester with a sullen look. Without letting go of his hand, Paulo sits up to give Vester an admonishing stare. "Quit with that face. I'm not asking and I will never ask you to do the same thing because we both know it's not that simple. I just want them to stop nagging me about all that unnecessary shit."

Vester smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes. "I know. I just feel so conflicted right now. You deserve better than this."

"You love me. That's enough."

"I wish I can tell the whole world how amazing you are and that you're mine."

"You are so cheesy!" Paulo moves closer to kiss Vester's cheek. "Technically, you already made that thing clear with the third years.." Paulo remarks with an overtly sarcastic tone. "..and with everyone from my music club. You're lucky it's our last year."

Vester smiles, a genuine smile at last. Gently pinching Paulo's cheek and replies. "You just won't let me live that down won't you?" 

"You owe me a car Mochi!"

"You only call me that when you want something."

"And you only call me that when you did something wrong."

"But you still love me."

"Always." Paulo answers, looking at Vester's eyes earnestly.

"Paulo, will you really be okay?"

"We have us, right?"

"We always have us."

"Then I'll be fine."

_They profoundly believed that nothing is capable of breaking them apart. Not the changing of seasons. Not the inescapable coming of age. But youth is bliss. And short lived. No one stays a child forever._

***

Victoria hurriedly runs up the grand staircase, her kitten heeled shoes tapping through the marble flooring in a less graceful manner than what is expected and it does not go unnoticed by her mother who has been avidly observing her from the family room downstairs.

"Vicky, let your brother take his time and don't run up the stairs when you're wearing a dress, young lady!"

Victoria stops three flights before the landing and looks back to her mother with a smile. "We'll be late if he keeps on dragging! I want to give Paulo's gift before we leave."

"Sweetie, I'm sure Paulo will appreciate it whether he receives it before or after the ceremony."

"Mom.." Victoria asks sweetly. "Please?"

"Okay but stop running."

"Not running anymore!" Victoria reaches the top of the staircase and walks straight to the end of the right wing hall to his brother's room.

"I'll call Tony to drive you there."

"Mom, it's just two blocks away!" Victoria's fading voice echoes until she reaches Vester's door and knocks with urgency.

Vester stares at himself in the mirror as the rays of the afternoon sun glaze through the curtain veil. It is still a few more hours before sundown but the culmination of the day will mark the beginning of a new chapter in his life. Graduation is just another starting point. A means to an end. A way to prove the world that he is worthy of respect so that when the time comes that he's ready to be as brave as Paulo, they cannot judge him for any shortcomings. An idealistic but naive way of thinking but as long as Paulo believes in him, nothing can break them apart.

The ceaseless knocking cuts Vester off from his thoughts. He opens the door to see his sister beaming at him with a gummy smile.

"Last time I checked, I'm the one graduating. Why do you look more excited than me?" Vester inquires with a smirk.

Victoria humors him and replies with a pout. "Because you're a grandpa trapped in a twenty year old body.." She walks past her brother with bounce on her steps and sits on the couch at the foot of Vester's bed. "..that's why you're really really slow."

"Since I'm old and boring, then I might as well stay here for the rest of the day." Vester taunts, leaning on the doorway smugly.

"Vester.. you promised we'll go to Paulo's house before we leave. Before they leave!"

"Vicky, I'm sure a gift before or after graduation won't make any difference."

"Oh my God! You're starting to sound like Mom, of course there's a big difference! It's the memories behind it. How can you be so unromantic?!" 

Paulo is already done fixing himself up for the occasion but he sits quietly inside his room, strumming his guitar with apathy. The last few days leading to this moment were filled with tears, frustrations and endless apologies on his part and it is plentiful reason enough to bring anyone's spirits down. The bright lit room facing the central garden appears to be overshadowed by uncertainties. He is responsible for how things turned out and he needs to face the repercussions but that doesn't mean he's not hurting from his parents' unspoken rejection.

A soft knock is heard and Paulo's mother speaks. "Are you done Paulo?"

"Yes Ma, come in." 

Helen enters her son's room with a nervous smile. Things have never been the same and will never be the same but the question has never been who is at fault. The answer on when will acceptance eventually reach the doorsteps can only be answered by time.

"You always play that piece whenever you're sad." 

Paulo stops and sets the guitar down. "Really? I never noticed."

"I wish I was more observant though.."

"Ma.. please.." He's been trying so hard not to cry today. "Is.. he coming to.. see me--"

"Your father will not miss your graduation, Paulo."

"I see." 

"Vester and Vicky's here. They're waiting at the patio."

"Okay." Paulo stands up, more than eager to leave but he was stopped by a gentle tug on his arm. 

"Let me fix that for you." Helen arranges the tie knot on her son and the resounding sadness bellows throughout the entire estate.

"Thank you."

"Do they know?"

"It's not important anymore."

"If they knew, it's important for me. So we can understand--"

"It's not a matter of understanding Ma." Paulo replies with a tired voice. "I'm still here but you make it sound like you just lost a son."

Paulo walks towards the siblings with heavy steps and Vester observes him keenly. They have not seen each other for a week because Paulo asked for it and Vester will always try to give what Paulo wants but the evident sadness in Paulo's tear-stricken, swollen eyes is alarming and Vester doesn't know what to do to help him.

"Hi Paulo--" The excitement in Victoria's voice wanes. "Are you.. okay?"

"Vicky, you haven't seen him for weeks and that's the first thing you ask him." Vester speaks calmly but deep inside, he just wants to embrace him, protect him from everything that hurts but Vester is aware of his own inadequateness. It makes him mad that he can't do anything.

Victoria looks at her brother with confusion but it's clear the she will never get an answer to her question. "Fine. It's not the first time I'm excluded from your secrets." She turns to Paulo. "No more sad faces, okay."

Paulo extends his hand out in an attempt to playfully pat Victoria's head who almost looks childlike beside them but she moves away.

"You're planning to mess up my hair! You're so annoying! It took me an hour to fix this." Victoria sits on the Italian cast iron chair facing the two.

"Really? An hour?! I don't see any difference." Paulo replies with sarcasm, shifting his weight to lean on Vester who is standing against the supporting beam. A silent assurance telling Vester that he's okay and this is enough.

Vester automatically drapes an arm around Paulo and it earns them an eyeroll from Victoria.

"It's because you're blind to my irresistible charm! I've been beaten by the Vester effect.."

"Vicky, you're here for his gift. Stop wasting time."

"..and Vester always sounds like a jealous girlfriend. Now that's the Paulo effect."

"Stop labelling things that you can't explain. That makes you a kid even if you insist you're not. And stop making fun of your brother." Paulo drops the sarcasm, trying to hide a smile.

"You always spoil him Paulo!"

"No I don't."

"Whatever you say. You're lucky that I love you."

"Victoria.." Vester's voice comes with frigid calmness. His arm around Paulo tightens instinctively.

Paulo gives Vester a chastising glance, gently touching the small of his back and turns to Victoria. "Where's my gift? Better give it now before the jealous girlfriend throws a fit."

"And you say you don't spoil him." Victoria comments, already used to the scene in front of her. She takes the gift that she placed on top of the table and walks to Paulo. It is the size of a shoebox and wrapped in matte blue paper with a white ribbon. "Congratulations!" She then looks at her brother with a pout. "Can I give him a hug? It's graduation."

Vester releases Paulo and steps away but not before playfully pinching his sister's nose to annoy her. "You can hug him for five seconds. Your timer starts now."

"Oh my God Vester, just a reminder that you're older than me!" The sibling banter is back as Victoria gives Paulo a warm embrace and Paulo hugs her back with fondness.

"Should I open this now?" Paulo asks while listening to the rustles inside the box when he shakes it.

"No! Don't open it now! You can open it on your birthday." 

"You gave me a graduation gift that I'm not allowed to see until my birthday which is half a year from now??"

"Yes, why not?!"

***

Graduation is exactly what it is, a ceremony. A rite of passage. A requirement. Something necessary. A milestone that is by right a celebration for the completed years of hard work but for someone like Paulo who is now seen by his confused parents in a different light, the sense of being trapped and observed in close scrutiny, caused him to act calculatedly. Not for himself because his case is already beyond retribution at this point but to protect the only person that accepts him for who he is. He doesn't want Vester to experience first hand rejection and he will do everything in his power to protect him. Even if that means hiding their relationship for the rest of their lives.

And for this moment, Paulo needs to do only what is necessary and treat his most beloved person just like everyone else. A task that is said to be easier after years of hiding but the contradiction despite the ceremony's empty gesture is that Paulo wants to share this day with Vester but the realms of what is necessary is still dictated by society.

Paulo thought admitting who he really is would set him free but it was quite the contrary.

_Allow children to commit mistakes and through it, they will learn the valuable lessons in life._

Paulo did not commit any mistake but he is still trying to find the value of his honesty.

The program is done and everyone's clamoring for the obligatory photoshoots and bitter sweet farewells while Vester scans through the sea of students searching for Paulo. They do not belong in the same class and it is not an exaggeration to say that it takes herculean effort to look for a single person within the throng of rowdy people wearing identical black academic gowns. That is until a familiar hand pulls him in a corner and he sees Victoria smiling at him proudly with a close-to-tears Paulo towed behind her. 

"Thanks Vicky." Vester hugs Victoria in gratitude. 

"Vester, I really don't know what's going on but anyways, here." Victoria pushes Paulo towards Vester with a mischievous grin. "Best friend delivery service, complete!"

Paulo halts a few steps away from Vester with a troubled expression but Vester embraces him lovingly.

"Hi boyfriend, congratulations." Vester whispers in Paulo's ear.

"Shut up. Vicky will hear you." Paulo retorts with a scolding but wraps his arm around Vester affectionately. "Congratulations." They were only apart for a week but it felt like months.

They stay in each other's embrace for what seems like a stand still in time. The voices and cheers from the ecstatic students may sound muted around them but they both know that's not true. This is not their own world and there is a nagging fear in Paulo's heart that his parents might see his relationship with Vester for what it truly is. 

Paulo and Vester feels a delicate arm wrap around them. "I'm really happy for you two. Congratulations." Victoria speaks softly.

Vester turns to his sister with a smile and includes her in a tight bear hug with Paulo. Each having their own unspoken prayer for life to be kind and allow happiness to be within an arms reach.

_They ask a random student to take their picture, with Victoria smiling sweetly like an angel between Vester and Paulo. A photo that will be printed a few days later, framed and hung in a wall that Victoria considers as an altar of life's happiest moments. Smiles that will forever be trapped in time._

_But life and time is eternally connected. Everything passes._

***

_First week of July_

Vester throws his phone violently against the wall. He didn't even care if it smashes into pieces because his desperation to see Paulo is slowly turning into displaced anger. Paulo refuses to see him and he can't do anything about it. He's on the verge of breaking into his house and confront him but Vester knows it will only make matters worse. 

He knows it's a very difficult time and as much as he wants to give him the space that he needs, Paulo completely shutting him out makes Vester feel helpless. It's been three months, the longest time they have not seen each other. How long more should he wait? How much time does Paulo need? The dark clouds outside resemble his chaotic thoughts like nature itself is insulting his emotional immaturity. 

Instead of driving himself insane due to unreasonable rage, he decides to try one last time, go to Paulo's house and request for permission to see him. Worst thing that could happen is he'll be denied access to go in. If it does, then back to the drawing board to decide what his next plan is. 

Vester quickly runs down the stairs with sudden determination. His parents are out for a charity ball and Victoria is supposed to be back later after classes. He didn't bother to take an umbrella with him despite the threatening thunder. In a hurry, he hardly noticed the car on their driveway that Victoria uses to go to school. Once he's out of their gate, he goes straight two blocks away, at the same time, the parched earth welcomes the first droplets of rain and Vester sees Victoria step out from the gates of the rustic mansion, Paulo walking behind her sister with an umbrella.

Jealousy is not something new, oftentimes it is the main cause of their arguments. The unavoidable blight of a relationship hidden to almost everyone and among the two of them, Vester is extremely jealous of anyone. It's not that Paulo doesn't get equally jealous, he's a brilliant con artist if he wants to and Vester at certain times is displeased at him for that. But they learn as they go along. They talk and sort things out reasonably because that is how relationships work.

But reason abandons Vester at that very moment. 

"Paulo!" Vester calls him out and the blaring thunder almost coincides with his rising anger.

Paulo looks at Vester and it doesn't immediately register in his mind that Vester is angry. He's dead tired and nothing is working in his favor. He calmly passes the umbrella to Victoria with a silent thank you. The rain drops are slowly soaking his shirt.

"Vester.." Victoria senses the misunderstanding because of her and tries to explain. "..I was just worried because--"

"Go home Victoria." 

"But--"

"I said go home!!"

Victoria looks at Paulo but the latter's expression is just all blank. She mouths a "Sorry." before leaving, the rain is now a heavy down pour.

"Care to explain why my sister is allowed to see you?!"

"Vester.. please.." Paulo is tired of consoling his parents. Tired of questioning his choices in life. And Vester is his only light at the end of the miserable tunnel. But why is this happening now?

"Why are you avoiding me?!!" Vester grips Paulo's shoulders, demanding for answers.

"Because you're the only good thing that's left!"

"We always have us Paulo! What the hell are you trying to say?! Why do you insist to go through this alone?"

"I don't want you to see how miserable I am! I don't want you to see me like this and realize that maybe all of this is not worth it!! I want you to see me when I'm finally okay and back to how I used to be. I thought you would understand.."

"You're contradicting yourself. If that's what you want, then what's the point of us?"

_Vester walks away, leaving Paulo, staring at his retreating back as the rain drowns out the never ending tears._

_Paulo loves the rain but now, he only yearns for summer. What a fateful irony._

  
Victoria is already waiting at the door step with a towel when Vester arrives. "You look like a drowned kitten." She tiptoes to dry up his brother's hair with an unreadable expression.

"I'm not in the mood for crappy jokes Vicky." Vester replies with annoyance but doesn't move to stop his sister from helping him.

"I know. You've been the grouchiest person ever these last few weeks."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Sometimes, I wish we were a different family. Maybe we could be happier if we were born different."

"That's the first time I heard you complain. Weird hearing that from you."

"I wasn't given the chance to complain. Perks of having a perfect older brother."

"I'm not. You _are_ the perfect daughter."

"But I don't want to be one."

"Go to your room Vicky. I don't want Mom and Dad to see us like this."

"Will you talk to me before I sleep?"

"I'm exhausted. Maybe tomorrow."

"Good night Vester."

_Tomorrow was an unfulfilled promise. Victoria did not wake up as scheduled to prepare for school. By the time her mother goes into her room, Victoria is already lifeless. An empty bottle of prescription drugs lies beside her. She looks peaceful, as though she's only sleeping with pleasant dreams._

***

A funeral is exactly what it is, a ceremony. A requirement. Something necessary. Not for the departed but for the loved ones left behind. The world doesn't need to know that Victoria took her own life. A harrowing truth that the rest of the family will carry to their own graves. Not for honor but for their precious girl to be remembered only with heartwarming memories. For Vester, concealing the truth behind his sister's tragedy is a conflict in his morals but he needs to do only what is necessary. A task that will never prove to be easy even after years pass. A nightmare that he can't share with anyone because the realms of what is necessary is still dictated by society. 

Paulo and his parents stay with the mourning family after everyone else has left. Words are not needed. Vester's parents have been crying throughout the ceremony but Vester remained calm. Paulo knows he's trying his best to be strong and Paulo thinks his presence may not be needed. He tried to lock his gaze with him once but Vester looked away and Paulo will always try to give what Vester wants.

Paulo looks up at the sky instead.

_The weather is bright today. The sun is shining for you, Vicky._

_I hope you're happy._

***

The first steps back to their house after they bid farewell to Victoria was the hardest step Vester ever had to take in his life. He sits on the floor outside his sister's room thinking of all the things that he could have done differently. If he listened to what she was trying to say that night, maybe things would not have turned out this way. If he was not consumed by anger because of Paulo's independence from him, maybe he could have saved her from this fate. Maybe. If. If he only paid closer attention. If only he was not blinded by unfounded jealousy. The questions are endless and maybe everything is his fault. 

"Vester.."

He didn't notice his father standing in front of him because of the tears in his eyes. He wanted to say something but he can't. He can only hear himself sobbing like a child until his father consoles him.

"Dad.." The guilt is crippling his spirit because he's at fault.

"Son, from now on, you are free to choose what you want to do with your life."

_Vester wished to hear those words for the longest time but this is not the kind of freedom that he wished for._

_***_

_September_

Paulo tirelessly waits outside Vester's house only to be turned away again and again like an unwanted guest. Countless times. The pity in Aunt Deborah's face every time she tells him that Vester does not want to see him is enough to last Paulo a life time of sympathy. But he still waits, patiently. Even if it takes him a life time of waiting, he will wait for Vester until he's ready to see him again. 

Stubborn.

That is what Josh kept on telling him. "If he wants to talk to you, he'll come and see you. Stop this stubbornness, Paulo."

Stupid.

Ken reprimands him to stop thinking about Vester and start dealing with his own problems. "Think of yourself this time, look at you. You're destroying your life."

Make a choice.

Justin has always been kind and mindful with his words. "It's not a bad thing to be selfless. But there will also come a time when you need to be selfish. You can't love someone completely if you don't value your own worth."

And so he waits. He continuously waits outside Vester's house like a stubborn, stupid, selfless idiot. The monsoon season is not really helping because the relentless rain just keeps on down pouring and Paulo's not sure if he's still crying or he ran out of tears and the heavens are already crying for him.

A zooming car stops behind him and Ken emerges with an umbrella. "Stop this nonsense Paulo! He already made a choice! Stop doing this to yourself!" Justin also steps out from the passenger seat but waits quietly on the pavement with his own umbrella, a dry jacket and towel in hand.

"He still needs to talk to me! If he made a choice just like what Josh said, then he needs to tell me!"

"You want your parents to accept you but look at you, you pathetic loser! Who wants to accept you when you can't even take care of yourself!"

"Who asked you to come here?! Leave me alone!"

"You are alone Paulo! He already left you alone, so move on!"

"Fuck you Ken!"

"No, fuck you, you idiot!"

"Babe!" Justin walks to Ken's side to calm him down. "Don't argue with him, let's try to bring him home without shouting."

"Babe, stop babying him, that idiot needs to face the harsh truth."

The white gates suddenly open and Vester comes out with a cold gaze. His hair is almost covering his eyes and he looks scruffy, with unshaved beard and hollow cheeks, a clear mirror image of misery just like Paulo.

Vester walks to Ken, unmindful of the perilous rain with a dead stare and speaks in a lifeless tone. "I'll talk to him. After this, make sure he doesn't come back here anymore."

"Are you sure about this?" Ken asks. He wants to confront Vester for everything but it's not in his place to meddle. 

"I don't have to explain anything to you." 

Vester then walks to Paulo who is still stunned, not believing his eyes that Vester is finally in front of him.

"Ves.. How.. how.. are you? Are.. you okay now?" 

"Go home."

"We can fix this, right? We still have us, right?"

"Don't come here anymore. I don't want to see you."

"Mochi, please, I'm begging you, don't do this."

"Leave. And don't ever look back Paulo."

Vester leaves Paulo under the dreadful storm. He's numb. He can't feel his heart anymore. Maybe because Paulo has it and Vester will never be able to feel love in his life ever again. His chance for happiness with Paulo has been buried six feet deep with Victoria.

Vester is not dead but he might as well be.

***

_October_

Summer is ending in New York and Paulo looks up at the sky, basking in the warm rays of the afternoon sun. The changing of seasons have never felt so visceral in his existence, not until the gentle drops of drizzle became a punishing storm and he has never been the same ever since.

But the seasons change not because it's a meaningless flaw of nature. The shifting winds gives new life and hope. Even winter has its own warmth.

Paulo may have an infinite love and hate relationship with the changing seasons but he will always hope for a better summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits
> 
> Nothing distinguishes memories from ordinary moments. Only later do they become memorable by the scars they leave --from the French film La Jetée


	7. Burning Coal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paulo is the oxygen to Vester's flame.

The security guard observes with critical gaze and Paulo doesn't blame him at all. It's only three in the morning and no one in his considerate, right mind would suspiciously stand outside a private residence where he does not stay at. He knows showing up in front of Justin's place at this ungodly hour is such an inconvenience to his friends but he stopped caring a long time ago. He took the earliest flight out of Singapore and he's not supposed to be back until later part of the day but to stay there knowing that Vester is just a single wall away is beyond his capabilities at the moment. His desperation presumably prompted the security to call the unit owner with hesitancy and after a few anxiety-ridden minutes later, he's allowed to go in.

When Paulo reaches the designated floor and he walks the corridor leading to Justin's unit, Ken is already waiting for him at the door step, hair messy from disrupted sleep with his signature passive face. Paulo may be considered unlucky in other aspects of his life but the world sure did him justice for having dependable friends as unwavering support. But he doesn't want to cry any more. He's had enough of that.

It's just Ken but Paulo felt the need to keep his composure because he's fed up with his title as the pathetic, broken-hearted friend. He never thought the day would come that he can accept that what he's been doing for the past three years of his life were indeed pathetic. Maybe it took him so long because he just kept on running instead of facing things head on. He would never say that out loud because he can already imagine Ken's triumphant smirk while telling him _"I told you so."_ and no, he may be ready to finally move on but he's not willing to have it rubbed on his face like rock salt in a gaping wound.

"Hi honey, you missed me?!" Paulo asks Ken with a vexing grin. If his forlorn attempt to sound normal seem forced, at least he tried.

"Justin said there's a lost puppy outside." Ken replies, still with a passive expression and steps aside to let Paulo in. "I told him it's not a puppy. It's an annoying cat with an attitude." He closes the door behind him and looks at Paulo with consolation.

They're standing in the living room and Paulo knows it's a loosing battle against his rebellious tears. He looks up at the ceiling, avoiding Ken's gaze and forces himself to speak with fake annoyance. "Quit looking at me like that. I'm so done with all of you."

Ken walks closer to him without a word. No witty comeback, no insulting comment. Just a quiet, sturdy presence in front of him.

The problem with tears, is that gravity is its formidable ally. No one wins over gravity and Paulo is utterly defeated. His vision blurs but this time, he knows that what lies ahead of him is not a bleak canvass anymore. 

Paulo rests his forehead on Ken's shoulder, the silent tears start to become muffled whimpers, until they turn into hysterical sobs and he feels Ken's comforting hand on his back. Not long after, Justin walks to them and envelopes him in a warm embrace. 

If Paulo lays in bed between Ken and Justin, shamefully crying his heart out, they understand. This will be the last. Paulo swears this is the last.

For one last time, he'll cry, until there's no more. 

***

Vester arrives home in a daze. He spent the four hour flight in a dream like state with his body numbly obeying whatever the bleary world asks him to do. The sounds around him are simply subdued noise. Everything inside him feels dead and if not for his physical body's instinct pushing him to survive, he would not blindly drag heavy feet to his parents' room like a child seeking refuge from a grisly nightmare. 

He pushed himself to be strong for the longest time and now, he's at his limit. 

"Vester?" 

Deborah opens the door to see her son with silent tears, completely broken. The heartbreaking sight is beyond words and Deborah pulls her weeping son in her arms. It doesn't take long for Vester's father to run and console him and in that moment, all the years of repressed sadness flooded like a turbulent river of emotions.

"Mom, Dad.. I'm so tired.. so.. so tired.." 

Vester surrenders everything. His regret, fear and hopelessness in everything that he thought was something worth enduring for. He tells his parents about the night before Victoria's death and the guilt that he could have done something but he failed. That he doesn't deserve to be happy and he caused pain to his own family. He tells them of his dread to become a failure because he's not the truthful son that they thought he was. His world is falling apart because of his own doing.

"I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry."

"No, son. We're sorry and please forgive us." Vernon answers in tears. "It was wrong for us to think that just because you seldom cry and show weakness, it means you can handle everything. I demanded so much from you until I missed out on so many things."

Deborah wipes the tears from her son and cradles his face gently. "Vester, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. We all have to move on, we failed Vicky as parents and we were so scared to do anything, we ended up neglecting you. We're so sorry."

"We always doted on her so much and when she decided to leave us, we doubted ourselves.. feared the day we will also lose you, until you built a wall and we don't know how to reach you anymore." His father continues with somberness. 

Vester feels his exhausted body slump on the floor and his parents' warm embrace made him cry even more. The past few years were the hardest but Vester feels that at long last, they have come past that hurdle and it's not a matter of bravery just like what he believed before but he needs to liberate himself from everything that burdens him. With forgiveness comes acceptance and he's prepared for whatever comes to him after this.

"There's one more thing you need to know about me.." Vester tells them with conviction. "I'm in love with Paulo. I have been in love with him since I was 16 and I was not brave enough to tell you." 

Vernon and Deborah holds their son in a tighter embrace. "We love you. Nothing will change that Vester."

The past few years felt like he's drowning but now, he can finally breathe. 

  
***

"Sir, there's a call for you." Leila peeks from the door and calls Vester's attention, currently typing away in his computer with a frown.

Vester replies, keeping his gaze fixed on the screen with stifled frustration. "If that's from engineering, tell them logistics will settle the issue with them."

"Not from engineering.." Leila informs him with discretion. Vester has always been tactful and professional, never arrogant nor rude to his staff but he always has an air of aloofness around him that has worsened within the last few months. She does not want to assume anything but her boss has never been the same since that overseas trip with he-who-is-not-supposed-to-be-named. She once mentioned Paulo Nase and Vester accidentally dropped his laptop, caused the thing to break in two. From then on, she is afraid to mention his name again. "..it's a Mr. Justin De Dios, sir."

Vester finally looks up from his computer. "Okay. I'll take it. Thanks."

"Justin.." Vester answers the call with apprehension. Usually, Justin will send him a text or call his mobile. He never calls through the office landline. "..anything wrong?"

"Yes, everything's wrong." Justin's silvery voice comes through.

"Uhh.." Vester is not sure what Justin is up to. He's worried because with his friends, it's like buying a chaotic package deal that has a no return policy. Justin leads to Ken and Ken leads to Paulo. And no matter how hard he tries, he will never be over Paulo. But he has hurt him so much, he knows a simple 'sorry, things are okay now, please take me back' will never be enough. He answers Justin with an absent minded "..'kay."

"I tell you everything's wrong and you reply with a 'kay?"

"Justin, if it's urgent, tell me now because I'm really busy at the moment."

"You're always busy. Tell me honestly, if you see my name on your caller ID will you pick up?"

There's no winning over that argument because Justin is right. He may have done unforgivable things but he's not one to lie. "Okay, I'm listening."

"You missed out on Ken's birthday. Fine. We understand. You ignored my calls for months, I still tried to understand but it's been half a year Vester and I'm getting married soon." There was a heavy pause. "Now, you tell me what's the problem."

"Have you been hanging out with Josh lately? You sound exactly just like him."

"Anyone will sound like Josh when they're upset."

"I know I've been difficult to reach lately and I'm really sor--"

"You broke up with Paulo but we're still your friends. Don't forget that."

"I won't miss your wedding, I promise."

"Have you even seen the invitation?!"

"Yes, Josh shoved it in my face last month when he saw me at the lobby."

"Good to hear that."

"Glad I made your day."

"Don't miss my wedding."

"I won't."

"Okay, see you in Hawaii."

***

Vester arrives at noon, a day before just as planned. Josh is waiting for him at the hotel lobby in his sleeveless tee and surfer shorts, clearly on vacation mood already and Vester finds it sad and amusing that if not for Ken and Justin's wedding, he will not file for a vacation leave on purpose. 

Josh approaches Vester with squinted eyes and evident non verbal threats in case he hears the wrong answer. "How long are you planning to stay here?" Josh asks with arms across his chest.

"Relax, I'll be here for a few days." Vester was originally planning to arrive on the wedding day itself and leave first thing in the morning because as pitiful as it sounds, he can handle seeing Paulo in the office. They act civil because it's easier with other people around and they managed to be professional throughout the months at work but this is the first time they'll be spending time with each other without the convenience of third parties and no matter how much Vester prepares himself, there is no way to prepare for someone as spontaneous as Paulo.

"Good. You're sharing the room with me. The love birds went to town with Justin's parents, we'll meet them later. Drop your stuff and let's go for lunch. I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry."

"Don't fault me for taking care of myself, compared to other people I know.."

"Is he.. I mean has he.."

"Who? You can't say Paulo's name without a panic attack?!"

"Stop insulting me, I'm trying my best."

Josh looks at Vester with minimal pity and extreme exasperation. "He's not here yet. You're not the only idiot who's working like a slave and I'm really questioning why I'm friends with dumbasses. You two are more stressful than my workload."

Paulo arrives in the afternoon at half past four but instead of going straight to his room and rest, he walks to the hotel beach front. The sun is still high up but the refreshing sea breeze is a warm welcome to his sore muscles after the ten hour flight. February has always been a perfect time to visit Oahu due to lesser crowds. Ken and Justin always dreamt of a beach wedding and now it's finally coming true and he's really happy for them. His friends always say he's a 'little too' dramatic in everything but the couple decided to have a wedding on Valentine's day and there's nothing cheesier than that, he laughs to himself as he walks along the wooden planks looking over the vast sea.

There's still an hour to go before sunset and Paulo contemplates if he should just wait for it before retreating to his room. He already texted Ken that he arrived and he is supposed to meet them later for dinner, giving him enough time to mentally prepare himself to meet the very last person that he wants to see in such a romantic place like this. If it took him three years to gather the courage to face Vester, Paulo sure hopes the heavens would cut him some slack for not getting over him after half a year of trying. But he's in a better place now. Work has helped him cope and divert his attention. He's here for his friends and they've been there for him during his lowest times. He's calm just like the soft waves hitting the shore line. Time heals everything. 

When Vester decided to walk along the wooden path on the south side of the hotel after his lunch with Josh, he was not expecting to see Paulo sitting along the edge of the wooden boards watching over the sea with a soft smile on his face. Vester stops mid tracks, deciding what to do. Paulo's clean cut hairstyle when he arrived six months ago is now long, almost covering his ears and every time Vester sees him at work with his hair neatly brushed up, highlighting his small face, it takes all the will power in him not to run away like a distressed maiden. But there's no running away from him now. Paulo suddenly takes a hair tie from his pocket and fixes his hair in a soft pony tail and Vester's internal struggle turns to torture. Paulo is so attractive, pretty but manly and Vester is in serious trouble.

Paulo feels the sensation of being watched and when he turns to his side, he sees Vester standing a few meters away from him with hesitation. He chuckles, not bothering to hide his amusement. Vester is obviously torn between greeting him and pretending not to see him but he's too earnest for his own good that he can't just simply walk away. To think that this man looked so distant at work made Paulo's chuckle turn into bubbly laughter.

"Did you just laugh at my dilemma, Mr. Nase?!" Vester's appalled but Paulo's genuine laughter made his heart skip a beat. It's been such a long time since Vester saw Paulo's carefree attitude and he'd do anything to see him smile like that everyday.

"You should have seen yourself standing there like a kid on his first day in school." Paulo never thought it would be this easy but if they could slowly ease back to normal friends, that would be ideal. He thinks.

"Can I sit beside you?" Vester asks, trying to hide his excitement. He missed Paulo so much and finally he has a chance to be near him. 

"Last time I checked, the beach front is a public place. You can sit anywhere you want to." Paulo replies with a lopsided smile.

"So now I'm allowed to be within _your_ spot?"

"Yeah. As long as you don't annoy me every five seconds."

"It's hard but I can do that." Vester sits beside Paulo and stares out into the sea. He will do anything that Paulo asks him to do. Vester will always try to give what Paulo wants. Nothing has changed.

"There's one more thing.." Paulo looks up at the sky, the sun is almost setting, the striking yellow rays are now turning to bright orange, a stunning contrast against the deep blue of the sea.

"Anything.."

"That.. don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"That thing.. the way you talk to me as if you'll move heaven and earth just because I asked you to. If you want us to be friends, don't do that. I might get the wrong idea."

"If you'll allow me to be a part of your life after everything that happened, I'm willing to do anything Paulo."

"Fine. Then I just have to get used to it."

"I'm sorry if I was too straightforward."

"You're not you if you're not straightforward. I just have to be Paulo who knows how to deal with a Vester like you."

"You always know how to effortlessly deal with me. Don't worry."

"Thanks for the encouragement."

"Anything for my best friend." Vester is outright lying if he claims that all he wants is Paulo's friendship. But what they have is something frail and he doesn't want to ruin his second chance. If you can call this new relationship between them a second chance. 

Paulo doesn't reply at once. The soft smile on his face turns to a distant expression and Vester somehow regrets what he said. 

"In time, Vester. I can be your best friend again."

"I want you to be happy. So do the things that you only want Paulo."

The sun slowly descents until the blue sky that reflected the sea becomes a luminescent curtain of red and orange shades. Paulo and Vester quietly watch as the day ends. Their relationship finally reaching its conclusion as they turn the pages of a new chapter in life. Hopeful that the coming years will create lasting memories, bright and colorful enough to overshadow the past. 

***

Dinner is reserved at a seafood restaurant in town, a few minutes drive away from their hotel. Ken and Justin are already seated inside when Josh, Vester and Paulo arrives. The set up was a six seater round table and the moment Paulo and Vester wordlessly sat beside each other as if it's the most normal thing in the world gains them a questioning look from Ken and Justin.

"They've been like that since I saw them earlier. Don't ask me why." Josh addresses Ken and Justin's confused expression with nonchalance.

"I'm not complaining." Justin smiles.

"I will start complaining if you don't quit staring. Can we order now?" Paulo replies with sarcasm while scanning the menu. He turns to Vester and pushes the menu in front of him. "They have lobster and pumpkin bisque. You're paying." He smiles unabashedly.

"You just want me to pay no matter what." Vester answers with disbelief but he's also smiling.

"Maybe. You regret being friends now?"

Vester turns to Paulo with a serious expression. "Never."

"Thought you'd say that." Paulo leans back on his chair and sees Ken staring at him intently. He raises an eyebrow at him.

Ken raises an eyebrow in response and asks Paulo with certain caution. "You sure about this?" 

"About Vester paying? Absolutely."

Ken continues to observe Paulo. "Don't tell me you two are fuck buddies now." He prods, keeping his scrutinizing stare on them.

"Are you serious, Ken?!" Paulo replies a few decibels higher. He knows Ken is looking after him like an over protective mother hen but that was a question that came out of left field. "You want us to be civil and now that we are, you're skeptical?" He then turns to Justin with incredulity. "Are you sure you want to marry him? You still have time to back out."

Justin responds with a devious smile. "Yes, I'm sure. I'll take my chances and I agree with my future husband, you look more like fuck buddies than best friends." The smile disappears when he looks at Vester. "Vester, don't screw this up, please."

"I won't, Justin." Vester replies with certainty. 

"Vester is not my best friend!" Paulo answers with annoyance.

"Not yet." Vester answers. Paulo rolls his eyes.

"You are angry over the best friend part, not with Ken accusing you as friends with benefits? Wow." Josh interjects in monotone.

Paulo sighs. "I hate you all. We're celebrating, right? Where's the fucking champagne?!"

***

The sunset wedding is conducted at the hotel beach front. The couple wanted everything to be simple and casual. Everyone knows it's not a celebration of material things and grand spectacles but a declaration of love. Ken and Justin wears matching white ensembles of cotton tunic shirt and chino pants. The happiness radiating from them as they stand on the make shift altar designed with purple calla lilies and white tulips facing the calm ocean was a heartfelt scene witnessed by the most important people in their lives. Ken and Justin has mutual friends from college making it convenient with the guest head count, a few of their colleagues from work, Justin's parents, Josh, Vester and Paulo as Ken's best man because the latter has long been orphaned and Paulo is the closest thing he has as family. 

Paulo is really happy because with Justin, Ken will not be alone anymore and no, he will not cry even as he stands beside Ken with the classiest aloha shirt that he can find. He has not attended a lot of beach weddings in his life but he will surely remember this as the most remarkable and with lack of a better word, special. The light hearted giggles of intimate friends wearing their beach outfits on Valentine's day might sound cliche but the couple never shied away from anything cliche. Love is an over used trope and people never get tired of romance.

Vester knows he needs to focus on the ceremony in front of him. There's nothing but over flowing joy in Ken and Justin's face and he's really happy for them but he can't keep his eyes away from Paulo. He has the fondest smile on his face, the unguarded happiness makes him more beautiful and Vester is so in love, he doesn't know what to do anymore. It will be very unfair to try and pursue him at this point and Vester thought he's content to have Paulo's friendship but there's still a selfish part of him that wants to fight and win him back.

The minister's announcement of _"You may seal your vows with a kiss."_ was Paulo's queue to look away from the couple and tune out the squeals and excited applause from the guests. There was something poignant about it and he's suddenly overwhelmed by the familiar heart ache, a creeping sadness like a long lost friend. Fate has its playful means because the first person he finds on the crowd is Vester but instead of running away like what he did in the past, Paulo smiles. A hopeful smile, telling the man that held his heart until now that "I'm okay. And you will be okay."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I now present you the newly married couple, partners in life, for the rest of their lives." The minister declares with finality. Ken and Justin faces the audience with glee. Joyful tears and screams were an understatement. Oahu will now hold a special place in Paulo's memory. The beach, the sunset, unwavering friendships. Hope.

Paulo remembers Ken's words a few years back and he once made fun of him because it sounded like one of the banners from a pride month parade. Or something that a hopeless romantic would say.

_God does not make a love that is wrong._

Paulo looks away from Vester and turns his gaze back at the happy couple. 

He was stuck looking at a single direction for too long.

Maybe it's time for him to find the right love that he deserves.

***

Vester pinches the bridge of his nose to release the tension. The meeting has already taken longer than it should and they still have not decided on a clear solution. He pushes his sleeve back to check the time and it was a fruitless action because there is no point in knowing that it's already past eight in the evening and they're still debating about the same thing from two hours ago. The issue is about a small port in Batan that is incurring them more losses over income. Half of the board wants it closed to cut costs but it would mean long service employees losing their jobs. Paulo is strongly against it and so is he but majority of votes still matter and an agitated Paulo with a disheveled tie and sleeves shabbily rolled up to his elbows are doing wonders in Vester's supposed to be level headed thinking. They're sitting beside each other and he has seen Paulo reject Josh's call for the third time. He wanted to scold himself for stealing glances at Paulo's phone but he can't help it. 

Paulo's phone prompts another call and this time, the name _Brent_ flashes on screen and Paulo excuses himself to answer the call. Since they returned from Hawaii two months ago, they stopped avoiding each other until they gradually became 'normal' friends again and Paulo has mentioned that he's seeing someone casually and Vester responded with a forced smile and gritted teeth. He needs to be happy for him because that is the right thing to do and Vester's own need to have Paulo back in his life needs to be pushed in the side lines.

Vester is getting angry for different reasons and it didn't felt real that Paulo is ready for a new relationship not until he sees first hand that Paulo is making time for someone. Vester used to have Paulo's undivided attention and he's now doing it for someone else. Vester stopped listening, the meeting completely forgotten and he just waited for Paulo to step back in the room. People might lose their jobs and he's hung up on Paulo dating a faceless bastard. He really needs to set his priorities straight. 

"I think we should call it a day." The advertising executive finally notices everyone's exhaustion. "We can come up with a better proposal for the board once we see the actual condition of the port."

By the time Paulo returns, everyone has left except Vester, still sitting back on the chair, unmoving with furrowed brows.

"If I knew that that would make them decide to pack up and leave, I should have answered my calls an hour ago. It would've saved us from that meeting from hell." Paulo comments with humor while clearing his laptop.

"Well, maybe not everyone has a date on Tuesday night Paulo, that's why they're not itching to leave like you." Vester curses mentally because what he's supposed to do against what he's showing in front of Paulo is the complete opposite. 

Paulo throws Vester a side glance and replies with restrain. "I'm blaming the long meeting for that attitude but don't snap at me. We're all tired." Paulo's not blind or naive. He knows Vester is jealous but what is the point of that now?

"You're tired but between pursuing your date over saving Batan, your priorities are obvious."

"We both know that meeting is going nowhere and you should have ended it a long time ago, Mr. Ajero." Paulo responds with an icy glare because Vester does not have a right to stir his emotions like this. They've been doing well for the past few months and Vester throwing an unreasonable jealous fit might send their unstable relationship back to square one.

"Then maybe _you_ should have formally ended it since you have somewhere else you'd rather be." Vester knows he's starting a pointless argument, he needs to stop but imagining Paulo with someone else just sends him into blind rage.

"Big words coming from someone who likes to end things on a whim!" Paulo can't stay in the room with Vester any longer. He's hyperventilating from anger and his hands are shaking, he grabs his bag but Vester was quick to run, gripping his arm to stop him from leaving. "Let me go you.. you.." He's unable to continue and he hates him so much and Paulo believed he's moved past the anger. This is not supposed to be happening. He leans on the table, half sitting on top, staring blankly at the floor while he tries to control his temper. He refuses to look at Vester who is now standing so close in front of him.

"Yes.. me.." Vester cups Paulo's face gently and it feels like they're back in college inside an old dingy music room and the rest of the world doesn't exist. "I'm sorry. Don't be mad, Mochi."

Paulo finally raises his head to look into Vester's eyes. The jealousy is gone and damn Vester's eyes for looking at him like he's the most fragile thing in the world because Paulo knows he's not delicate. He survived his personal storm and he doesn't need Vester to look at him like that. "You're supposed to keep up with my mood, not the other way around. You jerk."

"Is that the best insult you've got? You hang out with Ken too much." Vester wants to do more, wants to hold every inch of Paulo and never let go but once he does, he'll cross the line and he does not want to scare Paulo away. 

"I have to go."

Paulo tries to stand up but Vester leans closer, resting his hands on the table, trapping Paulo on both sides. 

"Don't go." 

"Is this some kind of ego trip? Because I can't understand why you're doing this."

"I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry that every time you see me, you can't help but remember all the cruel things I did."

"What are you trying to do Vester?" 

"Trying to make you stay." 

"You're too late for that."

"Am I?"

Paulo has billions of Yes for that question and it all resembles a Pandora's box that needs to be left alone. Paulo wonders why Vester decided to do this when they are finally mending the things that were once broken. "What do you want from me?"

"Consent."

"For what?"

"To kiss you. Can I kiss you?"

Paulo had to swallow the imaginary lump in his throat and if he was caught staring at Vester's lips with anticipation, Vester simply smiles. The endearing smile that has always captivated Paulo and he then thinks that Pandora's box might not be that scary after all.

"Paulo.."

"What?" 

"If you don't say no, I'll really kiss you."

"Yes." Paulo's reply almost sounded like a whisper.

But it's all that Vester needs to hear.

Vester closes the distance between them and kisses Paulo's parted lips, a gentle brush at first, testing, trying to see how much Paulo is willing to accept him and Paulo accepts Vester without inhibition.

The simple peck turns to hot, torrid kisses as the years of longing melted when their lips met with burning passion. Vester gently pulls Paulo's waist to bring their bodies closer and Paulo wraps his arms around Vester in a smothering embrace. 

Paulo feels Vester rub between his thighs and the lewd moan escapes his mouth as Vester claims his lips over and over with greed and hunger. Paulo should feel the bruising force from Vester's lust but all he feels is how complete he is and Vester can take everything and Paulo will give unconditionally.

He felt the loss when Vester moved from his lips to kiss his cheek, his jaw, his forehead, kissing every bit of Paulo's face like someone deprived of air and Paulo is all that Vester needs. Paulo whines from the absence of Vester's lips on his, not until he hitches his breath when he feels Vester gently bite the skin in his neck and suck, leaving a scarlet mark because Paulo belongs to Vester.

Paulo pulls Vester back roughly for another wet, open mouthed kiss and Paulo returns the favor by trailing along Vester's neck, leaving his own mark with satisfaction because Vester has always belonged to Paulo. 

There were so many things left unsaid but words were overcame by the intensity of what they feel. 

But they need to talk..

..talking can be done later.


	8. Blue Flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love was patiently waiting at the door step.

_"Let's get out of here.."_

Vester reluctantly breaks the kiss, tracing Paulo's jawline with his lips in ragged breaths while his hand sensuously moves up along Paulo's inner thigh. When he reaches Paulo's sensitive earlobe, he kitten licks once and he's rewarded with an aroused moan. He then whispers softly.

"Let's leave this place Pau.."

"Ves--" 

Reality dawns in when Paulo's phone rings, its persistent vibration against the solid oak table echoes loudly and Paulo realizes what he has done. It was irresponsible and he can't imagine the scandalous rumor mills that could happen if someone accidentally walked in and saw them. How can he be so weak against this man? Vester's warmth was parallel to a dream and now, Paulo's wide awake. If this was his younger self, he will say yes and run away with him without second thoughts but instead, he turns away from Vester's pleading eyes, the phone continuously ringing with Brent's name flashing on screen. This is the life that they created and Paulo knows he can't just run away. 

"I.. I have.. to go.." 

Paulo must do what he thinks is right. "Brent is waiting down stairs, I can't just.." He avoids his gaze because he's afraid that once he looks into Vester's eyes, he will falter. There is nothing left between them but friendship. That is their truth. "This.. us.. is all in the past. I'm sorry I allowed this to happen."

"We both know it's not over Paulo." The incessant ringing from Paulo's phone finally stops. Vester did not intend to grab Paulo's arm with such force but if there's a miniscule amount of hope that they can work things out again, he needs to try. 

"Why are you doing this Vester?!" Paulo squirms violently and Vester releases him. "You pushed me away so many times, I can't even count! And now that I'm.." Paulo knows he's hypocritical but he doesn't know what Vester wants and he has already made amends that Vester will never want him back. "I thought you wanted me to be happy?" 

"I want you to be happy. I meant it." Vester replies, strained. He's hurting Paulo again because of his selfishness and Vester thought he has learned from his mistakes. Paulo is just an arm's length away but the years drifted them so far apart.

"Then don't take this chance away from me!"

"Does he make you happy?"

And just like how fate likes to play with the odds, Paulo's phone rings again. It's not that he feels the urgency to answer the call but Vester's question made him feel trapped and Paulo needed his pride. Begging for someone's love will only lead to self destruction and Paulo has learned it the hard way.

"Hello.." Paulo answers, he walks towards the glass panels looking over the business district's sky line. It's still summer but the dark clouds are threatening and lightning flashes can be seen from the horizon. A storm is coming and Paulo's heart mirrors the same turmoil.

Josh's inciting voice comes through. "I saw Leila and the rest of the execs leave. What are you doing? Your boyfriend is waiting for you down here, Mr. pain-in-the-ass."

"I'm coming down." A strike of lightning appears again like an omen. Josh's sharp instincts sends shivers to Paulo's core and he knows a one way ticket to hell is already waiting for him after this.

"Tell Vester to check his phone. I think he has it on silent mode."

"What makes you think he's with me?"

"You sound tense, need some help up there?" 

"No. Bye." Paulo hangs up with regret.

Paulo prepares to leave but Vester is already in front of him when he turns around. "I really have to go. Josh said check your phone." He tries to speak calmly but his trembling hands says otherwise. He almost runs away when Vester reaches out to him and ask for permission.

"Can I?" 

Paulo realizes that Vester wants to straighten his disheveled clothes. Paulo can obviously do it by himself but he allows him with a silent nod.

Vester looks so sad and Paulo knows they're both a mess.

And so is everything else. 

"You might have to cover this up, I'm so sorry." Vester traces the skin on Paulo's neck with his thumb. The bruised love bite is bright red, too obvious to be mistaken as something else and the sadness overwhelms him because that's all he is and will ever be in Paulo's life, a mark that will slowly fade in time. 

"What happened to us Vester?" 

Vester looks like he's about to cry and Paulo wants to embrace him but he kept his hands to his side.

Paulo thought his heart could never shatter into pieces anymore than it already did but the human body is indeed a mystery. 

Vester fixes Paulo's tie and wishes things were that simple to mend. But they're not. "I'm sorry I ruined your date night. I'm sorry I ruined everything." Vester kisses Paulo's forehead, his lips staying longer than it should but he wants to hold on for a little bit more. He brushes Paulo's hair back with his fingers and Paulo lets him. "Good night Paulo."

He watches Vester leave until his retreating back disappears from sight but Paulo's not crying anymore. It's because he knows where his other half is and Paulo just needs to embrace the lingering sadness that he will never be whole. 

"Good night Vester."

Paulo replies but his answer and his resolve are for his own ears alone. Vester doesn't have to hear it and Paulo's okay with that.

***

"Stop whining when you obviously have a hickey courtesy of him! But technically, you're the _'other guy'_ now. Paulo committed adultery and Brent has the right to punch you on any given day."

  
"Why didn't you tell me the guy he's casually dating is already his boyfriend?" Vester downs his seventh shot of bourbon with contempt, he normally does not glare at someone, Paulo is the expert in that but Vester needed to glare at Josh to get his qualms across. "How long have you known?"

"Why, if you knew earlier, will there be any difference?" Josh takes a few gulps of beer and turns to Vester with frustration. "You gave him up, you idiot!" The place is not crowded because it's a weekday night and it's raining cats and dogs outside, he continues in a voice higher than usual because Vester needs to hear the reality check out loud. "You opted for his friendship, what do you expect from him?! Enter a seminary just because you're too scared to love him?"

"I'm not scared to love him, I just don't want to hurt him anymore." Vester takes another shot. He can't get drunk that easily but he wished he did. Justin told him not to screw things up and all he wants is to see Paulo happy but why is it so hard? 

"Lame excuse. Anyone who willingly enters a relationship knows getting hurt is part of it. That's why you're a dumbass."

"I just don't know what to do anymore. Every time I try to do something, it back fires."

"Vester, it's either you shut up and become happy as his friend. Or you pursue him and say fuck you to the rest. There is no in between."

"Why does it sound so simple when you say it?"

"Because I'm a living proof of that advise. I knew I never stood a chance and he values me as a good friend. I'm already happy with that." Josh finishes the contents of his mug and turns to Vester with a grave expression.

"Huh? Wait.. are you..?" 

Vester felt a bucket of ice was poured over him after Josh's sudden confession because Vester somehow knew. But he chose to ignore the signs and because Josh never said anything. They both love the same man, or rather, it is now a different kind of love on Josh's part. There is a side of Josh that Vester failed to acknowledge and he feels like he is such a useless friend. Why is he always slow on the uptake when it comes to things like this? Vicky suddenly crossed his mind and all the times she called him dense. Maybe she forgives him but Vester will never know the answer. "Now I understand why you punched me that night. I'm so sorry Josh."

"It was so hard to see him cry. You asked me to break his heart on your behalf, you fucking idiot. Took me months to recover." Josh has recovered from it. He did. But it was a heart break that he does not want to go through in his life again. Maybe he's also a dumbass just like Vester. That's why they're friends. Funny how life turns out.

"You should have at least told him." Vester has never been a victim of unrequited love, well not until now but he knows the feeling of loving someone from far.

"My nemesis is a childhood best friend and his first love. It was a lost game from the start."

"Why tell me now?"

"Because I don't want you to waste it." 

The bartender serves them the next round of drinks and Josh raises his mug with a smile.

"Thank you for your friendship Josh." Vester clinks their mugs for a toast. 

"Honestly, I'm just here to see you suffer like an absolute dumbass when Paulo gets married to someone else."

"Still, I will never get tired of saying thank you. Thank you so much. For everything."

"You're welcome. Don't cry!! People are starting to look this way!" Josh never wanted to be under any spotlight but when you have friends like Vester and Paulo, it's already a sealed fate and Josh is happy to support them under its blinding light.

***

  
The office lights are partially switched off when Paulo returns to his desk. Everyone else has gone off and only the security is left doing his routine check for the area. Paulo gives him an acknowledging nod and when the man was done with his work, Paulo sits on the floor, leaning against the table's sturdy foundation, the glass panels overlooking the sky line are blurry from the droplets of rain, like somebody's vision before shedding tears. 

He takes his phone out. Admitting to himself that finding the right love is not what he needs to do because he already found it and not every right love was designed to be fulfilled. Paulo accepts it in good faith.

The ringing stops and the person picks up.

"Hey.."

"Brent."

"Are you alright? How's the meeting? Hope you're not annoyed with all the calls but Josh said your meeting's almost done."

"I'm not annoyed. Where are you?"

"I'm still here at the lobby. Is everything okay?"

"You've always been kind. Thank you for that."

"What's wrong Paulo?"

"I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry."

"Is this about him?"

"Will you forgive me?"

Paulo holds on to his phone, even after Brent hung up without a word. He knows he has done a hateful deed but he feels relieved that he can stop chasing false hopes and that makes him more of a despicable person. But what's done is done.

He's not sure how long he's been sitting in the same position but judging from how sore his back and legs feel, how the down pour has turned into drizzle and the skies are starting to clear, a lot of time has passed. The long day is starting to take its toll when Josh calls him unexpectedly.

"Josh?"

"Of course it's me, any other Josh in your phone book?"

"Did you just call to annoy me? I'm not in the mood for that." Paulo gets up from the floor and the drizzle outside starts to become drops of rain again. He has long stopped asking the weather, why. The heavens like to cry. Period.

"Uhh.. how's your date?"

Josh is not one to say uhh and ask stupid questions, Paulo knows something's up. "Spill it. Why?"

"Can you call it a day? Brent looks like a really nice guy.."

"He is a nice guy."

"My timing sucks but I need your help. I'm just a few blocks away from the office. We need to haul something up the stair case."

"Is that a dead body?"

"There's still a pulse. So, no."

"Text me the address, I'm coming."

"It's your lucky day, Paulo Nase."

This is the second time today that Paulo hangs up on Josh with regret.

The address that Josh provided was exactly four blocks away, it only took Paulo five minutes to reach the place but his clothes were drenched because of the rain. It's an Irish pub in the corner most ground floor of a residential high rise building. There's a few flights of stairs down to enter and the gradual descent creates the illusion that it is tucked away from the rest of the bustling metropolis. Aside from its excellent location, it's just like any other Irish pubs that are scattered around the city and Paulo wonders what's so special about this place. 

Once Paulo reaches the landing, he instantly sees Josh sitting in the bar counter waving at him. He quickly walks to him with growing concern until he sees Vester behind, slouched and passed out. Vester is the most sensible drunk among them and it's totally out of his character to do this.

"Don't judge him, he's been through a lot."

"What, you're his lawyer now?!" Paulo can't control the sarcasm in his voice because he can't understand why Vester is doing these things and Josh backing him up in a way is fueling his irritation. 

"Usually, he doesn't pass out but he's an idiot, so here we are. Where's Brent?"

" _Usually._ So you two waste yourselves away like this every night?"

"That question will require an essay themed explanation and we don't have time for that. Why the hell are you soaking wet?!"

"Four blocks and you expect me to drive?! I haven't been to their house for years and now I have to send him back passed out drunk! I hate you Josh!"

"He has a unit upstairs, shut up!"

"Oh, okay. Why would he own a unit upstairs?! Is he hiding a lover or something?"

"Are you serious Paulo? Vester with someone else is unheard of, you dimwit. You didn't dream of having a bachelor pad before? Guess you're too much of a pain-in-the-ass to live alone."

"Stop judging me, I'm just asking!"

"Where's Brent?"

"None of your fucking business!"

They're already attracting attention from other customers but Paulo doesn't care and Josh has long given up on him.

"Trouble in paradise, huh. I hope you've been working out lately because this idiot looks heavy."

"I know how heavy he is, shut up!!" 

"Of course you'd know." Josh replies with a smirk.

They carry Vester out of the bar and with Paulo being the _slightly_ taller guy between him and Josh, most of Vester's dead weight is straddled on him and Josh continues to smirk with mocking satisfaction. Paulo's clothes are soaked from the rain and it doesn't take long for Vester's own to be the same. It's a good thing the lift going up to Vester's unit is just a few steps away from the pub and now Paulo understands why they decided to get smashed in this place. But that doesn't mean it's okay and Vester will get the full blunt of Paulo's wrath in the morning when he wakes up, Paulo swears on that.

Josh scans the card-key and they go straight up to the pent house. 

The door opens to the entrance hall leading to the living room. Josh moves around the house with familiarity while Paulo focuses on not to trip and drop Vester face first against the ground as they make their way to his room. 

They lay him down on bed and Paulo automatically removes Vester's shoes and socks. His clothes are soaked and Paulo quickly scans the room for the closet and grabs a pair of shirt and sweat pants. When he's about to unbutton Vester's dress shirt, he notices Josh observing him quietly with amusement. 

"What?!" Paulo asks with annoyance because he knows Josh has some inside joke on his expense. "Any plans to help me here or you just want to stand there like my supervisor?!"

"Wife duties are not in my job description." Josh replies with a sly grin. 

"Just help me prop him up, please..? He'll catch a cold if we don't remove his wet clothes.."

Josh was taken aback by the sudden change in Paulo's tone. He always knew that the two idiots will do anything for each other but it still surprises him every time Paulo turns into a softie when it comes to Vester. He used to envy that but now, he just wants Paulo to be happy with the person that he loves. He walks to his two friends shaking his head with a soft smile. "I'll help you but change your clothes first, you'll catch a cold before he does."

  
Paulo gives him a sunny smile and runs to the closet to change. 

Josh knows he did the right thing. 

***

Vester slowly opens his eyes, feeling like his throat is on fire. He remembers the pub, Josh and the pint of beer then everything went black. The disorientation is real because he knows where he is but he doesn't know how he got here and it's just another addition to the list of things he owes Josh.

He takes his time re-orienting himself, the side lamps provide a faint glow against the ceiling and the sealed curtains makes it hard to tell the time. Worst thing that could happen is it's already noon but he also trusts Josh to wake him up, using his very affectionate way with words like _'saving your sorry ass'_. So maybe he's not in dire straits yet. He slowly sits up, badly needing a drink before he dies from dehydration but he checks the side table first to see the clock.

And that's when things spiraled out of control. In a good or bad way, Vester's hang over can't tell yet. Paulo is sleeping soundly but uncomfortably, leaning on the recliner chair beside Vester's bed. The amber lights casting shadows on his boyish face and long lashes, with sinful pouted lips and Vester doesn't know if this is heaven or the devil is here to torture him.

The side clock shows it's only 5 am and Vester knows Paulo cannot sleep in that position until morning. He's a heavy sleeper and moving him from the chair to the bed is by all means a simple task but the consequences that entails it are Vester's concern and he's already done serious harm. He moves closer until he can feel Paulo's warm steady breath against his face and Vester succumbs to his weakness. 

Vester carries Paulo bridal style and lays him on bed. As expected, Paulo didn't even stir. The king sized bed is wide enough for the two of them but Vester's conflicting sides aren't helping. He knows it's wrong to desire over someone unconscious but this is Paulo. And Paulo is in his bed, wearing his clothes, his pretty head on his pillow but Vester also knows Paulo has reasons for staying with him and that doesn't mean Paulo chose him over everything else. Vester is not allowed to think of conceited thoughts. He leaves the room, softly closing the door behind him. There's no other way but to stay away.

  
Paulo wakes up before his alarm, abruptly getting up because he doesn't remember sleeping in Vester's bed last night when he forced himself to stop staring at Vester's sleeping form and do something that he will undoubtedly regret in the morning. He looks around but doesn't see any signs of him. He curses Josh for scaring him last night with _"some people don't wake up for days from getting drunk so you better make sure he wakes up"_ and due to his lack of experience with drunken stupor, he believed like an idiot and he clearly does not have selfish intentions when he decided to stay but why in heaven's name is he so damn scared to step out of the room and face Vester? What happened to the wrath that he swore to exact against him? Paulo knows he's being stupid and he needs to get up eventually. 

The scent of food causes Paulo's stomach to make an unappealing sound and he remembers that he skipped dinner and he was not able to orient himself with the unit's lay out last night but his nose directs him to the smell of coffee at the left side of the hall and he sees Vester nervously smiling at him, sitting on a high stool in the island counter with bags of breakfast delivery.

"Quit with that face, it's so damn early for that." Paulo covers his nerves with fake annoyance. It's an assuring thought that at least he is not the only one who's on edge. His eyes wander around the unit curiously. It is an open concept design, the high ceilings makes it look more spacious and the dining area is replaced with stationary high stools in the kitchen's island counter. Everything is simple and functional. Straightforward like its owner. Vester's view of the city sky line from the living room is the same view from Paulo's office. He knows his concerns are absurd and childish but he continues with irate questioning. "You said you hate confined spaces. Why then? Did you buy this place for convenient random one night stands?"

Vester rests his elbow on top of the counter, trying to hide the budding grin with his hand, he replies light heartedly. "Josh stayed here for a couple of days when he had his place renovated but aside from that, no one stays or sleeps here but me, that makes you my first one night stand."

Paulo sits on the chair beside Vester. "Well if you call that a one night stand, your performance sucks, sir." He banters with him trying to keep his poker face.

"Then I'll try my best next time." Vester places a cup of coffee in front of Paulo, not bothering to hide his grin anymore.

"It's not a one night stand if there's a next time." The coffee smells heavenly but Paulo turns to Vester with a glare. Things always come so easy between them and at the same time, fall apart with ease with a single pin drop. It's hard to keep up but equally difficult to let go.

"Maybe I don't want to have a casual one night stand. Maybe I want something that lasts longer." Vester answers with honesty because from now on, as long as Paulo will allow him, he will try to fix the things that he can and he will stop pretending that all he wants is his friendship. He owes that to himself and Paulo deserves truthfulness.

"And you're expecting me to agree with that just because you had breakfast delivered?"

"It's poached egg and scones.. and that coffee's double shot espresso." 

"Try to do something about what I have to wear later for work, maybe I'll consider.."

"You're such a baby, you're lucky that I love you." 

Paulo doesn't reply. Call him jaded but he has learned to value himself more. Words are precious and sincere but circumstances are not always kind.

Vester did not intend to say it so casually. He knows how much it means and how many times they've hurt each other because of it. But Love and Paulo has always been a single existence for Vester and that truth will never change no matter how many years pass by.

***

The best time to visit the country's northernmost windiest, eternally storm stricken province is during summer season. That is what most experienced travelers say and weather forecasts should be taken seriously. Paulo fought for everybody's well being to pursue this business trip before the monsoon season starts and he thought he evaded the curse but maybe the rain held a grudge against him when he stopped his love affair with it.

It is not supposed to rain in May. 

Their 7 am Basco bound flight was scheduled to leave an hour ago but because mother nature has other plans, he's stuck in the airport lounge with Vester, Leila, Margie and Harold, the marketing executive and officer, waiting anxiously for further announcements if their flight will be resumed. Signs of an upsetting head ache and his father's positive but stress inducing words to do his best and save the port's impending doom just adds up to Paulo's sour morning mood. He is sitting quietly away from everyone else on a two seater couch with an unwelcoming frown when Vester wordlessly occupies the space beside him and Paulo glowers at him with threat.

"Have you taken meds?" Vester asks, completely unbothered from the death stare directed at him.

"For what?!" Paulo knows he's cranky but if there's someone who can handle him well when he's in this mood, the only person capable is Vester.

"Medicine to drive the grumpy Paulo away. Does Brent know you become a monster when you're sick?"

"No, we broke up after.. after.. shit.." There goes Paulo's filter and he blames it on peer pressure.

"Come here, stop glaring at me, it will only make your head ache worse." 

Vester pulls Paulo, prompting him to lie on his lap, a thick folded jacket is already prepared to be Paulo's improvised pillow but he refuses to lie down and leans away from Vester with a pout. 

"I don't want to! May I remind you that this is an airport and there are people around us!"

"So you're saying this is something that should only be done in private when no one's looking? It's a head ache intervention Paulo, not a blow job."

Paulo was left speechless until Vester is already guiding him like a marionette to lay on his lap. He follows, still stupefied because how can he simply ignore the fact that he's lying on Vester's lap but the immoral words can't leave his dirty thoughts. Paulo just admitted that he broke up with Brent because of him but Vester's acting like it's not a big deal. The pounding head ache reminds him of his priorities and he unmindfully grabs his hair with sudden force to alleviate the pain.

Vester soothes him with calming strokes on his back, while his other hand massages Paulo's head with gentleness. "Don't pull your hair out, you'll turn bald when you hit your thirties.." He jokes, speaking softly because he knows excessive noise worsens Paulo's head ache. He continues with gentle coaxing until Paulo releases the tight grip he has on his hair. "Close your eyes, don't think of the noise around you, just relax.." 

Paulo calms down. Vester's warmth is not a dream and he knows he's wide awake because the crushing head ache is still there but the pain is bearable because Vester's pleasantly warm hands never left him and maybe Paulo thinks, it's not so bad to rely on him once more.

***

The flight was delayed for another hour but they finally arrive in Batanes after lunch. The unfriendly winds seized its tantrum and the skies are clear when their transport picks them up from the airport. The place is a far outcry from the chaotic city and Paulo had to remind himself that he's here for work and not for pleasure.

Vester never left his side throughout the flight and Paulo is feeling much better now. He stopped caring hours ago about Leila and the others' curious looks when they saw how Vester painstakingly attended to his whims like a devoted boyfriend. Their colleagues have never seen Vester act this way towards anyone and Paulo gains a sudden epiphany that his devil-may-care attitude stemmed from the confidence that the world can burn down to ashes as long he has Vester. And that is such a lonely thought for someone like him who believed in his own strength as an individual. What an absurd contradiction.

His reflections were halted when they stop in front of a two-storey brick house. Their purpose is to settle the port's dismal state and they chose to stay in a seaside guest house within the area. They'll be here for a few days and Paulo knows it will be stressful and tedious, the head ache is announcing its presence once again.

"Are you okay?" 

Vester gives him a gentle nudge on the shoulder to call his attention and Paulo gives him a re-assuring smile.

"Yeah. I'm okay."

_"Because you're here."_

_***_

Three days ago when Paulo described their work in Batan port as tedious, he was not expecting to be proven wrong. The longer they stayed, the more problems arise but they believe that keeping the port would be beneficial. It's not just a matter of business standpoint but the people who struggle day by day to survive the unforgiving weather of this remote island is worth the effort and Paulo fell in love with the place the moment he stepped out from the car the day they arrived.

The series of daily brain storming caused his head to produce a crazy notion that this is not just any project but _his and Vester's_ love child and Paulo will do everything in his power to save this place even if he becomes broke trying. Yes, he is sleep deprived and borderline delirious, he's been typing in his computer like a maniac and it's already five in the morning and their flight back to the city is just three hours from now. He hears soft knocks in his door and wonders if he's already imagining things.

Paulo opens the door to see Vester with a tired smile and he looks like he's also not faring well from the stress.

"Hi, why are you still up?" Vester asks, leaning against Paulo's doorway.

"Back at you, panda eyes. Can't sleep?" Paulo replies with a lopsided smile, he walks to him and massages Vester's temples, the same gentle way how Vester does it when Paulo's tired.

The mutual habit of reaching out for each other developed when they were teens and it's an intimate gesture that has slowly returned since they started to shed the inhibitions and just do what they want. That doesn't mean there aren't any questions materializing in the back burner, they just decided to cut the words and show what they feel. They're not just best friends or ex lovers anymore. What they have right now is still considered a grey area and maybe it's another ticking time bomb but they trust each other to face the consequences together and that's their silent compromise.

"Had an hour or two until I gave up trying to sleep. Can we go somewhere?" Vester leans his head against Paulo's hand and Paulo cups his face tenderly.

There's a soft smile on Vester's face as he basks on the warmth of Paulo's hand against his cheek and the subtle kiss he plants on Paulo's palm does not go unnoticed but Paulo doesn't back away from the intimacy.

"Where are you planning to go at this ungodly hour?" 

Vester holds Paulo's hand, entwining their fingers together and replies. "The old man who lives across the street that plays the guitar every morning said there's a view deck ten minutes drive away."

"You always believe every old man's word as long as they play the guitar?" Paulo asks jokingly.

"He was playing your favorite piece." Vester walks closer until their faces are just a few centimeters away. _"Take my hand.. take my whole life too.."_

Vester sings Can't Help Falling in Love with perfect pitch and his eyes are twinkling and Paulo is tempted to sing with him but Paulo holds back with a smile.

"We stay along the coast line and you still want to drive ten minutes away to see more of the ocean? Becoming adventurous aren't we?"

"We haven't seen Batanes' sunrise together, so let's go and see it from the view deck before we leave."

"May I remind you dear sir, that not every view deck faces the east. That sunrise could come up from the opposite way."

"Then we'll chase it."

"What if it doesn't want to be chased?"

***

The view deck was accurately ten minutes away and the sky is still dark when they arrived. The stars appear like glittering fairy lights in the city but there's something about the ever shifting clouds in Batanes that when it clears, the stars are shining like reflective diamonds. The soft waves hitting the shore can be heard from below and the wind is unusually calm. They lean against the deck's bannister looking over the horizon, their shoulders brushing against each other in comfortable affection.

"You asked me, what if the sun doesn't want to be chased.."

"You finally have an answer after thirty minutes or so."

"I already have an answer for that, I just don't want you to run away again."

"What do you mean?"

"You _are_ my sunrise Paulo. I'll never get tired of chasing you."

They look at each other, with eyes full of hope that this new leaf blooms into something timeless because they nurtured this love together. The world can be harsh and circumstances can be unfair, life has beaten them up but love was always there and maybe, what they have is the right love but it needs to be tested in order to survive the odds.

"I love you so much. Please give me another chance, Paulo."


	9. Crystalline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actions are loud but words are evenly piercing.

_"It's not that simple!"_

_"_ _I know!"_

_"Then why? This is not some game where you can just quit when it's not in your favor! Don't do this Paulo."_

_"I will never, ever think about quitting on you Vester."_

_"Aren't you scared?"_

_"I'm scared of losing you."_

_"I could lose you because of this and I don't want that!"_

_"You won't."_

_"You always make impulsive decisions, I can't keep up with you."_

_"I don't need second thoughts when it comes to you."_

_"This risk is too much. I don't even know where to start.."_

_"Vester, you can start by giving this love a chance."_

Paulo knows life is too short to live with regrets and once he's made up his mind about something, he will never give up. Vester on the other hand, is the constant voice of reason. Calm, calculated and chooses logic over emotions. The differences initially piqued each other's interest, it then turned into fondness and the more they realized how polar opposites they are, the attraction was inevitable.

One's recklessness found its match in the other's steadfast nature. Paulo is the only risk Vester is willing to take and Vester is the gravity that pulls Paulo back to earth. They were not just simply drawn to each other. They fell. And they keep on falling. More likely into a deep abyss but the earth's core was not a cold, barren place. It was warm and bright.

_When you're young, it's terrifying when a person becomes as big as the world you live in._

_Likewise, loving someone is as big as the world when you're sixteen._

_They were young and deeply in love.. they gave their love a chance._

And now they're twenty four..

_"..give me another chance.."_

Paulo wants to say yes. To submit to the sweet freefall once again and trust in Vester's determined eyes. Vester has changed and Paulo can see that. It's all up to him now and he's not the type to have second thoughts. That's how sure he is of himself and he knows he still loves Vester with his entire being. But growing up and getting hurt taught him that love has conditions and the very same love that he held on for so long has also changed him as a person.

  
Batanes holds the title for having the most unpredictable weather in the country and today is another proof of its reputation. The calm morning winds that breeze along the shore was short lived and the waves are gradually turning into raging currents. The sudden change is distinctly felt from their vantage point on the view deck's ledge like a sinister warning. 

There are still unanswered questions and Paulo knows if they want to move forward, they need to exhume the metaphoric caskets and face the haunting ghosts. 

They need to talk.

  
"What happened Vester? I need to know the reason why we had to endure and spend those years apart just to be where we are today."

"It's not my story to tell but you are right, you deserve to know and I was wrong to think that I was protecting the people I love by not saying anything. I realize that now."

"I'm ready to listen as long as you're ready to tell me."

Vester shares the truth that has long been waiting for the right time to be told. It was not like an overflowing cascade of stories but a half filled glass slowly getting full. 

"My Dad explained to everyone that it was a medical condition. It wasn't. Vicky took her own life that night. She must have been suffering a lot, we failed to see it and I could have done something but I was too obsessed with you that I ignored everything else around me. I blamed myself and I thought someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy."

"Do you still feel responsible?"

"I need to forgive myself. That's the only way. So, yes and no."

"That night, she came to ask me if we were fighting because she noticed that I was avoiding you. She asked if I was planning to study my masters abroad and even begged me not to leave you alone. I was so confused back then. But now I understand. I could be assuming things Vester but if there's one thing I'm sure, it's that Vicky loves you so much, I know that she will never hate you or even wish for your unhappiness."

"I should have talked to you sooner about her. Do you think she knew about us?"

"Vicky's a smart girl. I bet she does. I really miss her."

"I miss her too."

"But I'm glad you stayed strong and moved past the guilt. I can see that you are different now. A good kind of different."

"I'm sorry for breaking up with you when you needed me the most."

"I was so angry and confused. But everything makes sense now. I'm just wondering, would things be easier if I just stayed away?"

"I can't imagine a world without you Paulo."

Vester found his answers and it's now Paulo's turn.

  
They're turning twenty five.. they still love each other..  
but they both changed..   
and it was inevitable.

  
"It's a lot to take in but thank you Vester."

  
"What happens to us now?"

"I still love you, so much.. but.. I realized a lot of things and I'm not done figuring them out. I lost myself when we broke up and I don't want that to happen again. I want to be more than just a person madly in love with you. I want to be more than just a son who has a responsibility to fulfill and I know it sounds crazy pretentious but I need to do this for myself."

"I said this before.. do the things that you only want Paulo.." Vester never thought he could be selfless enough to accept Paulo's decision wholeheartedly. But he will do anything as long as the light in Paulo's eyes never fade and he will support him in any way he can. Even if it means losing the Paulo that he loved and still loves up to this day. Vester will continue to love him. Because Love and Paulo will always be the same. 

"But don't get me wrong.. I still want you in my life.. if.. if that's.. okay with you.."

"I'll be here. I'll be whatever you want me to be."

"I just want you to be you, Vester."

"Then I'll be Vester."

  
_"I'll always be your Vester."_

The rain starts to fall in a heavy down pour. As if heavens itself has released its burden unto earth. And maybe, the weather's dramatic flair doesn't seem so bad. 

Paulo loves the rain after all.

***

Paulo rarely goes to the supermarket on purpose but he knows places like this are not supposed to be chaotic. The fruits section is filled with children running around unsupervised while their parents sort out their grocery lists and it's a miracle nothing's been toppled by the mayhem. He tries to make his way to the strawberries, thinking why there are still so many kids outside when it's already past their bedtime. 

"You don't have to frown so much. Your looks alone can scare them all away." Ken walks pass Paulo to scan through the fruits, carefully picking the ones that Justin likes.

Paulo stares down at the strawberries, he picks five packs and dumps it in Ken's shopping cart. "I wanted to hang out, not follow you around in this maze. Who does their groceries with their kids this late?!"

"People who have day jobs, without babysitters, drivers or helpers to assist them. People who live normal average lives. We don't need a lot of strawberries!! Stop dumping random things in my trolley!" Ken realizes that he's the tired parent and Paulo is the restless brat. 

"I do my own groceries in Queens, don't be so discriminating." Paulo magically procures five cartons of full cream milk from a shelve and drops it in the trolley.

"Cereals and bread don't count, don't be so high and mighty about it. Why would I need five cartons of milk??" Ken returns three in the shelve and once he turns his back on Paulo, the latter is already walking away, looking for more items to buy. "Check the expiry before you buy anything! Where are you going??"

Paulo ignores Ken and walks ahead looking for the frozen section aisle. "Ice cream.. we need vanilla." 

"I'm doing my groceries, not your dessert take out Paulo!"

"You forced me to come here, not my fault."

"And Vester tolerates your extra annoying ass everyday?"

Paulo looks back at Ken with seriousness. "He's my.. he's Vester, we always get along." He turns away, takes three tubs of vanilla ice cream from the freezer and adds it in the trolley.

  
"I still can't believe you turned him down. And he's okay with that?" Ken removes two tubs and returns it in the freezer, Paulo glares at him. "Aren't you taking advantage of his.. hmmm, what's the word.. friendship? Nah, rephrase that, aren't you taking advantage of him?"

"You're taking advantage of _me!_ I'm supposed to be chilling at your place but you dragged me here to do married people's groceries." Paulo finds two bags of cherries and adds it in Ken's increasing pile of provisions.

  
Ken rolls his eyes. "So, what are you two? Free thinking wanna-be hipsters who hates labels? That sounds stupid Paulo. You just got over the taboo topic about his sister and this thing you're doing now can potentially blow up in your face."

"You've never been this vocal when you're against something."

"You've never been this half-assed about something. What's holding you back?"

"I know you're concerned but we're okay."

"Don't make me say I told you so again."

"I'm sure you'd like that." Paulo maintains eye contact with Ken while adding his next loot in their trolley with a loud plop.

Ken's eyes widen, shocked that Paulo's antics can still trigger him. "Why would I need cans of whipped cream, you jerk?! And did you just drop them on top of the fruits?! I'm never bringing you to the grocery again!" Ken is not just a tired parent, he's a tired, frustrated parent. He's ready to sign Paulo up for adoption.

"Vester's picking me up after he's done with errands. Where am I supposed to look for sugar in this place?"

***

Vester arrives at past ten in the evening and Ken opens the door for him. The newlyweds now officially live together in Justin's place and with all of Ken's stuff mixed in with the unit's interior, there's nothing else to describe it but a welcoming home. There are bags of potato chips, a few cans of beer on the center table and the smell of microwaved popcorn hangs in the air. Paulo has already settled himself in the living room watching an animated movie. Vester wasn't expecting an impromptu movie night but he's not complaining.

Ken returns to his usual place in the love seat and Vester walks to the wide L-shaped couch, giving Paulo a forehead kiss before sitting down beside him. Ken observes them with skepticism but doesn't say a word.

Yet.

"Where's Justin?" Vester asks, an arm draped around Paulo's shoulders because it is now the most normal thing in the world but he doesn't miss the 'not subtle' eyebrow raise from Ken that shows whatever explanation Paulo gave about their relationship, Ken's not convinced. Vester needs to win over his prodigal son if he wants to make this work.

"He's working night shift." Ken takes a bag of salted chips from the table. He turns to Vester with his passive but slightly unsettling stare. "It's Paulo's job to keep me company, you got dragged along. Didn't your not-boyfriend-not-bestfriend tell you?"

"Ken--" Paulo chides in but Ken is obviously unfazed.

"But don't worry Vester, I'm on your side this time. Feel free to knock our doors at 3 am if you're feeling frustrated." Ken offers, unsmiling.

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." Vester replies, slightly confused.

Paulo throws an empty can of beer at Ken's lap. "I was planning to be nice but since you decided to switch teams, I'll just build my own free country." Paulo announces with sarcasm and stands up, walking over to the fridge. "Then next time I'll hang out with Josh instead."

"Not Josh!!" Vester suddenly blurts out in panic. He receives weirded out stares from the two. 

Ken returns his attention to the movie playing. "Paulo, you can't have your own country, you'll burn it in five seconds." He continues to munch on the potato chips. "And Vester, you need to chill."

"Then watch me." Paulo answers, his back facing them while he takes a pitcher out from the fridge. "This place is a mess. You expect Justin to clean all of this? Where are the tall glasses?!"

"It's called marriage. And I expect you to clean that because you made that mess. Cupboard above the coffee maker."

"It's called a fucking head ache." Paulo finds the glasses and carefully fills one up. He's applying the whipped cream on top when he feels Vester behind, his hand rests on Paulo's hips, trying to see what he's doing. Paulo turns around, leaning against the kitchen counter while topping the drink with a piece of cherry. He passes the glass to Vester with a soft smile. "Here, try this." 

Vester takes the glass from Paulo with an excited smile. "You made strawberry milk shake?"

Paulo answers, slightly embarrassed. "It's my first try, so don't get your hopes up."

"You made this for me, I already have my hopes up."

They did not notice Ken walk towards them. He's leaning on the fridge, looking unimpressed with everything. "It's milk shake, product of a mindless blender. You two need to seriously chill.."

***

"It's already late but, where do you want to go?" Vester presses the remote key to unlock his Porsche. Before opening the car door, he looks over at Paulo who is standing at the passenger side, absorbed in his own thoughts. It's past midnight and the basement parking has no one else except them. He asks playfully. "You don't have go home, we can spend the night together."

"Yeah." Paulo replies absentmindedly, still standing outside the car with a thoughtful look. One hand on the door handle in suspension.

"Or.. you can stay with me forever."

"Sure."

"But let's get married first."

"Okay."

"I love you so much Paulo."

"I love you t--" Paulo regains self awareness when he realizes that Vester is already standing in front of him with a mischievous smile. "..what? What were you saying?"

"I said, where do you want to go?"

"Am I taking advantage of you? Tell me the truth."

Vester gently pinches Paulo's cheek. "So that's what it is." If only Paulo could see how much everything is not bothering Vester at all. But maybe Paulo needs to hear it and Vester needs to say things clearly if he wants Paulo to understand. It was wrong for him to assume that just because they grew up together, they know what's running on each other's mind every single time. He did not realize sooner that the domesticity of their relationship also caused misunderstandings and from now on Vester will try to set things right. "You are not taking advantage of me. You have the right to feel whatever you want to feel, but please remember that I'm here because I want to."

"Are you sure?"

"Our friends might think that because you're a brat, I indulge you in everything. You _are_ a brat, stop glaring at me. But what they don't know is that you spoil me. A lot. And when you asked me in Batanes if I'm okay to stay with you while you figure things out, it was the first time in our relationship that you asked something for yourself. This, whatever this is, I'm happy. I'm with you not just because you asked me to but I want to see where this journey will take you. Where this journey will take us. We both want this and I want to grow and learn with you. Paulo, I want to be with you. Do I still look unsure?"

"No, you look perfect." Paulo feels overwhelmed because Vester is not one to say lengthy speeches. And all he can think of is to drown himself in Vester's arms and cherish every moment. He wraps his arms around Vester's waist, snuggling close to him, enrapturing his senses with everything that is Vester.

Vester hugs Paulo, one hand around his back while the other cradles Paulo's head with extreme gentleness, showering him with feather light kisses. It doesn't matter if they're in a shady car park or under the freezing rain because Vester will always want Paulo under any given circumstance but he's willing to wait no matter how long it takes until Paulo is ready again.

  
***

The morning sun shines brightly as Paulo walks along the stone pathway that crosses through well trimmed bermuda grass. The vast landscape surrounded by acapulco, hibiscus and juniper trees makes the place appear more like a garden rather than a cemetery and probably, that is the noble intention behind it. 

Aside from the workers who tend to the plants and the resident birds chirping on top of the trees, there's no one else. He finds what he's looking for and sits cross legged beside the stone marker. 

"Hi Vicky, it took this long for me to visit."

Paulo lays the sunflowers on her grave stone.

"I just remembered recently.." Paulo removes his backpack and takes a box out, the matte blue paper is now faded, the white ribbon is flat and crumpled. "..you told me to open this on my birthday but things got complicated.." He pulls the ribbon slowly. "..took me almost four years but yeah, you know what happened. I'm not blaming you. I just wish I was able to do something for you. I'm really sorry." Paulo never imagined how devastating it is to apologize to a grave stone. He thinks of Vester and how much he has suffered. And Paulo doesn't want him to suffer like that again. 

Paulo tears the wrapper and inside is a plain white box. He uncovers it and finds an envelope on top, whatever object hidden underneath has been securely sealed with bubble wrap. 

"So, I guess you want me to start with this.."

The short letter was written in Victoria's neat hand writing.

> _Paulo,_
> 
> _Happy Birthday. Don't be sad! Use this to capture all the special moments since I won't be able to._
> 
> _Take care of Vester._
> 
> _I love you! Please think of happy thoughts when you think of me._

It's unnerving but Paulo realizes that whatever happened that night, Victoria would have still done what she has done. He removes the bubble wrap around the gift and it reveals an original Polaroid Spectra. He's not a camera expert but he knows this model has long been discontinued. There are no films inside and he sighs, puzzled. 

"What are you up to, Victoria?"

***

When Paulo decided to reveal the truth about himself to his family, he was not beaten up, screamed at or disowned in a sense but the silent rejection was much more impactful because his parents' figurative dismissing hand denies him of the acknowledgement that he needs. But he has long embraced the fact that it's his parents' way of coping. Love has conditions, parental love is not an exception and that is the cold, hard truth. Still, Paulo will take whatever love he can get. 

If he really wants to be selfish, he can easily move out of their ancestral home and stay in his own place, living his own life but Paulo swore to himself that he can be more than just a disappointing son who walked away from his family. Because he is more than that and he will never get tired of proving it.

But weekend family gatherings are the bane of his existence and while his father tirelessly discusses business affairs with his two uncles, all he wants is to get away from all the work related gibberish. Never do business with family. That will be Paulo's lifelong unaccomplished creed. He slowly takes his phone out to call for help when it suddenly rings, startling him and causing everyone to look at him with curiosity.

"Kids these days.." The oldest among the siblings, Ralph Nase sighs. "..they just can't sit still for a family dinner. The generation gap makes them want to look for people their own age to converse about things they consider more meaningful."

"Let him be." The second son, Royce comments. "Is that your girlfriend Paulo?"

Paulo turns to his mother and sees the panicked look on her face, clearly saying that if he plans to reply, his answer should not involve anything about his sexuality. It's just his pure luck that he belongs to an old fashioned family. There's nothing he can do about that. "Not my girlfriend Uncle Royce but I really need to take this." He looks at his father. "Can I?"

"Go ahead, son."

"Thank you, excuse me." Paulo exits the dining hall through the sliding french doors and out to the patio. He sits on the pool side to answer the call, relieved to have a breath of fresh air.

"Hi."

"How's dinner?"

"You called just in time. Perfect, actually. I was planning to fake a heart attack if you didn't call and saved me from my relatives."

"Not funny.."

"Not trying to be."

"Pretending to be hurt just to escape is not cool. You'll give me a real heart attack."

"Just stressed out, I'm sorry."

"Forgiven. Paulo, I miss you.... Mochi...."

"You told me to go home and spend time with my family! Stop that!"

"I know. Can you leave the house?"

"I'm not sure--"

"I'm outside."

That's all Paulo needed to hear and he runs as fast as he could, with his heart pounding in excitement like he's a teenager all over again, rushing to Vester without a care in the world. The distance from the drive way to the front yard seemed farther than it was and by the time he reached the main gates, he's out of breath. Their long time, trustworthy security looks at him with confusion.

"Can I.. go.. out?"

"You can do whatever you want Sir Paulo." 

The words were liberating to a certain extent. Not everything in their house is stuck in time. "How long have you been working here Mr. Carlos?"

"Twelve years, sir."

"Still remember those times when I'm not allowed to go outside after 8?"

"Yes."

"I'm out for a date."

"Uh, okay sir. Take care."

Vester is waiting outside the gate when Paulo steps out. Arms across his chest, sitting on the hood of his car wearing casual clothes. A white chambray shirt, khaki chino pants and suede loafers. His hair was brushed down, the tips of his fringes slightly covering his eyes. Vester didn't bother to hide his teasing smile when he saw Paulo do a once-over on him. 

Paulo stands in front of Vester as he stares down at his own faded college shirt and loose sweat pants, slightly annoyed because he already expected it, but Vester looks so damn good and if only Paulo's heart could talk and scream, there's only one name it would call repeatedly. When he was in New York trying to recover from his heart break, people would console him that first love leaves an important mark in one's life but true love will overcome it. He grasped those words like his own redemption only to realize that Vester is the one. The only one. 

What if he fails to become more than what he aspires to be? What kind of happiness and fulfillment is he trying to achieve? Will he live on asking these questions until he's old? Will Vester stay with him until that time?

> _"Paulo, I want to be with you."_

"What's going on inside that head of yours?"

Paulo was cut off from his existential thoughts. He feels Vester's hands, interlacing their fingers together and the warmth never fails to make him feel that there is no other place he wants to be but with Vester. 

_"Why am I hesitating?"_

"You do know there's a closed circuit cam in front of us." Paulo tries to shake his doubts away. Tries. Because he knows that if his parents find it difficult to acknowledge everything about him, they are certainly not prepared to know that he's in love with Vester, of all people. Vester deserves more than this. It's relentlessly ironic how their perspectives have changed.

Vester clasps Paulo's hand tighter. He just smiles and gives a non committing shrug. "Are you scared Paulo?"

"No."

_"Vester, you're not scared anymore?"_

Vester's smile becomes wider. Paulo's heart skips a beat.  
  


"Can we go somewhere?"

"Wearing my awesome pyjama party ensemble?! Sure."

"You can wear a sack of potatoes, I'll still find you adorable. Have I told you how much that pony tail of yours drives me crazy? The first time you tied your hair up was in Hawaii and I never got over it." Vester stands up to tuck the loose strands of hair behind Paulo's ear.

"You're flirting with me in front of my parents' house.. getting bolder aren't we, Mr. Ajero?"

"You told me to be Vester, so I'm just being me. What do you want Paulo?"

"I said I'm going out on a date.."

"Then I have to pay due respects to them before we leave, that's how it goes, am I right?"

_"Stop hesitating."_

"Vester, does this mean you're ready to..."

Paulo can see the edge of the free fall once more. 


	10. Red String

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is always one road that leads home.

"Yes. I'm ready and I'm willing to face anything for you Paulo."

"You'll wait for me?"

"No matter how long it takes."

"What if I decide to leave and don't come back?"

"Then I'll still love you the way I know how."

Paulo turns his back on Vester, not with a heavy heart but with fierce determination. Because he knows their love is not a blind leap of faith, not a series of unfortunate timings or a risk against all odds. 

It's love, nothing complicated. And it belongs to them.

***

Paulo rushes back to his family with unyielding resolve and tenacity. He looks into his father's eyes with sincere respect and courage. "Pa, please lend me the money to buy the entire stockholdings of Batan Port."

"What plans do you have in mind that can convince me to agree with your proposal Paulo?"

"Because I'm a Nase. You raised me well and I will not let you down."

***

"Sir.. We are about to land, window shades--"

"Up!" Paulo replies with a smile while he presses the button. "I also have my seatbelts on. Thank you for the company, Miss Gwen."

"You're welcome Sir Paulo, excited to come home?"

"Yeah. Very excited."

"How long were you gone?"

"A year."

"I'm sure a lot of people missed you."

"I hope so...."

Paulo looks through the windows, overlooking the city below and this time, he's seeing the outline in a different light and he can't keep the silly smile from his face. It took a while but he's finally back. 

After buying the entire share of the port, it was admittedly not easy but Paulo worked hard to find new partners and investors who will agree to his business proposal. It lead him back to New York to seek friends and colleagues until he managed to find a start up company that trusts in his goals and visions. It took months before they operated without financial losses but Paulo did not waver and their hard work paid off. He is now part owner and he was able to return the loaned money from his father. 

The last twelve months of his life was spent in New York, with regular trips to Basco. It was tiring but Batanes holds a special place in Paulo's heart. What he achieved in that remote province is trivial compared to the legacy his family has created but Paulo knows it's not about the magnitude of his accomplishments.

From that time on, his relationship with his parents have slowly returned to how it used to be and Paulo realized that he has been rejecting his roots, the unwanted privileged life, just like how his parents refused to acknowledge what he truly is. And it took them a long time, but family will always be family. The first time his father said _"I'm proud of who you are Paulo."_ caused him to break down in tears and even though it was just a phone call, he knows they have at last crossed that unforgiving bridge. 

Paulo's been away for a year but not a single day passed that he doesn't think of Vester. The seasons changed and storms drifted but Paulo knows it doesn't matter how far or how long he's gone. They will always belong to each other.

  
***

"Sir Paulo, you have a meeting with your father at 6 pm, do you have plans before that? Or you want to go home and rest first?"

"Now that is deja vu Miss Rona." Paulo comments with amusement, looking at the blurred after images of the metropolis against the car's tinted windows. "My mother said she's preparing lunch so, I'd like to go home first. Thank you."

***

Paulo walks the familiar entry way once again and the receptionist greets him with a pleasant smile. 

"Good evening Sir Paulo, welcome back."

"Good evening Miss Audrey. I have a meeting...." 

"Paulo!" Josh walks to them with a lazy smile. "You finally found the courtesy to inform your friends that you're coming home. Good to see you again Mr. pain-in-the-ass."

"Good to see you Josh." 

Paulo hugs Josh tight and things aren't exactly deja vu in a sense like what he previously thought. This is how things are supposed to be and this time, circumstances are already kind.

***

  
Paulo lays his head on the desk with a heavy sigh, resting his cheek against the pile of financial reports that he needs to review, not an ideal way to rest but he needs a short break to regain focus and ignore his jet lag. The wall clock shows it's already 7 pm. He's temporarily taking over his father's place in the company while his parents' are spending their well deserved vacation in Sicily. The mountainous work that was left for him to do has kept him holed up inside the office the whole time. 

  
It's only been two days since he came back from New York. Josh broke the news to him tauntingly that Vester is in Houston for a business trip but Paulo just shrugs off the information. They have waited for each other in much more heart-rending circumstances. Distance is insignificant.

  
There's a soft knock on the door, Rona peeks in to call his attention. "Sir Paulo, Sir Vester's here. Can I let him in?"

Paulo lifts his head up and answers quickly. "Yeah, thank you." 

Vester steps in with that endearing smile and Paulo knows everything has been worth it.

Definitely worth it.

"Hi there." Vester walks over to Paulo in calm strides. He leans down to pat Paulo's head and gives him a forehead kiss. "Josh called me, said you're back. Why can't you simply spare me a call Mr. Nase?" 

"Because I know you'll rush back to see me. And I don't want to distract you from work."

Vester leans in, his hands holding on to both arm rests of Paulo's swivel chair. "You're never a distraction." He replies with a stern expression.

"Then what am I?" Paulo asks teasingly.

"My most favorite thing in the world." He's looking at Paulo's beautiful face and Vester can't stop himself from leaning closer and kiss Paulo's tempting plump lips. A very brief smack, chaste and sweet. 

Paulo gives Vester a crooked smile. "I don't remember giving you permission Mr. Ajero." 

Paulo pulls Vester back for another kiss, grabbing on to his nape sensuously, with Paulo's slender fingers combing through Vester's hair in erotic patterns. They french kiss, deep and thorough. An intimate locking of lips between two people who knows what the other needs. Full of languorous affection without any need to rush. It's just the two of them and the intoxicating feeling of drowning in each other. 

Paulo pulls away from the kiss with a playful smirk and Vester kisses the tip of Paulo's nose with a soft smile.

"I missed you.... so much.." Vester softly brushes his nose along Paulo's jawline.

"Mochi, I'm hungry...." Paulo replies with a pout.

Vester can't help but chuckle. Paulo can literally ask him for anything and Vester will provide it to make him happy. "What do you want Paulo?" He holds Paulo's hand and pulls him up the chair. They are now standing face to face and nothing has changed.

"Double shot espresso."

"What else?"

"Scones."

"And?"

"Mangoes."

"Anything else?"

"You."

"I'm always yours."

It took them a long time, a lot of hardships, doubts and tears.

"Vester.."

"Hmm?"

Paulo finally has an answer.

"Yes."

  
***

Vester's penthouse is comparatively small to the home where he was raised but the sight of Paulo sleeping comfortably in the living room couch with a contented smile on his face is more than enough for Vester to call any place home as long as Paulo's there with him. 

"Sleep in the bed, get up Mochi...." Vester kisses Paulo's cheek to stir him but Vester knows it will take more than that to wake him up. He hovers on top of him and trails wet sloppy kisses from Paulo's neck all the way down to his clavicle, gently nipping on the delicate skin until he sees the faint red marks of his own doing above Paulo's chest. Vester huskily whispers on Paulo's ear with a mischievous smile. "On second thought, you can wake up later when I'm done with you." 

Paulo snorts and playfully grabs Vester's hair, brushing the fringes away from his face and Paulo kisses Vester's lips tenderly. His tongue languidly re-exploring Vester's lips in a slow luxurious pace. They have all the time in the world. "Or.. you can sleep later when _I'm_ done with you." Paulo replies seductively, his lustful gaze locked on Vester's deep enthralling eyes.

They held each other's hand as they move to the bed room. And once the doors behind them close, the rest of the world becomes hushed noise because they're in their own world and nothing can break them apart anymore. Every sigh, every kiss, every brush of their sweat ridden skin is a testament to all that they've been through. Every height of orgasm they reach, they call each other's name in fervent passion till their voices are hoarse from pleasure. They made love until sunrise. With tangled limbs and warm embraces, two separate souls are now whole.

***

Vester is the first to wake up before the alarm, the warmth of Paulo's naked body is snuggled close to him. It's a bit childish to pinch himself to check if everything was just a dream but he needs to confirm it.

The embodiment of his happiness is living and breathing steadily beside him. 

Paulo stirs and he slowly opens his eyes to see Vester smiling at him fondly. "Ves, I'm real! Stop pinching my ass, you handsome, creepy man. Do you know how sore I feel right now?" 

"You returned the favor five times over Pau, I can't even move." Paulo giggles and Vester pinches his butt cheek again.

"I'm happy, extremely happy. I just want you to know."

"Me too. I love you so much."

"I love you too."

"I miss your long hair, why did you cut it?"

"I see it and I always think of you, it was so distracting."

"So I'm a distraction."

"No, you're my favorite thing next to coffee." Paulo replies with humor.

"No coffee for you then. I hope you don't mind another breakfast delivery.."

"If we're planning to go beyond a one night stand, we need to learn how to cook." 

Vester plants a kiss on Paulo's forehead. "If we're planning to go beyond a one night stand, you should introduce me to your parents."

"Mochi, you should buy me a house first, I don't like the view from here."

"There's my brat.. I was wondering where he went."

"Right here." Paulo rests his head on Vester's chest with a contented sigh. "I'm right here where I'm supposed to be."

"Welcome home Paulo."

  
First love, true love, right love. There are different kinds of love and people live through life not experiencing at least one and there are also individuals who went through all its forms and shapes. But for Paulo and Vester, one person means everything. One person can mean the world.

  
Life's inescapable circumstances separated and changed them.

But life's inevitability helped them find their way back to each other.

They're now turning twenty six and their love has always been the same since they were sixteen.


	11. Epicenter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are each other's home.

The melodic tune of the alarm prompts Vester to slowly open his eyes, it's not an annoying sound to reckon but he doesn't remember setting one last night when he went to sleep. Paulo's side of the bed is already empty but he still grazes his hand over the unruly sheets hoping to feel warmth but it's obvious that his boyfriend has been up for quite some time. He's a little bit disappointed that he woke up alone but he knows where Paulo is and what he's up to - again, for the third time this week if the scent of pancakes are to be considered.

Vester leaves the room wearing Paulo's sweat pants, not bothering to look for a shirt since his own clothes from last night are nowhere to be found. He goes straight to the kitchen and sees Paulo standing in front of the induction range wearing _Vester's_ shirt and boxers, too absorbed in reading the instructions behind the box of an instant pancake mix. Vester may look bigger in body proportion but Paulo is lean and well built. Boyfriend shirts aren't exactly Vester's kink but you can't really fault him for gawking like a pervert. 

Paulo is still wondering what went wrong on the first two tries and he's still not satisfied with his latest result. He's already tempted to call Ken and ask for help because burnt pancakes are hitting his ego so hard. He's still deep in thought when familiar arms snake around his waist and across his chest. Vester gives him a wet kiss on the side of his neck and Paulo instinctively moves to give Vester more space to work with his lips. Peppered kisses at first until he feels the gentle grazing of teeth. Paulo mouths a soft gasp when Vester starts to leave another mark on his pale skin, the arms around him start to cling more possessively when the coffee pot beeps in perfect timing.

"I hate that thing." Vester sighs, still holding on to Paulo in a grabby embrace. One of his hand makes its way under Paulo's shirt, lazily spreading his palm across Paulo's taut abdomen. "Let's donate it and buy a new one."

Paulo turns around to kiss Vester's cheek and he releases himself from Vester's koala grip with a chuckle. He takes two mugs from the cupboard and pours the coffee into it. "Mochi, I need to go home." He informs Vester with a tight lipped smile.

"But--"

"I still belong to a very old fashioned family Vester, they accept us but that doesn't mean my mother is okay with me staying at your place for weeks. We're together but we're not married." Paulo walks to Vester and gives him a peck on the lips.

"Then let's get mar--"

Paulo kisses Vester. Sensual but affectionate and Vester hungrily kisses him back. Paulo pulls away when he feels Vester grab and squeeze his ass playfully. He continues his explanation sternly. "Don't start thinking of proposals and shit. We're not getting married just because society requires it."

Vester knows Paulo needs to do things in his own terms and Vester has no qualms with that. But that doesn't mean he can't try to compromise. "Mochi.... can't you stay for a little bit longer?"

Paulo knows its only a matter of seconds before Vester uses the puppy dog eyes on him and Paulo knows he will certainly give in. "Fine. Until Sunday, okay? After that I really need to go home."

"Yes!" Vester pumps his fist in the air with a childish grin. "In that case, time to be productive!" He hoists Paulo on his shoulders, carrying him back to the bedroom in a rush.

"Vester! My coffee!" Paulo complains but he doesn't resist. He has long accepted that Vester is and will always be his weakness. And he's happy with that.

  
***

Two hours later, they sit in a French cafe for breakfast, the memory of the lonely pancake now forgotten and Paulo's sulking a bit. It's a slow Saturday morning and the place is not crowded. They're in a two seater table in the corner and he's just watching Vester demolish the meal he ordered. "Pancakes are not that complicated." He comments with a pout. 

"Don't worry, we have a life time to perfect it." Vester smiles and reaches out to softly pinch Paulo's cheek. 

"I tried it once when I just moved in Queens but I almost set the kitchen on fire. Ken won't shut up about it for three months."

"Your apartment in Center Boulevard is not ideal for kitchen hazards like you, the place is too small." Vester remarks nonchalantly and takes a sip from his cup of tea.

Paulo is in shock but he replies calmly. "But the view is awesome.." Vester apparently has not caught up. "..especially in the afternoon."

"True, but it's far from school and the nearest restaurants are on 51st, quite far and you only survive on instant meals. It's not surprising you lost weight on your first year Paulo."

Paulo stares at Vester intently. "Vester, I never mentioned anything to you about New York.. only now.." 

Vester finally realizes what he said. Better to own up than lie. He's not going to screw things up just because he's embarrassed. "I just wanted to see for myself that you're okay. Does that sound weird?"

"How many times in that three years did you stalk me?!" Paulo asks, still in disbelief.

Paulo loves him anyway, Vester confesses. "The first two years, I can't count. But the third year, I swear, just once because I really wanted to give up. Are you mad?" He did not intend to sound like a kid caught in the act of mischief but the shock in Paulo's face worries him. "Don't be mad. Mochi...." He reaches out to hold Paulo's hand.

"You're a dork." Paulo smiles. A bright sunny smile. 

"But you still love me." It doesn't matter where they are anymore, because Vester will never let go of Paulo's hand. Never again.

"Vester.." Paulo wants to wake up seeing Vester's face every morning for the rest of his life. To hell with society and its norms. 

"Hmm?"

_"I don't need second thoughts when it comes to you."_

"Let's get married."

"Yes."

  
***

Paulo paces nervously outside his father's home office. He's not accustomed to being scared because he always believed that you need to do things without regret and the last time he felt this frightened to stand outside the dark wooden doors waiting for either a verdict or a punishment was when he was caught sneaking out during exam week to go to Vester's house and that did not transpire well.

"Paulo, sit down and stop pacing." 

"Ma.. It's been.." Paulo skittishly checks his watch. "..it's been an hour now, what could he possibly say to Vester that can take this long?!" He speaks in hushed tones.

"That boy is not just Vester anymore. You want to marry him, of course your father will talk to him."

"But why am I not in there with him?! Please.. help me with this."

"Reuben already knows what's on your mind, he doesn't need to ask you. But he needs to know what's on Vester's mind if he's planning to take our only son away from this house."

"Ma, Vester needs me there."

"You really love him, don't you? I always wondered why I don't see you get smitten or doe eyed over someone. I didn't realize you've been hiding it for so long. But now that I see it, I'm really happy for you." Helen embraces her son. "But.." She withdraws from the embrace and her strict demeanor returns. "..your boyfriend needs to do this on his own. Is that clear John Paulo?"

***

Vester comes out from Reuben Nase's office after three hours. He has never seen the normally jovial man become so strict and intimidating but Vester knows what it's worth and he's over the moon now that he received his blessing. He walks along the courtyard passage way that leads to Paulo's room. It's familiar but surreal and he has walked this corridor a lot of times in the past. A lot of things happened since then, that is what makes it remarkable. They started as friends, hanging out in each other's room, spending lazy afternoons together, until they became a couple, secretly making love like wanton fugitives as if there's no tomorrow. And it was just the two of them, in their own world. But now, they have blessings from their parents and Vester still can't believe how happy and lucky he is.

Paulo is strumming tunes from his guitar in pensive thoughts when Vester walks in. When he sees Vester smiling, he quickly runs and embraces him with a sigh of relief. "You're alive. That was needlessly scary, damn it."

Vester hugs Paulo back, closing the door behind them softly. He whispers in Paulo's ear. "Hold on tight, future husband."

Paulo understood at once when strong arms grab his thighs and carries him to bed. He's laid on his back with ease, with Vester on top of him. "That sounds so weird, quit it."

Vester nuzzles close to Paulo, breathing in his scent, a rousing mix of aftershave and vanilla. Vester reminds himself that he needs to behave, Paulo's parents could come knocking any minute. "Paulo, Uncle Reuben said not until we get married, I have to bring you back every weekends...." He buries his face in the crook of Paulo's neck. "I'll stay in my parent's house tonight.... sneak in later, please. I can't sleep without you beside me."

"What kind of arrangement is that?! Am I some kid in boarding school?" Paulo chuckles. He's been laughing too much lately and maybe this is life's way of making it even. Who would've thought that love can cling to you adorably like a baby? Paulo thanks fate for giving them another chance.

"Mochi...."

"You have to promise you'll wake me up before sunrise, okay?"

"Don't leave me, sunrise...." Vester whines dramatically and Paulo affectionately pushes him away.

"Wait, you need to see this." Paulo gets up from bed and opens one of his drawers to retrieve the camera given to him by Victoria. He passes it to Vester. "Vicky was clearly up to something. I made a few calls to Cambridge to ask for this model but it's already discontinued. They don't produce films for that anymore. Does she want me to buy the whole company and revive it?!!"

Realization registers in Vester's face and he laughs. The maddening kind of boisterous cackle as if Paulo just mentioned an outrageous plan. If Vester's not holding the camera right now, he's sure Paulo has already thrown something at him in irritation. "I was wondering where this went." He carefully sets the camera down at the side table and walks to Paulo with a grin. "You seriously thought of buying Polaroid?! Really??" Vester can't help but laugh again. "Spoken like a true businessman." Paulo glares at him. "Where's your romantic side Mr. Nase?"

Paulo finally catches on. "Shit, you have all the films don't you?" Vester smiles. 

"We will never know why she did it Paulo, but I'm sure she's looking after us like how she always did."

The films were kept in one room of the mansion, massive boxes that completely fill the entire space and it will take them a life time to use it all up. And maybe that is the purpose behind it. A life time of memories. There are no more tears or somberness. Victoria wants to be remembered with happy thoughts and that is what Vester and Paulo will do until their own time is up.

***

"So.." Ken sits back on his favorite love seat with an unreadable expression. "..getting married."

"Excuse me, when you told me you're getting married at 23, I did not make that kind of face!" To be honest, he was expecting that reaction from Ken but Paulo has no reasons to prolong the inevitable. 

"Are you sure about this Paulo?"

"Ken, you've seen me make stupid, impulsive decisions in life.. but this.. it just feels right. I really love him you know."

"Everyone knows that Paulo! But you are family, I love you and I want what's best for you."

"I know and I'm sure about this."

Ken clicks his tongue. "Dang! I owe my husband a trip to Paris now." He opens a new can of beer with a smile and raises it to Paulo. "Congratulations, loser."

"What the hell.. you were betting on us?!"

"Cheers!"

***

Paulo quickly takes a photo of Vester's face, mouth slightly agape from sleep. The shutter sound does not wake him up but when Paulo ejects the film, he slowly opens his eyes. Paulo pretends to take a photo of the city below but Vester already knows what he's been up to. 

Vester gently pokes a finger at Paulo's side to tickle him and Paulo flinches. "Stop taking photos of my face." He chides, voice still husky from sleep.

"I like snap shots of things that make me happy. You're on top of the list, so suck it up." Paulo leans across the armrests to kiss Vester's cheek with a slight smacking sound and it causes Leila, sitting on the same row with them at business class to turn to them with a curious look. Paulo chuckles and waves at her with a grin. He whispers to Vester. "She's really thinking of weird theories about us, should I just end her suffering and share what's the real deal?" He asks impishly.

"We both know you're enjoying her confusion way too much and I don't think you're planning to tell her anything even after we get married." Vester replies while adjusting his seatbelt and inclined seat. 

The pilot announces their descent and Paulo also adjusts his seat for their arrival. "Why would you say mean things to your fiancé?!" Paulo tries to hide his amused smile, recalling how disgruntled he was whenever Ken rubs that word on him in the past. 

"You're mean, you know that." Vester responds to him with a smirk. He reaches out and opens his palm upwards. "We're landing, hold my hand." 

Paulo clasps Vester's hand firmly, looking out the window as they descent. "If that Darren Chen invites you to hang out again, you'll really see how mean I am Vester Ajero."

Vester veers sideways, using his free hand to gently grab Paulo's nape and pulls him for a quick but ardent kiss. When they break from the kiss, he smiles, caressing Paulo's wet lower lip with his thumb. "I love you so much Paulo Nase."

The announcement resumes and Paulo is absolutely certain this time that Leila saw them.

_[..the weather in Taipei is rainy and the temperature is eighteen degrees celsius. We wish you a pleasant stay and we hope to see you again very soon. On behalf of all our crew, thank you for choosing our company as your airline today.]_

But Paulo doesn't care. He replies to Vester, cheeks on fire with a fond smile. "Love you too."

***

Half of their five day trip to Taiwan is work related and the two remaining days are for unwinding. Paulo is already expecting a lazy morning for their off day but Vester forces him to wake up even before the sun is up. He turns over face down, trying to hide himself under the sheets again with a sleepy whine when Vester bites his butt cheek playfully. 

"Wake up, sunrise. We have a long day ahead." Vester whispers, sprawling himself on top of Paulo who is still struggling to open his eyes fully.

Vester smells of strawberry bath bomb and pine. He smells so good and Paulo still feels sleepy but he knows what his urgent priorities are. He turns up, wraps his legs around Vester's torso and with a swift maneuvering, he switches their position. Trapping Vester underneath him with a lazy smile. "Why are we up this early?" Paulo purposely grinds their lower bodies - hard and dirty and Vester moans lewdly.

"Pau.." Vester mouths in raspy breaths. 

"Yes? What does my beautiful Vester want? Tell me, I'll give you anything."

Vester knows they need to leave soon, if not, they'll just stay in the hotel room the whole day having sex and he's not exactly opposed to that but they only have two days of vacation and Vester has activities planned for them. "Paulo, such a tease.. fuck.."

Paulo chuckles. "You or me?"

"I don't care, do it now or I'll make you regret it."

"With pleasure, sir." Paulo replies with a smirk.

***

They leave the hotel an hour later, it's still dark outside but Vester hurriedly drags Paulo by the arm after they were dropped of by the chauffeur at the temple which marks the starting trail of the hike up to Mount Muzhi Shan. It is the highest point within Taipei and Vester wants them to reach the peak before sunrise. Paulo is in an exceptionally good mood and lets Vester pull him in quick strides. 

"Vester, wait!" Paulo shakes himself out of Vester's hold, he removes his backpack and takes the camera, focusing on the temple behind them. "One landmark before we reach the top." He takes one snap and ejects the film carefully.

"That camera doesn't do well in low lighting." 

"I could accidentally capture something out of this world.." Paulo replies with humor. "..like orbs or ghosts. This temple is quite old. What do you think?" He continues, looking at Vester with clear mischief in his eyes. 

Vester looks back at the temple behind them with a weary gaze. He knows Paulo is teasing him again and he doesn't want to fall for that but it is still dark, the temperature is chilly and he doesn't want to see the Polaroid in Paulo's hand. "Paulo, that doesn't hold any scientific evidence. We've discussed about that for years." He tries to reply calmly. "Keep that thing now. We still have a two hour hike ahead of us."

"You don't want to see it?" Paulo waves the photo with a devilish grin.

Vester pouts. "You love me, right? Stop scaring me.... not funny."

Paulo quickly keeps the camera and the photo in his bag. He walks to Vester with a similar pout. "Sorry. I love you." He gives Vester a chaste kiss on the lips.

"Forgiven." Vester smiles. "Hold my hand until we reach the top."

Paulo replies with a sunny smile.

They held each other's hand until sunrise. 

They kissed on top of the mountain overlooking the whole city.

They faced a new day together.

They made new memories.

And they have a life time of memories to look forward to.

***

"Where's your boyfriend?" Josh asks Vester while they wait for their lunch to be served. 

The diner is full because of lunch rush and as much as possible, Vester stays away from crowded places like this but when Paulo told him they can't have lunch together due to an extended meeting, he just dumbly said yes to everything that Josh suggested. "Meeting." He replies with a frown.

"Vester, you work in the same company, you see each other everyday. Paulo is a grown man who can take care of himself but you insist to be his personal butler wherever he goes. It's just one lunch without him. One! Stop moping!" Josh is really happy that the two dumbasses are finally back together but maybe he has developed an allergy to lovey dovey couples. "You'll see him after work! Ken is right, you two seriously need to chill."

" _You_ need to chill." 

"And you already sound like him! Uughh." Josh replies with an eye roll.

"He's going to his parents' house after the meeting to settle something and I don't think Aunt Helen will let him leave after that."

Josh will not miss an opportunity to annoy Vester. "You mean Paulo's going home."

"He goes home to _me_ , okay?"

"Awww, you poor lonely baby." Josh comments in monotone.

Vester's phone rings and he ignores Josh blatantly to answer the call. "Mochi.... where are you?" He can see Josh's exaggerated eye roll from his peripheral. 

"Hi, I'm still here at the conference room. Can I borrow your car later? I'm kind of rushing and I don't want to wait for Lloyd to pick me up, it will take him forever to reach here, please? The key is on top of the study table, right?"

"I can drive you there, just wait for me." 

"You have a meeting with logistics later. Don't mess up your schedule. Leila will come after me."

"She won't. She adores you. Too much sometimes."

"Quit it. _You're_ adorable. I'll see you after the weekend.... okay..?"

" 'kay."

"Mochi.."

"I'll miss you...."

"Me too. I'll call you when I reach home."

"I'm your home...."

"I can see the pout all the way here. You are so clingy. God, I miss you already."

"I can't wait for us to get married."

"Same. I love you Vester."

"I love you."

"See you soon."

***

Vester waits till evening for Paulo's call but there was none. He calls him repeatedly but he's unable to get through. The nagging fear has been consuming him for hours until he receives a call before midnight.

"Aunt.. Helen.." He cannot hide the anxiety from his voice.

"Vester, I need to tell you something but you have to promise to stay calm."

"Is he--"

"He's okay. Calm down. Can you do that for me?"

"Yes."

"I asked Lloyd to pick you up, just wait there patiently and stay calm, is that clear Vester?"

"Yes, I'll wait. Where is he?"

"Hospital."


	12. Fault Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who falls in love wishes for a happy ending.

Paulo returns to conscious thoughts with a sensation like he's been thrown to the depths of the ocean then back to ground surface. There are aches in parts of his body that he never thought could hurt and the excruciating pain in his head reminds him that he is still alive. His last memory was how much he's enjoying the ridiculous gears in Vester's sports car while driving along the curved roads when his vision blurs for a short period. He dismisses it as fatigue but suddenly everything went black. 

He opens his eyes to white ceilings of an unfamiliar room, he definitely crashed when he lost consciousness and this unknown place is a hospital, with the scent of antiseptic, nonstop beeping of a monitor, heightened by the torturous headache, it all just makes him want to curl sideways in a ball, craving for comfort and warmth.

Warmth. The warmth in his hand is real. Familiar. Home.

"Paulo.."

Vester's soothing voice pierces through Paulo's muddled state. It seemed like it was such a long time since he last heard that voice and he can't help but smile. He turns to him happily despite the pain "Hi. I missed you." he squeezes Vester's hand tightly. "Definitely not heaven."

"No. If it is, you're the first angel to have a bruised face." Vester replies with a wistful smile. "How do you feel?"

Paulo tries to do a quick check on his body but his head ache is much more problematic than the rest of him. "Just tired." An audacious white lie but after seeing Vester's swollen eyes and exhausted face, Paulo does not want him to worry anymore. "How long was I unconscious?"

"We need to inform them first that you're awake." Vester presses the call button and within a few minutes, the medical staff arrives with Paulo's parents following behind. He knows he's a nuisance for refusing to leave his side while the doctors do a thorough check but as long as Paulo does not let his hand go, Vester will keep his ground. 

  
It was terrifying that Paulo lost consciousness while driving and it caused him to swerve and hit a tree. The airbags saved him from fatal injuries. He was rushed to the hospital immediately. Aside from a bruised cheek and expected body aches due to the collision, he is extremely lucky.

"Guess we're even with the car now Mochi." Paulo remarks light heartedly.

"Not funny." Vester replies with a frown.

"Sorry. I love you."

"Vester.." Helen hugs her future son in law after the doctors have left. "..please rest."

"I'm okay Auntie."

"You haven't left Paulo's side since yesterday. You also need to take care of yourself."

Paulo turns to his mother with concern. "Since yesterday?"

Vester's eyes darken and he grits his teeth. "You were unconscious for 24 hours Paulo."

_"The longest twenty four hours of my life."_

It's not anyone's fault and Vester doesn't blame Victoria for giving him trauma over death and regrets but the thought of losing Paulo is unbearable. And he almost lost him. 

Reuben who is sitting on the cushioned seats, observing them in the corner of the room stands up and speaks.

"Son, Vester will only listen to you and both of you need to rest." 

It was not a request and Paulo knows his father is right. He turns to Vester, pleading. "I'll be okay. Get some sleep." He traces the dark rings under Vester's eyes. "When you wake up, I'll still be here."

Vester is aware of his own limitations and he knows his body is just running on pure adrenaline. Paulo will not leave him when he closes his eyes. He needs to be reasonable. "I'll sleep on the couch over there but I'm not leaving." He kisses Paulo's hand. "I love you."

"Love you too."

It's not that they have completely forgotten about Paulo's parents who are still in the room but life altering moments reminds everyone that life is fragile.

Reuben and Helen will always consider their son as the most fragile thing they've held in their life and they are relieved to know that someone loves their son as much as they do. Maybe more. 

***

"Mochi, stop hovering! I can do this by myself!" Paulo just stepped out from a quick shower and he grabs the towel away. He dries his damp body with Vester staring at him attentively -- too attentive and Paulo exactly knows why. "If you wanted to take a shower with me, you could've said so...." He drops the towel on the hamper and drapes his arms around Vester, not bothering to cover his nakedness. He does not miss it when Vester swallows hard and clenches his jaw. He whispers in his ear. "You like what you see?"

"Very much." Vester replies, not moving. He doesn't trust his self restraint when Paulo's teasing him like this. "You win this one Paulo, get dressed." He tries to focus on Paulo's face but his seductive expression is equally distracting.

Paulo knows the accident scared all of his loved ones and he's not happy with himself about that. He was discharged after two days and the doctor requires him to rest for a week before returning to work. He will firmly comply if it will appease all of them but Vester has been tirelessly attending to him and Paulo just wants him to slow down and rest. "I changed my mind, maybe you should help me get dressed. My hands are a bit.. occupied." Paulo slowly slides his hands along Vester's chest, down to the rippling abdominal muscles, stopping at the waistband of his denim jeans.

"Don't distract me from the real issue here, you need to rest." Vester tries to visualize the word self restraint in his mind. Paulo luring him in like this is already driving him insane.

"So now.. I'm a distraction??" Paulo pouts but his hands continue to roam Vester's body until he reaches the back pocket of his jeans, he lazily tucks his hands inside, pulling their bodies closer. "But I don't care." He kisses the corner of Vester's lips. "Do you really want me to get dressed?"

"What do you want Paulo?" Self restraint is gradually fading in Vester's vocabulary.

"You're all about rest but I want to play...." Paulo carefully unzips Vester's pants with a smirk. "My parents are leaving for a fund raiser event, we can play all night."

Vester does not recognize the word self restraint anymore. "I'll play with you." 

Vester presses their lips together, hot breaths mingling, tongues meeting halfway, fierce and ravenous. They claim each other repeatedly in lustful bliss. The fear of death has horrifyingly staked out its claws - almost. But as long as their hearts beat, nothing will ever separate them.

***

Vester wakes up in cold sweat, the images felt real when Paulo's figure slowly fades from his vision and just like some psychedelic film, he kept on running after him but he's gone. He screams but Paulo can't hear him anymore. He knows he's dreaming but he can't move till Paulo's crystal clear voice saves him from the nightmare.

"Mochi, it's okay. It's okay, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Paulo holds Vester's face between his shaky palms. They were both trembling because this fear is something foreign to them. Vester was having a bad dream, it's the first time Paulo has seen him this way and he doesn't know what to do. "Vester, I'm here." Vester has a distant look on his face and Paulo guides him to look in his eyes. "Come back to me, please."

"Paulo...." Vester didn't realize that he was crying until he felt Paulo wipe his tears with shaking hands. "Mochi, it felt real. It was so scary." He buries his face in Paulo's chest and continues sobbing like a child. "Don't leave me alone.. please.. I can't live without you.."

Paulo embraces Vester tightly and he's also crying. It breaks his heart to see Vester like this knowing that he already once lost someone very dear to him and Paulo does not want him to suffer again but he can't commit empty promises. "I'm here. I love you so much. So, so much."

The curtains are slightly parted and the moonlight casts a silver glow inside Paulo's room. They stayed in each other's embrace until the height of their emotion wanes. In movies, love is immortal, undying. But this is reality. They can look forward but no one knows what the future holds. That accident changed something in them. And it's terrifying. 

Vester wipes off his tears and there are no words to describe what he feels. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"We're getting married. I'm willing to share every nasty piece and all the fluffy unicorns with you. I am sharing _everything_ and vice versa. Don't you dare forget that Vester Ajero."

"I love you so much Paulo Nase."

"I love you too. Just remember that life will always throw shitty apples at us but I love you. Always. No matter what the circumstances are, I love you."

Vester smiles. It's true that there are things beyond their control and his life lesson from everything that he has been through is acceptance. Accept that things are inevitable. Accept his own weakness and accept that whatever happens in the future, he needs to trust in Paulo's love for him. "Can we go somewhere?"

"Sneak out at this ungodly hour? Of course." Paulo replies with a smile. "I can drive."

Vester kisses Paulo's cheek and gets up from bed to gather his scattered clothes on the floor. "Let's go, sunrise."

***

Paulo slowly squints his eyes to read the power point slides projected in front of them. He wasn't expecting a Problem-Solving meeting on his first day back to work but it's better than having his parents and Vester nag at him to take it easy every five seconds. He's not that far from the screen but he finds it difficult to read the words from where he's sitting. He can feel the signs of a troublesome head ache coming. Vester sitting beside him notices his struggle despite Paulo's efforts not to make it obvious. Not surprising, it's Vester. He's marrying this man for a million reasons and the sudden thought made him smile and he did not notice Vester's hand reach out behind his neck. He massages Paulo, from his nape then skillfully going down to his shoulder blades without looking away from the current discussion. Paulo did not want to close his eyes but Vester's hand was damned _skilled_ and he relaxes in his touch.

Maggie, sitting opposite them clears her throat. It doesn't take long for everyone to notice the handsy situation with their bosses as they all throw subtle glances. Vester realizes the sudden silence even from Harold who is supposed to be speaking in front but he doesn't stop indulging Paulo and nonchalantly remarks a tactful "I don't see any issues with the workflow. Go on, continue." with a straight face. 

Does Paulo have any regrets? No. If he slowly inches his seat closer to Vester to experience more of that wonderful massage, the entire staff can all stare to their heart's content. Paulo will happily oblige.

***

"I need you to distract him." Paulo unceremoniously barges in the accounting department office, pulling Josh away from his colleagues on their way out for lunch.

"I don't do friendly favors during working hours Paulo. And what do you think of Vester? A preschooler that needs a nap time?!"

"My mother is nagging me to see the doctor for my follow up, it's half an hour from now but I don't want Vester to come with me."

"Then explain that to him. What do you need me for?!"

"Josh, please. The hospital has been a very traumatic place for him but he'll insist to go with me. Please, please, please.. pretty please with chocolate syrup and rainbow sprinkles on top. Please drag him out for lunch."

Josh has always been a sucker for soft Paulo and he never learned how to say no to him. "Okay, fine."

Paulo smiles. "I can always count on you."

"I'm only doing this because--"

"I know. Thank you for everything Josh."

***

Paulo walks out from the doctor's office in a trance-like state. His parents were already waiting for him when he arrived earlier and from that moment on, he knew it was not just a simple check up. He knows his body well more than any one. It's still somehow a shock to hear the medical truth but when something as beautiful and complicated such as life is discussed and dissected into clinical facts, one's existence sounds so inane, frail, inevitably short. He sends a text to Vester, explaining another audacious white lie, the third deception of probably more to come until he figures out what he needs to do. 

It was completely devastating to see his parents try to put up a strong act in front of him and he does not want to see more of his loved ones suffer. He calls Justin first because he knows the younger is much more level headed. Ken lost his family at an early age and Paulo does not want to break the news to him in such a morbid way. His thoughts are scattered all over. The past, the present and what the future holds. Life reminds him once again, everything that he thought belongs to him is just borrowed. And it's slowly slipping away.

"Is your husband coming home soon?" Paulo asks as he sits on his favorite corner of the L-shaped couch in the couple's living room.

"He has one client to meet later for a new project so you have, around four hours. Will that be enough Paulo?" Justin senses that this is something Paulo solely wants to tell him and for a friendship like theirs where Ken and him are counted as one, Paulo seeks him out on purpose. 

"I'm sharing this because I know you'll be sensible to see things from both perspectives. From a doctor's side and a friend's side."

"I'll try."

"Medical gibberish aside, I have a brain tumor. They found out on MRI when they had to do a complete check up after the car crash." It sounds so simple. His life narrated in a few sentences just like how everything feels transient. Simply passing.

"So that's the reason behind all those migraines that you chose to ignore." Justin replies calmly but he can already feel the weighty responsibility of knowing Paulo's secret. He sits on his husband's favorite love seat but Justin feels so alone. "What's the prognosis? What's your doctor's plan?"

"I can go on with my life until I become blind and die from complications. Or go for a major surgery, which you obviously know that it's a partial ticket to the after life. The doctor said the tumor has grown extensively, I could die in the middle of surgery. Or I can survive but chances are, I won't be the same as I used to be. I can also lose my memory. Temporary, permanent, only God fucking knows." Paulo is not afraid of dying but he can't hurt the people that loves him by simply giving up. But the options laid out for him aren't favorable.

Justin speaks after the heavy and stifling pause. "I'm assuming, you haven't told Vester yet."

"I can't let Vester sit in a hospital waiting room only to see my ugly corpse after if I don't make it. And I can't burden him with what kind of sickly patient I will become if I survive. It's already devastating for my parents. I don't want to hurt him that way." Paulo can't hold back the tears anymore because whatever he chooses, he will still hurt Vester and that's the last thing he wants to do. Paulo realizes how powerless he is against fate. "Justin.. I always knew life was unfair, but Vester made me believe that our love can survive. Is this a way of testing us again, or is this life's fucked up design to prove us wrong??"

"You always proved life can't bring you down Paulo. We believe in you."

"I'm sorry I had to burden you with this."

"You are family and we will always be here for you. Have you decided on what to do?" 

"Yes."

"When are you planning to tell the others? How about Vester?"

"I'm leaving that decision to you."

"What??!"

"I'm not giving up without a fight. That's my answer. But telling them is a different thing altogether. It's like detonating a nuclear bomb." He laughs bitterly. "Too much casualties."

"But when am I supposed to tell them?"

"You'll know when the time is right. Ken has you, he will never be alone but please, look after Vester for me."

***

  
Paulo arrives at the penthouse late in the evening and Vester is already waiting for him.

"What took you so long Mochi....?" Vester asks with a pout. His hands wrapping around Paulo's waist in a possessive embrace. "Josh insulted me non stop the whole afternoon." He plants a kiss on Paulo's forehead. "Where have you been? I missed you...."

Paulo kisses him tenderly. Heartfelt. Memorizing every smooth planes and luscious curves of his lips and Vester kisses him back intensely. "It's almost weekend Ves.... can we go somewhere?" Paulo traces Vester's face with his fingers, committing his features by heart and Paulo can stare at him for a life time. He doesn't want to think that fate is extremely selfish to grant them a life time but he'll cherish this moment as long as he can. Their love is one of the greatest blessings he ever had. Paulo is certain of that.

"Anywhere you want Paulo." Vester looks into Paulo's eyes and he knows Paulo's keeping something from him. But he'll respect that. He'll wait until Paulo is ready to tell him.

"Let's watch the sunrise."

***

  
They drive away from the bustling metropolis, to the peaceful mountain ridges and Paulo took countless Polaroids of their time together. Vester's new car. Paulo's mischievous smile. The blazing cascade of colors from the sky. The hopeful sunrise. Their entwined hands. Vester's back as he stares out into the horizon. Vester's deep eyes. Vester's smile. His beloved Vester.

  
Vester drives Paulo back to his parents' house and their separation have never felt so melancholic.

Paulo hates clichés but it's true that it is not a matter of how long two people have been together.

What matters is how much you love each other.

"See you after the weekend Paulo."

"Vester, please remember that I love you so much."

"I love you too and I can't imagine a world without you."

Paulo quietly leaves the country with his parents on the same day.

He doesn't look back. He doesn't have to. It's not a farewell. Because he knows he will come back. 

He always does.

Paulo has a home that he needs to come back to.


	13. Crossing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love does not heed to distance.

The sun is slowly setting and Vester looks up at the rustic gates in front of him with nothing but thoughts about his fiancé. He leans against his new car, a sleek black Porsche Spyder which was given to him by Paulo a few days after the accident. He still remembers asking Paulo jokingly if he's into sports cars and Paulo replies with _"You look hotter in a sports car, so yeah. Any complaints??"_ They ended up having sex in the back seat and Vester can't help but smile at the memory.

Vester's greatest love came to his life like a whirlwind and even before he can gather himself up from the overwhelming force, Paulo has left him again. But Vester believes that this is not the end of the line for them. He will always trust in Paulo's love for him because they always find their way back to each other. Always. 

Vester knows Paulo left, not for selfish reasons. Their relationship may have reached the point of complacency but this time, he does not want to simply wait for Paulo to come back. The only thing that scares Vester is how dreadful the situation is for Paulo to keep this a secret from him.

_"It must be one nasty piece of evil shit if you had to leave like this. Right, Mochi?"_

Vester laughs to himself. As degenerate as it sounds, despite knowing Paulo will never come out from those gates no matter how long he waits, Vester finds calmness staring at its cold, uncaring facade. The first few days, the security would smile at him apologetically, now the guy just probably thinks Vester already lost his mind for waiting outside everyday like an idiot.

Another car arrives and parks in front of the gates and Ken emerges from the car looking stoic as ever. He walks with hands on his pocket towards Vester. 

"Why am I not surprised that you're here again?" Ken asks, the resigned expression gradually showing in his face.

"It helps me think."

Ken sits on the pavement with a soft smile. "The first time Paulo invited me here, I was amazed by how grand this house is. I realized that I live a life that is so different from him, but he never made me feel that way. He helped me change my view towards life and I don't think I'll be where I am right now if not for him."

"Same."

"Majority of my designs are still inspired by this home."

"I was jealous of you back then because Paulo always looks so happy when you're around."

"You're jealous of everyone." Ken laughs. "That stupid loser, where the hell is he.." He sighs in frustration. "Justin won't tell me anything. Your boyfriend is straining my marriage."

"He's my fiancé Ken."

"Your stupid fiancé will get a beating from me once I find out where he is." 

"I miss him so much."

"Me too."

***

Paulo opens his eyes to blinding white lights, his whole body feels heavy and his mind is hazy, like he has been sleeping for a long time and his sense of awareness is completely lacking. Everything is confusing. The mumbled words, the high pitched beeps, the probing lights.

It all just makes him want to curl sideways in a ball, craving for comfort and warmth.

Warmth.

He tries to move his hand, an extremely taxing effort considering how weak he feels but he manages to turn his palm upward. And he doesn't know why, but he's expecting to feel warmth. He seeks for warmth. A familiarity that he is yearning for but there was none. 

"Paulo.."

A voice comes through his confusion until the blurry after images in his vision starts to clear up. He feels cold and abandoned. 

"Paulo.."

There are people surrounding him but the sudden realization that he doesn't know any one of them is terrifying.

"Paulo.."

He's utterly cold.   
And he's completely alone.

***

He writes the number 42 on top of his diary's 42nd page. He can write legibly now compared to Day14 and he's glad that he has moved on from those two weeks of ultimate frustration. The therapist advised him to use a calendar to mark the days but he doesn't really see the value of remembering the dates. Day1 started when the doctor discharged him from the intensive care unit and that is when he started his life in a blank slate, just like his journal.

His mother said his birthday is September but that doesn't resound to him. Days, months and years are insignificant if there is nothing to recall. Aside from his parents, he only talks to the medical staff and he wonders if he has any real friends that exist beyond the hospital walls. The therapist said he's improving drastically but he needs to be patient. The brain is an endless labyrinth, science can perform wonders but the human mind is a mystery. 

"John Paulo."

"Paulo."

A gentle hand touches his shoulder and he turns around. 

"How are you?" 

"Mama, sorry. I'm not used to hearing my name. I keep on thinking I don't have one."

Helen smiles and sits beside her son. "You used to call me Mama until you were 12."

"What happened?"

"You grew up."

He doesn't reply. Compared to his Day5 self, whenever his parents would mention something about the past, he'd get angry because it felt like reaching out to a distant galaxy. A universe that he is not aware and not capable of knowing. 

The therapist advised to take it easy. Introduce things slowly like the normal stages of life. He laughed at normal but he complied. On his Day8 of rage, his father told him sternly. " _You did not lose anything Paulo. You just have to work your way back."_ He cried and his father cried with him and he used that pain as a driving force to move on.

By Day11, he's willing to look at his baby pictures. By Day30, Vester and Victoria becomes a part of his life in a photo collage. Nothing feels real but there is always a part of him that perseveres to remember. 

"Mama, I can recall everything from Day1. That makes my memory 42 days old. Do you think it will be difficult to recall twenty six years?"

"Honey, I believe that you can do anything. I have faith in you."

>   
>  _"That's how much faith I have in you."_

There it is again. The aching familiarity. But he needs to be patient. 

"Where's Papa?"

"He needed to go home to settle our business. But he'll be back soon."

"When can we go home?"

"When you're ready."

"When is that?"

"It's all up to you Paulo." She hands him a new photobook with a smile. "Here, meet your friends in college."

***

He slowly strums the guitar strings with apprehension. The doctor told him normal motor and cognitive function takes time in patients like him but there's something about the guitar that pulls him in. The therapist encouraged him to practice muscle memory. He still laughs at the silly notion.

> _Wise men say_   
>  _Only fools rush in_   
>  _But I can't help_   
>  _falling in love with you._

He stops playing when he hears the muffled cry of his mother standing in the door way, his parents are looking at him with tears in their eyes.

***

Day62 is the most positive and hopeful entry in his journal because he finally leaves the hospital. He sets foot in their three-storey house in Sea Cliff and upon seeing the ocean view, he cries. And he doesn't know why.

He wakes up early to watch the sunrise. He makes pancakes. He has mastered the perfect strawberry milk shake.

And he stares at his parents' wedding rings with unexplained sadness.

The aching familiarity has been his new found friend.

***

December is rainy season in San Francisco and his mother reminds him to bring an umbrella if he plans to take a walk outside. He's probably a problem child in his pre-amnesia existence because he ignores the advise and excitedly runs out of their gate to tread along the road side cliff.

The dark clouds are looming over and there's not much people around. But he enjoys moments like this. The gentle drizzle never fails to make him smile and on certain days, the familiarity is not accompanied by the lingering ache but he will be patient and believe his mother's words that he himself will know when he's ready to come home.

To a home that he has seen in so many pictures, to friends that smile genuinely in every photo. To a life that belongs to him but he's still working his way back to.

The road is wet and he mindfully keeps his head down to avoid puddles and slippery surfaces. His parents trust him now to leave the house on his own as long as he brings his phone and medications. He just needs to get through the road side cliff without slipping, down to the park bench where he usually spend hours staring at the iconic red-orange bridge.

He halts mid tracks when somebody stops in front of him, the stranger's face is concealed by the umbrella he's carrying.

"Can I help you?" He asks the weird stranger in a slightly annoyed tone. People don't usually come up to him and chat because he exudes unfriendliness, always going out with a bucket hat big enough to hide his eyes and his horrible hairstyle, thanks to his surgery. People his age don't loiter around the neighborhood because they have lives to live. He's starting to get more annoyed and he doesn't know why. "Are you lost?"

"No, I'm not." The stranger replies with a soothing voice.

He finds the voice calming and despite the person's _slightly_ creepy attitude, he asks further. "Do you normally block people's way on a rainy day? Because if you do, your hobby sucks, sir."

The weird guy lifts the umbrella up to reveal his face. "I was looking for my best friend but I already found him. And it's a good thing I brought an umbrella." 

Endearing.   
That's the only word Paulo can think of when the stranger smiled.

He may only have until Day78 of his new memories but that smile has always been endearing since Day30. 

He did not lose anything, he just needs to work his way back.

Paulo always felt that he's recuperating to earn his way back to the life that he temporarily left behind and he deemed that 78 days are not enough for him to allow himself to come home.

But the smile is warm. Familiar. Home. 

"Hi. I'm Paulo. I don't remember much, but I've seen you in a lot of pictures. Nice to meet you Vester." He offers a handshake.

"It's a pleasure to meet you again, Paulo." Vester accepts the gesture and holds Paulo's hand.

Paulo was right. 

Vester's hand is pleasantly warm.


	14. Full Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love and Odds aren't always on opposite sides.

The gentle drizzle continues to become a silent witness between Paulo and Vester's profound reunion. They stare at each other as they hold hands. Their unspoken connection resembles a missing puzzle piece that slowly falls into place and Paulo may not comprehend the longing and relief in Vester's eyes but it is undeniable that he feels the same way. This person means the world to him from the way his heart beats erratically just by standing this close.

Paulo's sweater is faintly drenched when Vester speaks after what seems like a prolonged stand still. He extends his hand holding the umbrella, shielding Paulo from the rain. "Can you hold this for me?"

Paulo nods and takes the umbrella with a soft smile. "Sorry, I was supposed to bring my own umbre--"

Vester closes the distance and envelopes Paulo in a loving embrace and it doesn't take long for Paulo to realize that Vester is crying and he hugs him back with a heavy heart.

"Paulo.." Vester calls his name in between sobs. "Paulo.." He has a lot of things to say but maybe having Paulo back in his arms is enough for now. 

Paulo doesn't know why but his heart aches. He has moved on from the resentment against the loss of his memory but seeing Vester makes him think that his sickness might have robbed them of something special. But he could also be assuming things. Paulo doesn't know, that's the most upsetting part. "I guess, I owe you an apology?" He asks, unsure.

Vester pulls back from the embrace and wipes his tears. "No, you don't. I just really missed you."

The drizzle slowly turns to misty rain drops and the winds start to pick up. To share an umbrella with a person who makes his heart race is a very movie-like thing that Paulo did not expect to happen in his considerably uneventful life, but Vester's presence makes him realize that the unfathomable sadness, the familiar yearning is caused by loneliness and now that he's aware of it, he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know where to start. "Looks like sightseeing is a no go today with this rain.."

"We both know the rain has never stopped you from doing what you want Paulo." 

"You think so?" Paulo smiles. "Can I invite you for coffee? Uhmm, well I can't really go far, so.. do you want to go home with me and have coffee instead?"

"Yes. I'd like that." Vester replies with a smile.

That smile. Paulo doesn't think Day78 could get any better.

***

They go home to the log cabin style house at the end of the road and Paulo quietly observes while his parents gush over Vester like their second son. Not surprising considering the guy is his best friend but Paulo can't shake off the feeling that he's left out on something. He could be imagining things but that doesn't stop him from being annoyed. They are sitting in the living room in front of the fire place and Paulo just glares at the flame like an enemy.

"Why are you getting grumpy all by yourself?"

Paulo's internal conflict ceases when Vester gently pinches his ear. He doesn't see any reason to be annoyed but it frustrates him that Vester knows more about him than himself. "What makes you think I'm upset??" He replies with a hint of sarcasm. He's slowly reverting to his Day5 self and he's not proud of it. "Sorry. I.. I.." He's at loss for words and he just stares at Vester's handsome face like a silly person.

"Forgiven." Vester smiles.

"Where are you staying now Vester?" Paulo's father asks, already used to his son's constant mood swings.

"Four Seasons."

"Stay here with us. I'm sure Paulo would like the company."

"You stay in the town proper?!" Paulo dismisses his annoyance and asks with sudden interest. "That means you passed by Twin Peaks on your way here...."

"We can go there if you want, I think the skies are starting to clear. Is that okay Uncle Reuben?" Vester asks with assertiveness. 

"Yes. You can check out from your hotel and be back here before midnight."

  
***

Paulo looks out the window from the passenger seat as they pass the road along the Richmond District to the turn leading to Twin Peaks, the highest point with magnificent overviews of the city. Paulo likes the ocean view from his bed room, it's serene and calming but the bustling town also fascinates him.

"Have you been to Twin Peaks?" Vester asks, his eyes focused on the road ahead.

"Have I? You remember better than I do." Paulo turns to Vester with a glare. "Do you know it took me three weeks to convince my father to drive me around the city?!" He knows he should stop with his prickly attitude but he can't understand where all his frustrations are coming from. "Then you came and all you needed to do was simply ask." All he knows is that Vester is capable of making him feel happy, scared and sad. All at once.

"Your father trusts me that I will take care of you." 

Paulo sighs. "Sorry, I--"

_"I love you."_

Paulo turns his attention back on the road side, thankful that it's already dark outside and Vester can't see him blushing. He's only met Vester for a few hours and Paulo's already a dramatic, fumbling mess. What he's feeling is clearly not within the boundaries of friends and it frustrates him even more because Vester looks so calm compared to him.

"Forgiven." Vester can't help but smile despite knowing Paulo is extremely annoyed. Some things never change, Paulo will always be Paulo. And Vester loves him no matter what. "It feels surreal to see your hair in a buzz cut, it's like high school all over again."

"Certainly don't want to be reminded of puberty all over again." Paulo looks at the road ahead, confident that the flush in his face is gone.

"You were cute in high school."

"Were??" Paulo hates the past tense with burning ferocity.

"Yes, you've upgraded yourself to pretty." 

If Paulo was blushing earlier, now he's sure he's as red as a tomato. Paulo is already confused as it is and Vester dropping compliments with a straight face is not helping. "I don't want to go to Twin Peaks anymore." He doesn't want to go anywhere with Vester because Paulo doesn't trust himself to be alone with him.

"You are such a baby. What do you want Paulo?"

"Just check out from your hotel, then let's go home."

"Anything for you."

Paulo keeps his gaze fixed on the road, if only Vester would stop saying things like this, maybe Paulo's heart can keep up.

***

Vester's hotel room is in the 27th floor, with a decent view of the city and from how his clothes are still kept neatly in his luggage, it's obvious that he just arrived. Paulo stands in the corner, observing Vester keenly while he clears a few items from the bedside table. That is when Paulo notices the ring in his left hand.

"You're married." Paulo doesn't even address it as a question. More of a statement but in his heart, it's a clear accusation and he's getting angry for reasons that are now very obvious to him. His parents have protected him from the world after his surgery and definitely, they have justifiable reasons to do so. Paulo wants his sense of security back and run away from this man who is causing him to feel certain emotions that he thought he is not capable of.

Vester gazes at his ring and replies with a fond smile. "I'm engaged." He picks up his bag and pulls his luggage to the door towards Paulo who is standing near the entryway. "Let's go."

Vester is standing so close to him and if not for his pride, Paulo would have backed away. "Congratulations."

Vester continues to stare at Paulo. He really wants to kiss those pouted lips so bad but Vester knows Paulo needs to do things in his own terms. Vester finds it charming and equally hurting that Paulo is unknowingly jealous of himself. "Thank you. Are you sure you don't want to go to Twin Peaks? We still have time."

Paulo looks down, trying to hide the fact that he just wants to cry. He's still trying to gain his memories back and now he needs to move on from an unexpected heart break. "I just want to go home."

***

The drive back to their house was spent in complete silence. Once Vester parks his rented car in the drive way, Paulo bolts out from the passenger seat and goes inside without looking back. He just wants to hide in his room but before he can reach the stairs, Vester grabs him by the arm.

"Talk to me, Paulo."

Paulo struggles and Vester lets him go. He makes his way up the stairs but Vester is still following him, his parents are probably resting in their room and Paulo doesn't want to cause a fuss but he wants Vester to leave him alone. He turns around with a sneer. "What do you want? You want us to talk and catch up?! That's not possible! Can't you see??"

"I can see that you're still you."

Paulo calms down and faces Vester in submission. "Are you usually patient with insufferable people?"

"I have a soft spot for one brat."

Paulo walks closer and speaks softly. "You'll definitely hate me after this." 

"I don't think so."

Paulo grabs Vester's shirt and kisses him. Passionate. Longing. Selfish. And Vester kisses him back. Intense and possessive. They can taste the tears because they're both crying but they continue to kiss and make up for all the days they've been apart.

The door beside Paulo's room suddenly opens and his mother comes out. "Paulo, are you home?!"

They both turn to the voice and Paulo realizes what he's done. He shakes free from Vester's embrace and runs to his parents room. He quickly hides inside like a culprit caught in the act of doing something illegal.

"Mama, Papa I'm sorry!" Paulo squirms his way in his parents' bed through the sheets like a child. "I'm a despicable person. Please tell him, I'm really sorry." He continues to cry under the blankets.

"Paulo, what happened?" Reuben asks his son, confused while Helen somehow figures out what's going on with how Vester is crying and smiling at the same time.

"Close the door Mama!" Paulo peeks his head out from the blanket with a panicked look. Once he made sure that Vester's out of sight, he confesses. "I'm in love with my best friend but he's already getting married. Why is my life like this??!"

"Paulo, it's okay.." Helen sits beside her son to pacify him.

"It's not okay...."

"Remember when I told you that going home is all up to you?"

"Yeah."

Helen stands up to take a box from one of the shelves. "Here. You told me to give this to you when you're ready. I guess this is the perfect time."

Paulo opens it and the first thing he sees is a blue velvet ring box, he's afraid to open it and he takes the Polaroids underneath instead. He cries even harder when he sees the photos.

  
The beautiful places, the mountain peaks, the sunrise.  
Their smiles.   
Vester.

They were happy.

But Paulo can't remember a single thing.

And all he can do is cry.

***

Paulo comes out of his parents' room after what felt like hours of crying. He looks over the bannister, down to the ground floor to see Vester, sitting in the living room. He goes down the stairs and walks over to him. Paulo is absolutely sure of his feelings that he may not remember the past but he loves this man dearly. Paulo kneels in front of him, holding the velvet box in a tight grasp.

Vester pulls him to sit on his lap and Paulo complies. Vester wraps an arm around Paulo's middle while taking the box with his other hand. He opens it to take the ring inside. "You dragged me to the jeweler first thing on a Sunday morning." He carefully slips the ring in Paulo's left ring finger with a soft smile and holds his hand. 

"What if my memories don't come back?" Paulo asks wearily. Their matching rings makes him want to cry even more but a part of him is saying that everything's going to be alright.

Vester kisses Paulo's hand. "Then we'll make a life time's worth of new ones."

"What if that life time is too short?"

"I will love you no matter how long or short that life time is Paulo."

Paulo stands up, not letting go of Vester's hand. "Sleep beside me."

They slept peacefully in each other's arms.

They woke up early to watch the sunrise.

They made new memories.

***

Paulo takes the flight back with his parents, his future in-laws and Vester on Day100 and he decides to stop his journal entry on the same day. Everything feels like the first time, but it's not. And Paulo leaves no room to feel sad. He has a life time. They have a life time. Even if that life time ends tomorrow, it's more than enough.

***

"Why am I so nervous?!"

"I should ask you that question Mochi, they're your friends, why are you so nervous?" Vester brushes the strands of hair away from Paulo's face. "Come on, relax. Give me a kiss."

"I'm starting to be convinced you're treating me like a kid."

Vester pinches Paulo's cheek with a smirk. "Maybe. Now where's my kiss?"

"You're lucky that I love you." Paulo cups Vester's face and kisses him, just a light peck but Vester playfully uses his tongue to lick Paulo's lower lip and Paulo pushes him back with a pout. "Pervert! We're outside somebody's house!"

Vester laughs and it's music to Paulo's ears and he laughs with him. That's when Justin opens the door with a smile.

"Vester! Paulo!!" Justin hugs Vester and then Paulo tightly. "Welcome back."

"H-hi.. Justin." Paulo replies nervously and hugs his friend back. "Happy wedding anniversary and uhh, Happy Valentines!"

Justin pulls away with tears in his eyes. He wipes it and steps aside to let them in. "Come in, Josh is already complaining he's hungry."

Ken is standing in the hallway staring at Paulo with an unreadable expression. Paulo walks to him, slightly apprehensive. "You're Ken.." They stare at each other in silence until Ken walks away and slams the bed room door shut.

"Give him time. Sorry." Justin tells Paulo with a sad smile and quickly runs after his husband.

Vester holds Paulo's hand in assurance. "Don't worry. You didn't actually say goodbye to him, so he's a bit upset."

"Welcome back Mr. pain-in-the-ass."

Paulo turns to the new voice. "Josh.." Josh's approach is different because instead of careful words, he looks at him with exasperation. Paulo replies with a glare. "..do you always welcome people with an insult?!"

Josh laughs and turns to Vester. "What the hell?! Your boyfriend is still bipolar. Wait till Ken sees this!"

"Fiancé Josh! Fiancé!" Vester responds with a slightly irked tone.

"Whatever!" Josh replies and follows Justin to the bed room. "Hey Ken, stop sulking and come here! Nothing's changed, Paulo's still a dumbass!"

Ken comes out after a few minutes with puffy eyes, holding Justin's hand, Josh following behind. Ken stands in front of Paulo with caution, staring with furrowed brows.

Paulo breaks the silence. "You're my friend, right? Can you quit staring? It's damn annoying." 

"What?!" Ken replies astounded. "You're still the same old loser!" He hugs Paulo tightly. "I missed you, you jerk.."

Paulo hugs Ken back, consoling his crying friend with gentle pats on the head. "If most of my friends are assholes, I'm starting to get worried about my reputation."

His father is right. He did not lose anything.

***

It's a late summer evening and they are staying in Vester's parents' house for the night. Paulo's sprawled across the bed, whining non stop because Vester needs to leave early in the morning to settle business matters in Houston for a few days. "Mochi, can't I come with you? I'll wait patiently in the hotel until you come back. Please?"

"Paulo, you can't. We both know patience and you don't suit well together. And I'm not leaving you alone in a hotel room. What if there's an emergency?" Vester makes his way beside Paulo and kisses his forehead. "I'll miss you, but I love it when you're clingy."

"I can bring Aunt Debbie to go shopping with me while we wait for you. And Uncle Vernon is too workaholic, he needs a change in scenery."

"Don't drag my parents in your devious plans." Vester props himself up on both arms on top of Paulo. "They love you but they'll know you're scheming something." He snuggles to Paulo's neck and starts to nip on the sensitive skin, leaving pale red marks with a satisfied smile. "Marry me Paulo."

"I am not marrying you until my memories come back!"

"I still want to marry you even if you don't know my name."

"I would certainly like to call my husband's name when we have sex, so no to that idea, sir."

"One more word about sex and I'll make you regret it, Paulo Nase."

"You should compensate for the days I'll be lonely.." Paulo slowly unbuttons Vester's shirt smugly while pulling him closer. "..so I won't regret it." 

"Anything for you." Vester seals their lips with a kiss.

  
***

Paulo chuckles as he mentally marks Day3. Three more days to go before Vester returns. They're in the courtyard having breakfast and his mother looks at him with curiosity. "Ma, let's visit Pa at work then we can have lunch together."

"Are you sure Honey? Everyone there knows you and it can be overwhelming if you see a lot of people at once and you can't remember them."

Paulo smiles confidently. "I'll be fine. I'm pretty sure I've bullshitted my way out in a lot of tricky situations before."

"Language, young man. I'm happy that you're gaining your confidence and sassiness back but I'm not pleased that the cursing is also coming back." Helen reprimands her son but she can't help but smile. 

"Sorry, Beautiful." Paulo stands up to kiss his mother's cheek and he's not sure if it's the sudden movement or the late nights he spent talking to Vester on the phone until morning but he feels exceedingly dizzy, like he's thrown inside a vortex bubble. He can feel his body collapsing on the floor but he can't do anything. All he can hear is his mother's voice calling him and Paulo musters up what remaining strength he has to speak before everything turns black.

"Ma, please don't tell him.."

***

Vester impatiently waits for the pilot's announcement for landing and it's not that he doesn't trust Aunt Helen's re-assurance of _"Paulo's okay, he's waiting for you."_ but her words were too cryptic and hurried. He spent the twenty one hour flight back with anxiety. Paulo only sent him a text message and he hasn't heard his voice for two days. He's trying to be reasonable but it's common knowledge that his logic gets thrown out the window when Paulo is involved.

He exhales a sigh of relief when he reached the arrival gates, there's nothing in his head but the love of his life waiting for him with a sunny smile and that thought is reason enough to fight his way through end-of-the-world itself just to come back to Paulo.

He was too focused looking ahead, searching for his ride home because he specifically instructed Tony to wait for him in front as soon as the flight arrives and that is why the instance he sees a familiar figure run towards him, he had to pause and convince himself that he's not dreaming. Paulo is here and it might sound theatrical because it's only been a few days but he missed him so much and he's all relieved that he's okay.

Paulo doesn't stop running until he reaches Vester and wraps him in a tight embrace with tears streaming in his eyes because it truly felt like years. And it may have taken him some time, but finally, after all that they've been through, their love proved that it can prevail against the odds.

"Welcome home, Vester." 

"Paulo.." Vester hugs him tightly and yes, it is a tad theatrical for this reunion to happen in a hectic airport but Paulo is back. 

His Paulo is back. 

"I'm home, Paulo."


	15. Setting Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion is not an end, it's the accumulation of lessons learned along the way.

EPILOGUE

_"Hi, I'm Paulo. What's your name?"_

_"_ _Vester."_

_"_ _Vester.. It sounds a bit weird but I like it."_

_"It doesn't matter if you like it or not."_

_"I know. Because what matters is whether I like you or not."_

_"So do you like me or not?"_

_"Why are you asking, does my opinion matter?"_

_"Maybe. Because I think I like you Paulo."_

_"I like you too."_

  
"Papa! You're day dreaming again!"

Tiny hands shake Paulo out of his reverie. He turns to his daughter with a smile. "I'm sorry Vicky." He carries her gently, cradling her on his lap while fixing her messy hair. "Are you done playing with Grandma?"

"Grandma's cake went beep beep already, she told me to wait because the cake is hot." She tries to sit still, humming tunes from a nursery rhyme until her father is done with her pigtails.

"So what do you want to do while we wait for the cake?"

"Sing me a song please!"

"Anything for you princess."

  
Paulo takes his trusted guitar and starts playing. He used to imagine himself performing his own songs in front of a big crowd, with millions of people appreciating his craft and finding happiness in doing the things that he love. 

But life and love taught him valuable lessons. 

More than enough.

A catch phrase that has been a part of his struggles and achievements but he has set himself free from that word because his life and value is more than what is considered enough.

He is complete.

Paulo is not a famous musician but he is ecstatic to say that he lives for his two precious people - his best friend and their five year old girl. 

And their smiles are as bright as the sun.

Like Paulo's very own sun.

"Daddy!" 

Paulo stops playing when Vicky runs with bounce on her steps and Vester carries their daughter in his arms with a proud smile. Paulo knows that every tear, every heart ache, every step of the way that lead them to this life because of their love is a gift.

And he will live his life time with gratitude and sincerity, no matter how long or fleeting that life time is.

He's happy. They are happy.

And Paulo will continue to love and be loved until the end of the life time that is given to him.

"I'm home."

"Welcome home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being a part of Paulo and Vester's journey.


End file.
